Navigating murky waters…

Good evening all! or good morning or afternoon!

We are 93 million miles from the sun! Wow! Just in case one didn’t know.

I tried to do something diet wise without checking with my pdoc. It wasn’t wise. I tried to do a fruit and veggie cleanse but by today the second day I found myself not doing well with my psych meds on just those. So I stopped…

I do not consider this a failure except that I should have checked with him. But there was all this encouragement so I did and it was fun for one day. Lesson learned. I am learning to love me even when I mess up.

My theme for August is patience which is a virtue I am getting better at but have a long way to go. I realized tonight that I need to practice it with myself first…

I have a mental health disorder that needs to be babied at times. That is the truth. I say weird things sometimes and am totally uncomfortable in many social settings but do better one on one. I am learning things about myself just when I thought I was done learning.

I am starting to study again. Right now current studies are alchemy, empath energy and anything fitness. The home gym is coming along nicely and have used it for a week and a day! When I have a gym membership I have great intentions when I sign up but never end up using it. Now I have a free gym in my backyard my kids put together in an old shed and I love being out there especially when it is sunny.

Also been gardening quite a bit which is huge progress thanks to my supplements. Got my son to start taking it as he suffers from lack of motivation and can’t see I notice a difference. I felt it right away I think. Poor memory still at times…meds side effects stink.

Lastly, wanted to touch on a topic Fractured Faith recently blogged about. Recovery from anything really and in my case is recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. To recover means to return to normal. This is impossible to me, please share in the comments if you feel differently. I love to hear others stories! I will never be the same as I was before I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 at age 36. 50 now and doing the best minus today than ever.

Thank you for reading.

Be with God,

pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms solutions…

Dear readers,

Welcome to my blog (first published in 2013) which journals my road to almost complete recovery from schizophrenia since diagnosed in 2008. For my brief bio click here.

This month I want to talk about what is least understood by many, the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia, which can cause poor quality of life in many. Loss of motivation, previous things that gave pleasure don’t please, lack of focus and attention to detail and there’s more but these are the main ones that have affected me. For a great article on negative symptoms click here.

Since my bio was written though I have had another breakthrough with new supplements I have been taking for over 6 months and have seen amazing results! See my story below especially if you suffer from low motivation, energy and focus. For proof of how far I have come taking it check out my May series 2020!

Now to my new transformation story~

I have suffered from lack of motivation, energy and the ability to do more than just sit in my chair and do nothing ever since I stopped working in 2015 due to stress which has caused me to relapse before. 3 hospitalizations since 2006 isn’t too bad I think anyway.

Don’t have positive symptoms like delusions or voices anymore and I know that is because of my psych meds which I take along with supplements now and together they help me to be recovered as much as one can be from schizophrenia.

I was barely able to get the basics done. I have always found comfort in having a tidy and clean house; but my daughter used to clean the house for me up till recently. I just didn’t do it or if I did it was quick and without attention to detail. 

And the gardens, I would get them going for a while then let it go due to lack of energy and motivation.  Life sucked. 

I felt really bad about not getting anything done all day especially since I don’t work anymore due to my disability and how my husband would complain.  I would rotate from being on my phone in my meditation room, to the kitchen table where I sit now on my laptop and if I blogged I felt like I had had a productive day.  Gardens lay in disarray and I accepted the fact I thought that I would never do more than this the rest of my life…

Well, now the good part!  I started a new supplement regimen last year, adding Vitamin B-12 sublingual for energy ($4 at walmart), which my daughter now takes too and we both have noticed our energy levels increased since starting it. 

I also take Goterpy CBD oil full spectrum, which has helped with the delusions and stress.  It has also helped me to quit one of my vices… 

And then in Feb of this year 2020, I started taking and now selling Shaklee Mental Acuity Plus for memory and focus and motivation.  It started helping me right away be in charge of my life once again. 

If you are interested in taking this product consider buying it from me. I will help you out personally and I’m thinking about starting a facebook group for new users to journal about their transformation too, specifically persons with schizophrenia. Anyway email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will send you the link to my website and to the product that I am so wishing I had taken sooner.

To read more about how it has affected me during this pandemic continue below if you’re still with me.

Then the pandemic hit whoa!!! And I was forced to be at home all day and thanks to my regimen I found myself thriving at last despite the world’s current chaos.  My house is cleaner and tidier than ever, my gardens are expanding nicely and my focus, memory and attention to detail are sharper each day. I do take a good lay down nap every day and rest on Sundays.

I am content at last although the work never ends in the garden or home because it is like life- it never stops changing, shifting, growing, dying, giving beauty and food for the family!  I still sit in my chair but only in the mornings and evenings now.  I pay more attention to detail of inner work (spiritual) and external (house and gardens, bills etc.…).  I cook dinner mostly every night where before it was occasional and I do the dishes before bed every night.  Life is good so I have to share.

I believe the combination of these three supplements are what are contributing to my well-being.  I don’t blog as much anymore because I am too busy with all my projects to sit and write.  I do keep a journal though so I am still writing, just not for the world as much anymore.

A portion of all my profits will be donated to my favorite non-profit CureSZ.  And I will gladly support you along the way via email or phone! I want to really help others feel as great as I do.

Email me with any comments or questions you may have about any of these products at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

May 2020 Series~

Welcome to this series, which may be the first of many. I am doing extremely well during this pandemic; been working on my mental, physical and spiritual health to a great degree. I wanted to share with all of you how my life has changed during these most difficult times. I look forward to each day and although I am mainly very focused, I still have my moments of difficulty but am symptom free.

Prior to this pandemic, I would just sit for hours all day long and maybe get the dishes done. But now, sitting isn’t what I want to do anymore. Ironically, writing about all these topics of what has benefited me, has been beneficial.

Here are the topics so far for the May series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Any comments are welcome!

The topic for the June 2020 series is Caregivers! It’s my daughters birthday month and I think this theme is fitting because she has been my main caregiver since I was diagnosed in 2008. Although I don’t need her support anymore like I once did, her care for me was priceless. If anyone is a caregiver and would like a certain topic discussed, I would be happy to oblige as I am able. As usual I can be reached at my private email: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all of you

pax

Victoria

The one lost sheep I am trying to help…

Dear readers,

Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….

It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better.  I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful.  I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.

My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through.  Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.

Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die.  I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery.  The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.

Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class.  The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not.  So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never.  I won’t give up on her!  So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.

I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class!  I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.

Life is good right now!  I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong.  My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him.  I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways.  I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see.  Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding.  I don’t make much money but love teaching!

My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach.  I feel spoiled! 49 years young!

I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms.  I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol.  Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!

Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.

Pax

Victoria

Still looking up…

“We give and we give and we give but we don’t give up” Jason Mraz

I’m glad to be alive he sings and I agree.

After a very hard week last week, I am still sifting through my emotions and happenings and today I bought a small bouquet of flowers 💐 for me! It cheered me up.

I have also met my goal of getting more fit! Day one complete! Gardened, cooked and housework too! Coffee and vitamin b keep me going and my shaklee!

My life is so different now!

I am a giver though so it is hard right now to not visit my dad at his rest home. But setting up a FaceTime call with him thanks to the help of the chaplain 🙏

So back to my original thoughts on looking up. Where else can I look?

To the heavens!

I hope you are all well and doing ok during this pandemic. Welcome China! And all countries!

May the best of your days be the worst of your tomorrow’s- Jason again ha ha! It is a Jason night!

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

New goals…

I want a change of pace in my life.

Now that I am no longer a couch or chair potato, I am looking inward and outward at my life and finally figuring out what I want to do with the next 50 years!

I am 50 now and feeling so much like my life is finally becoming what I have always wanted. I’m not talking about material things but along with the inward work I am trying harder to take care of the things that I have and because of covid I am becoming more resourceful.

First off I want to get fit, but first start with gaining stamina. My kids put together a home gym in an old shed so tomorrow I am putting my plan into action by doing a few circuits with the guidance of my very own personal trainer (daughter). I am really excited.

I get weak and dizzy at times and can’t work for long hours so it seems like something I must do. I want to be like Jack La-lane and be in good health till the day I die.

I will only do this if I start pretending I am training for a triathlon or something like that. It is the only way I will get to a better place really. I throw myself into whatever I am doing…always have, always will.

I do know a few things about myself but much is still a mystery. I don’t know how I got to this place but no matter it is where I am and I am growing stronger each day mentally which is pretty darn exciting.

My husband and I had a major tiff the other day and I was considering divorce. But he knew just what to say to get back in my heart. It brought up much self doubt….

I am a child of God keeps coming up for me. We all are.

Working on my negative self talk. Today my daughter told me a story about a friend of hers who would mess up and instead of calling herself dumb or stupid (like I did which brought up her telling her the story) she would say “I love me”. I don’t know if I can do that yet because I hate when I mess up. But it did teach me to be kinder to myself. A work in progress we all are.

I have decided to study alchemy, being an empath, and succulents. I love that there are three new things in my life that I am learning about. The number three is important to me because of the Trinity. Even though I am not Catholic I still believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I cannot deny this but do not judge other religions the way I used to.

These are my ramblings for the evening!

Have a great night, morning or afternoon!

This site has been visited lately by Canada, China, USA and I think I remember the Philippines. Yay! I love that other people in other parts of the world visit my blog!

Peace to all of you! Stay safe, stay strong and get help if you are in any distress.

You can always email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Lastly, anybody else checked out the schizophrenia forum? I found it recently and have found it to be quite interesting and very interactive in a non threatening way. You can check it out here

pax

Victoria

Solutions for negative symptoms of schizophrenia…

Tonight I updated my sticky page of my blog talking about the negative symptoms of schizophrenia if anyone is interested click here.

Today was another great day. Yesterday was not. Feeling a little lost due to my recent departure from the Catholic church. But God is good! and today I restarted my spiritual practice to set an intention before or after an activity for a person or the country or the world. It is my prayerful way that I am now. and i find myself content…

Sold my first shaklee today, woo hoo. I just want other people to feel as good as I do. She didn’t suffer from schizophrenia though and the negative symptoms but had a stroke a couple of years ago and suffers from mental decline and memory loss. I truly hope it helps her…

Anyway it is late and as always contact me with any questions/comments at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Don’t run I tell myself…

The minute things get hard I run or want to anyway.

When I was little I ran away from my friends when they hurt my feelings, I ran away from home several times. I grew up in California and still do live there, I ran away to Arizona, New York and anywhere I could think to be away from internal problems that manifested externally.

I ran last night.

I felt cornered, like there was no way out other than the difficult decision to do something that would change my life and the lives of many…

But God intervened and my mind was set to ease after a long evening with my best friend, a good night’s sleep and a text from my husband, which made everything ok. two words changed my decision…and he knew…

Marriage is hard enough but add to it all that is going on in the world along with my own interior battles having a mental health disorder makes it even harder.

Who is sick of quarantining? Me

A lot of good has come out of it. But I miss the days when I could sit in my sister’s kitchen and drink a glass of wine. I miss so much as I am sure all of you do too.

Just saying

So major life change diverted. I credit it to God, who alone knows what I need. I finally got honest with my husband today about a few things. We are starting with a clean plate, almost. One more last thing. Save it for another day.

A lot has transpired over the last few weeks.

Got tested for covid because I was having symptoms. But they were negative after 5 days waiting for the test results.

The energy in the world is very active right now.

I am getting paranoia with going out, but with good reason right?

I am rambling.

I am tired.

I pray for all of you to be safe, strong as you can and in the peace of a loving and forgiving God…

pax

Victoria

We are brave…

Say what you want to say fellow bloggers! We are brave because we keep going day after day and mental health disorders suck! and then some of us blog about it, which is helpful for readers and bloggers, at least I am inspired when I blog and read others blogs, with the sweat and tears at times!

We are all at a different place with our disorders, and some of us are loved ones of someone with a disorder, or just interested in the functioning of the brain.

We are all brave, each day we wake up, take our meds or not, and keep going, despite what life throws at us. If you are reading this you are one of these brave ones. And if you know someone who is not online that has a mental disorder, tell them. You are brave.

Life has so many unanswered questions~ Jason Mraz

says along with that life is weird, he says it twice and it is true.

My mantra used to be “Never give up” and I still think it but I am at the point where I am so full of love and hope and joy, although not every day is great like today, that I have changed my mantra to “I am brave” and if you really want to be inspired listen to Sarah Bareilles belt out the words that help me keep going…

“I want to see you, I just want to see you, I want to see you be brave”

~Everybody’s been there, been stared down by the enemy

which for me is brain dysfunction. I have had my days where I felt like I was losing….

but then I reached out to someone who cared for me and helped me get the help I needed.

Now I have a team of support, God (He’s the best) who gave me the best daughter one could ask for, a husband who cares for me deeply despite his misconceptions with mental disorders, wonderful imperfect parents who gave me life, two awesome sons and a daughter in law and one best friend among many friends, well does four count? A therapist I get to see for free because my dad is on long term hospice, my psychiatrist I have had since being diagnosed (2008), and a brain that still works with defects at times. Wow! I am blessed and don’t deserve such a good life, but I’ll take it and count my blessings, while being brave because I need them all in my life, until they go away, and then I adapt and move on.

Life is much more simple these days. Been getting rid of a lot of things but there is always more…

I also need to be alone a lot every day, anyone else?

Hope you had a good restful Sunday!

Pax

Victoria

You really did it…

Life is about choices really:)

I choose life today over the opposite…

I try to not think about that much these days if at all although I do want to be with God one day…

But not now – no- I have so much to live for, my loved ones and I try to do good..

I perceive that much of what I try to do as failures but am going to turn it around and think rather they are mistakes that I have learned from.

And I am constantly learning, that was a joke but truth in every joke.

I hope you all are doing well.

I had a bug this week but was still productive. Got tested for covid but whatever it was went away after I armed myself with Shaklee my latest obsession.

I just can’t believe that I am so productive even when I was not feeling well this week. I credit it to what I have been talking about with brain health month here on mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia blog since 2013!

Mental acuity plus by Shaklee. You can check this out on my Shaklee brain health support website here and click on shop and order it. But it is backordered still sadly… hope I don’t run out, going to start taking one a day (currently taking two and see a difference from one) just in case.

I am working now again as a property manager for several properties. Only 6 hours a week max so fitting it in along with managing the house, family and me!

God is good!

pax

Victoria

Telepsych medicine observations…

Here is my story with telepsych~

When Covid-19 hit and I was forced into doing all my mental health appointments on video, I was like no big change because I am doing so well right now. But I was sadly disappointed in the appointments after a while because it just wasn’t the same as in person.  This was a gradual observation that the visits were brief and I wasn’t sharing all I wanted to with my psychiatrist which I have seen now for 12 years!
I really struggled with what I perceived to be a lack of solid mental health care especially when I found out that my office which is an hour away would not be opening up anytime soon, due to the small waiting room not conducive to covid-19 and many mental health practitioners on site.
So after my last appointment which lasted maybe 10 minutes and feeling dissatisfied, I racked my brain and prayed how I can make this work and I realized these few things~
First, I decided to share with my psychiatrist my dissatisfaction not in his service but in the lack of my ability to share with him my going-ons. 
I also realized that I wasn’t prepping for my appointments which I used to do on the hour drive to his office and then taking time driving home afterward to reflect on any changes or insight he had into my mental state. So I went back to making a list and checking it twice! 
I also took the morning to prep myself to share with him all on my list and took some time afterwards to reflect on his observations.
The result was amazing!  I felt much better about continuing in this fashion long-term and will continue to take my mental health more seriously because as we all know stress especially in these unprecedented times can cause a decline rapidly for me and others and now I know what I need to do to make this work.

I think of others who are not doing well or just starting to get treatment and feel so bad for them that they can’t do in person appointments when so much might be missed through telepsych medicine.  Body language and trust building come to mind as downfalls to telepsych.

Feel free to ask any questions and comments are always welcome!

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Hello from the other side…

I must have called a thousand times.

Hard week for sure! Anniversary of my dad’s stroke, 4 years as of July 2, 2020. And he still blesses me…

That is our song by Adele, Hello. I do not have him with me in the same way anymore but we still have a strong connection and always will…

No more words on that.

I have decided I am no longer Catholic. 20 years wasted but it was the course I thought I was supposed to be on.

I love Jesus…

nothing more other than I am a child of God as we all are. In my Father’s house there is a place for me…

With that I shall leave you.

Good night my readers and visitors.

May the peace of the Triune God be with you all!

And may you find peace in Jesus also…

pax

Victoria