The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.

Pax

Victoria

Living in the moment is vital…

Dear readers,

After my last recent demise into the darkest zone of my mind I am finding that I am not impervious to stress.  I thought all I had to do was avoid working and I would be ok.  But life can deal one thorns and 2019 was a difficult one.  I wonder what will 2020 bring?

More mental distress, peace of mind, financial problems or lack thereof.

But what I must do is focus on the present moment, nothing more.

That’s all I got today…

Peace to all of you~

Pax

Victoria

Deeply imbedded delusions never really go away…

The pain I feel to carry this cross ✝️ that I am the most special person to ever live is so real.

When I was deeply psychotic so many strange occurrences that are unexplainable to me and many.

I heard from God again and know what He wants from me. A simple life lived extraordinarily. A smile 😊 a good deed or many.

Never recognized for any of it.

Lately I am happy to report that I have been there for my 3 children and it is the most important thing ever.

Delusional thoughts pervade my mind but the proof isn’t there and I fail so much it is hard to believe really.

Pax

Victoria

I will always be disordered…

I call it a disorder rather than an illness but when I am sick too it makes it really hard!

I’m glad I’m not suicidal anymore albeit passively. I wonder for the future and other stressors that may cause a relapse but I must trust in God with all my heart ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Just be held…

Dear readers,

When life doesn’t go as planned I sometimes lay on my comfy bed and just sing this song by I believe Casting Crowns.  It also sings, “you’re world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place, just be held”.

Life has been very difficult lately but today was a reminder to me again that one minute it may seem dark and stormy but then the light and life comes back into play and I am ok again.

Today was physically and mentally exhausting.  But I am actually at the library on a retreat with Edith Stein a Catholic saint, through her writings.  I feel blessed to be alive and love that I know what I need although today I did not take care of myself very well.

I spent the day with my daughter and it didn’t go as planned but we always love being together and today there was tears and laughs, but more tears than laughs.

I am currently obsessed with Christmas.  I need it to come soon this year and celebrate things like tomorrow we are all celebrating my oldest son’s birthday at our fave pizza place.  With lemon bars, grandma and auntie, in laws and my core family, husband, daughter, sons and daughter in law.  It will be fun and light and filling at the same time.

Pax

Victoria

A timeless blog…

Not sure if this blog will repost so here goes

I blog on my phone now so can’t see everything like on a computer.

I’m doing much better these days and today was an awesome day! Got in my exercise, ate healthy with a couple of treats and saw my dad! Also listened to my child’s love life and connected with someone so special. She just glows while she listens to you. Her son has schizophrenia so she understands better than most! We set intentions for my mom, drank kombucha, sang the to the eagles and hugged the way one ought! Love to Annette!

Here’s to another good day tomorrow and for us all to feel the love of God ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Anxiety is real…

For anyone who has experienced a state of extreme anxiety there are no need to explain but for those who have not….

Its crippling and very difficult!

Last week was one big anxiety attack caused by situational stress. But this week is better already. The tide has turned and I’m hoping for a smooth season.

I’m actually starting to get ready for Christmas!

It makes me happy so I am doing it today!

Self care is huge and the way I get through life is doing what works for me! Hot baths and lavender are common as well as my pups, coffee and music and can’t forget prayer!

What are some ways you deal with your anxiety? And if you don’t suffer from anxiety what questions do you have?

Wishing you all an anxiety free week!

Pax

Victoria

The ups and downs of having a mental disorder…

Dear readers,

Well life lately has been interesting, suicidal one day and week, passive though but didn’t see myself being alive nor wanting to be.

But God got me through it through my mom having a stroke and needing me to be there for her.  My dad had a stroke three years ago and is still alive although paralyzed and cognitively impaired at times but other times is still with it.

He gives me much comfort all the time since I was a baby, through childhood and much of my adult life and even now in his diminished capacity.

It shook me out of my “funk” and today I want to live.

I have rededicated my life to Jesus and am looking forward to things coming u p.

On a separate note, heard from God last week, just a feeling, and it was due to a trigger friend who I don’t talk to anymore because when we do strange things happen.  We both hear from God and it is very confusing and strange.

All I can say is that when God wants something or somebody He gets it.  I feel like I am having a cynical outlook.  I love God and trust in all His love, grace and mercy but I don’t understand His will for me and many.

I am glad I am not God that is for sure.

Join me in praying this month for all the souls in purgatory, may they rest in peace amen!

Pax

Victoria