The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.

Pax

Victoria

Anxiety is real…

For anyone who has experienced a state of extreme anxiety there are no need to explain but for those who have not….

Its crippling and very difficult!

Last week was one big anxiety attack caused by situational stress. But this week is better already. The tide has turned and I’m hoping for a smooth season.

I’m actually starting to get ready for Christmas!

It makes me happy so I am doing it today!

Self care is huge and the way I get through life is doing what works for me! Hot baths and lavender are common as well as my pups, coffee and music and can’t forget prayer!

What are some ways you deal with your anxiety? And if you don’t suffer from anxiety what questions do you have?

Wishing you all an anxiety free week!

Pax

Victoria

The ups and downs of having a mental disorder…

Dear readers,

Well life lately has been interesting, suicidal one day and week, passive though but didn’t see myself being alive nor wanting to be.

But God got me through it through my mom having a stroke and needing me to be there for her.  My dad had a stroke three years ago and is still alive although paralyzed and cognitively impaired at times but other times is still with it.

He gives me much comfort all the time since I was a baby, through childhood and much of my adult life and even now in his diminished capacity.

It shook me out of my “funk” and today I want to live.

I have rededicated my life to Jesus and am looking forward to things coming u p.

On a separate note, heard from God last week, just a feeling, and it was due to a trigger friend who I don’t talk to anymore because when we do strange things happen.  We both hear from God and it is very confusing and strange.

All I can say is that when God wants something or somebody He gets it.  I feel like I am having a cynical outlook.  I love God and trust in all His love, grace and mercy but I don’t understand His will for me and many.

I am glad I am not God that is for sure.

Join me in praying this month for all the souls in purgatory, may they rest in peace amen!

Pax

Victoria

The answer is Jesus…

Dear readers,

Much has occurred lately and haven’t been doing very well lately. Only a few maybe 2 people are aware of my recent demise which has included suicidal thoughts, much distress and the invariable torment one suffers with schizophrenia.

But I have found much comfort in Jesus and am looking to Him for answers. I trust in God who made heaven and earth to assist me in this life.

Heard from God the other day and it is real important to say that when He wants something He will have His way.

I’m not crazy here well maybe a lot but I know one thing- He loves me and everyone ! I may not have all the answers but I will trust in Jesus with all that I am.

Thank you for reading. God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Things that stress me out…

 

and how I cope with a mental disorder.

  1. Money, although there always is some but yet wham, the unexpected or balloon payment is due like say for your taxes.  Mine are due in October.  Think of something else.  Don’t spend a dime.  Save if one can, even pennies add up to dollars.  I have definitely gotten better at saving this year.  I stopped shopping for everything on Amazon and am being more frugal about going to the store for every little item.  My husband was supposed to take over the bills because of my disorder but it hasn’t happened and never will probably.

I don’t work so I have more time to find coupons and deals when we do spend.  He makes a decent income so if I am careful I can really tuck some money away if I’m careful.

I know I am blessed.  I can’t imagine being single and having to rely on my disability income which I get $1,000 a month.

2. Sickness and getting older.  I am not as fit as I used to be but am getting back on track.  But I have been dealing for the past two weeks with a new medical problem surrounding digestive issues and am really trying to avoid going to the doctor right now because of lack of insurance (see #3) at least until October 1.

To combat this stress I try to eat healthy all the time with the occasional goodie.  I also am now exercising 4x a week on average.  I am gardening, walking and doing yoga throughout the week.  This helps my getting in better shape and also helps mental alertness and health.  Today was a rest day and all I wanted to do was to rest but I am in the middle of several projects around the house and rose garden so it was actually harder than I thought it would be to take a day off but my body needed the rest.  So back at it tomorrow!

Although this can stress me out a lot I am learning that the key to my happiness is acceptance.

Now i am much more motivated to do the healthy things that I am doing.  Which in the past it has really been problematic to just sit all day and do nothing, now I do rest in the mornings but do get busier later in the day.  So it is good that I am treating my body better because I have really been sick a lot and it has caused me to make sure I do all I can to be healthy.

I might go to the doctor this week.  We shall see how things go but this relates to #1 the money stress with doctor bills and testing they might want to do.

3.  My parents.  I accept they will not always be around but my dad is paralyzed on his left half of his body and my mom is a fighter but is still very frail yet tough as a bird!

How I combat this stress is by spending as much time with them as I can and appreciating every moment.

4.  Kids and husband.  Kids is easy to combat.  All the work I put in when they were growing up has paid off and although I might not agree with all their decisions I am very proud of the 3 of them.  Interestingly enough, my disorder did not kick in until I was 38 and I was only lost to the world for a year of being psychotic.  Husband is one of my kids ha ha so ditto for him.

I also stress over the unexpected busy day, making sure I take all my meds, doing all I can for my family and friends even when an interruption comes at an inconvenient time.  I used to turn off my phone, which I still do, but I do take calls when I can as needed to be a good friend!

Well that is the main stuff.  What are some things that stress you out and how do you cope?  Comment below or email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com.

Bless you all!  Of  course I pray a lot too and try to trust what God is doing.  But it isn’t always easy to do.

pax

Victoria

 

Thank you all…

So the truth is that I rarely get likes or comments on my blogs but I can see that it is viewed frequently with over 20,000 views since 2013, wow 6 years I have been blogging, just putting it out there with the only direction from above and my sharing of my journey with all my readers.

So just in case someone from let’s say India or the US wants to hear about something further from what I have written about feel free to write me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

If I don’t hear anything I will just keep doing what I have been doing since this blog’s inception.

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Checking in sorry not as promised…

Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more.  But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths

prayer

read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety.  I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium.  I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone.  Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it.  When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it.  I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!

Prayers,

pax

Victoria