The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.

Pax

Victoria

Am I succeeding or failing???

Dear readers,

I am in a cross in the roads right now.  Life has been crazy and I have been swept up in the busyness of keeping up with my house and soon the gardens,

I haven’t been writing much at all.  I just don’t feel like it.

Life is hard; Life is easy when I accept all that happens to me and just keep on keeping on.

An old friend reached out to me the other day and I was surprised to hear from wags and his questions to me and the answers I haven’t provided yet have caused me to think.

I don’t work, permanent disability, I don’t write, books didn”t sell.  What do I do with my time?  I visit my frail parents at extended care and visit with my friends I have made there.

I clean my house because I feel better with a tidy house.  But today is Sunday so I am taking a break from the house to write.  I don’t feel like I am a very good writer though.  It is so hard to express what I feel and I have a great idea sometimes and getting it out on paper is like tweaking, unpredictable.

So I will try if you have made it this far to get my thoughts out here.

I am in love with God although I don’t go to Mass anymore or receive the sacraments.  Just where I am and don’t feel bad.

I don’t work but keeping up with my frail parents is a part time job and I enjoy it although today I took the day off from visiting them.  I really needed a break and my sister is picking up the slack and telling me to go have fun.

I take supplements for energy, and relaxation sometimes bouncing between the two.

Relaxing is hard these days and to be completelty honest I enjoy keeping up the house so the relaxation is harder for me but today I am just resting.

Delusions are pretty much gone.  All that remains is the negative symptoms.  I take CBD oil go terpy and it helps immensely with all the stress.

Finances are bleak right now…. that is all I will say about that.

I received two jury summons in the same week.  Federal and local.  I had to get a note from my doctor to excuse me and in the comments I had to write that I am not one who should be making judgements, sound.  That was hard because I wonder sometimes how I m going to get through each day being led by God in a usual way not super connected right now but still praying and coming closer to God in a less extreme way.

WEll I did it, got some thoughts out here where I remain anonymous.  Hiding behind my pseudo name.  Now time to take more supplements and yes I am going to tidy my house.

Hope you all are doing ok.  I am just ok and that has to be enough.

Pax

Victoria

Happy 2020!!!

A new day tomorrow, new month, new year, new decade. My thoughts are good lately. Feeling positive about a new slate. Staying up late to bring in the new year…

Been very productive lately thanks to many things. God is so good and if you don’t believe in God I will believe for you, kind of like because He is so real. My faith is a gift 💝 May you realize this gift of Jesus Christ our creator. That Almighty the Divine.

Pax

Victoria

Addiction is real….

Dear readers,

Ok so I’m lost again in the world of addiction.

Coffee, cigarettes and other vices.

Some help but seriously the cigarettes have to go.

Cut back on coffee today and yesterday and still had energy amazingly. I drank tea much of the day.

And I tried something new today. I smoked some hemp flower. It was very relaxing! Going to get some more and try to replace the cigarettes with hemp flower. It has trace amounts of thc and doesn’t get you high just very relaxed for the hour.

I’m doing well other than figuring out my addictions. I’m also addicted to good things like music, lavender, healthy eating with weight watchers and decorating for Christmas 🎄.

No voices from heaven! Just sometimes gentle guidance from above. Prayer is a huge part of my day. Can’t ever possibly pray too much!

My days are spent managing the finances which I suck at and managing the house. Visiting my pa and getting exercise in.

It’s a pretty bleak life at times but sometimes it’s really good, other times I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Thanks for reading. Going to try to blog more but it’s the same old…

Having a mental disorder can suck the life out of you!!! Glad there’s medicine that helps.

Pax

Victoria

Living in the moment is vital…

Dear readers,

After my last recent demise into the darkest zone of my mind I am finding that I am not impervious to stress.  I thought all I had to do was avoid working and I would be ok.  But life can deal one thorns and 2019 was a difficult one.  I wonder what will 2020 bring?

More mental distress, peace of mind, financial problems or lack thereof.

But what I must do is focus on the present moment, nothing more.

That’s all I got today…

Peace to all of you~

Pax

Victoria

Deeply imbedded delusions never really go away…

The pain I feel to carry this cross ✝️ that I am the most special person to ever live is so real.

When I was deeply psychotic so many strange occurrences that are unexplainable to me and many.

I heard from God again and know what He wants from me. A simple life lived extraordinarily. A smile 😊 a good deed or many.

Never recognized for any of it.

Lately I am happy to report that I have been there for my 3 children and it is the most important thing ever.

Delusional thoughts pervade my mind but the proof isn’t there and I fail so much it is hard to believe really.

Pax

Victoria

I will always be disordered…

I call it a disorder rather than an illness but when I am sick too it makes it really hard!

I’m glad I’m not suicidal anymore albeit passively. I wonder for the future and other stressors that may cause a relapse but I must trust in God with all my heart ❤️

Pax

Victoria