My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

The waiting game…

It’s been a while since my last blog and sorry to report that I am not doing well…

I am with a new doctor who is not always available, but the nurses are helpful for the most part.

I am very tired and still on clozaril, although he is slowly taking  me off it.  It just doesn’t agree with me.  My tiredness, and joint pain especially in my hands make every day very hard.

The good news is that my daughter has moved home so that is a major blessing.  Quoting Theraux “every where she went it was spring”. She is a ball of joy and energy.  She has been helping me deep clean the house in nooks and crannies I didn’t realize existed!  Thank you sweet Jesus for my daughter!

I am pursuing the steps needed to receive permanent disability and praying it won’t have to go to trial again but that they can make a quick decision in my favor because there is no way I can work right now…

I am helping take care of dogs as a side job which I enjoy because dogs just make life better!

To all my readers, thank you for your positivity in my life!

I will try to blog more as it helps me to.

So glad I am no longer suicidal because that sucks!!!!

Pax

Victoria

Quick update

Dear readers,

I haven’t posted since December 2017, I don’t know where to start really to describe what I am feeling right now…

Over medicated, easily stressed out, gained some weight 😦 and overall not feeling well mentally even to the point of being suicidal with a plan which ended up with another hospital stay.

Monday I see my pdoc and I am going to discuss with him giving up on the Clozapine and going back on the risperdal.  At first I was doing great on it but my lack of motivation and weight gain is what is really going on.

I pray God’s will in all of this… and that has to be enough for now…

I also pray for all who read this, to be in God’s will.

Good night readers, praying my next post will be more upbeat.  I am a fighter and I will not give up!

Pax

Victoria

hard to describe but I will do my best to put it into words…

Hello to all my readers new and old!

2 days now on the medicine Nivigil and 6 weeks on Clozapine which is amazing.  My pdoc prescribed me Nivigil to help with the tiredness caused by Clozapine.  It works amazingly!  For two days now I have had motivation to do things I have put off for some of it off for many years.

Every corner of my humble home is under scrutiny right now.  Just sayin…

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but the days of darkness are I feel behind me with this new medication regime.  My good friend Bethany Yeiser of CureSZ shared her experience with me of the benefits of Clozapine   And I took it to my pdoc right away almost and am just so grateful she shared with me.

So I want to share now with everyone who reads this who has still struggled with positive and negative symptoms of Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.  You do not have to suffer needlessly.  Ask your psychiatrist about Clozapine.  I just wish I knew about it sooner but it is what it is and I am grateful now more than ever to have my life back.  It might help you too!

My whole outlook has changed.  I am enjoying life in a new way and am so grateful to even be alive.  This from someone who was suicidal just a few months ago, no plan mind you but the thoughts were there and now they are gone.  I am more social and am always trying to find ways to give back what was so freely given to me.  lol.  I am also wonderfully free of all delusions of grandeur!  How I love this because they were a great burden.

I would like to do another poll so please take a minute and chime in on Clozapine.

Thanks ahead if you answer the poll!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

If you would like to share your story or have any questions feel free to comment on this or email me at victoriaalonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

To the Universe, getting ready for my apt. tomorrow with Psychiatrist….

This is what I need to do for myself and if anyone else benefits then great…

Tomorrow I see my pdoc and hopefully he will be increasing my Clozapine.  I’m at a hundred right now but have been told that 400-450 is the therapeutic level.  I am still taking my Latuda but hopefully will be able to wean off of it and just be on the Clozapine.

So far the Clozapine has been great helping me to feel my feelings again which has been a bit uncomfortable but manageable.  I have had some of my most productive days on it than ever but still have some days where I am just well the best way to describe it is down.  I have had several lately in a row, with today finally coming out of it thankfully.

I am still having the side effect of tiredness and am sleeping 10-13 hours a day especially in the mornings I am like a zombie my husband has witnessed.  Am going to ask about a medicine to counteract this side effect.

What helps me most is my essential oils, lavender, peppermint, rose and jasmine.  And my music stays with me at every corner.  I’m good with a few close friends and most of all my dear daughter is there for me at every bend.  She is like my life line, and she calls me her angel but she is mine more than she knows.  Oh all my children bring me much joy!  Today someone asked me if I was a grandma.  Wow!  No, I answered not yet but I am hopeful….

My book will be out very soon, supposed to be arriving any day for my approval.  Will see if it can provide me some sort of income.  I have written many articles, a chapter in a book, a self published book and now a book that is being published and promoted with Covenant Books.  If this one does well I have another one ready to go too.  But it feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote it when in reality it was just a few months ago.

I am definitely not psychotic these days, very in touch with reality lately, my last delusion has faded greatly so that is a huge relief as it was a burden that I carry with only a few knowing these thoughts of grandeur.  Reality hurts.  I am human and I have a disorder.  What else can I say but that while my delusions were positive they carried with it a huge burden that I am just now as I type losing rapidly so happy to say.

But living in reality for the time being is great because although I make mistakes, some bigger than others, I know I am forgiven.  But it’s scary sometimes because I have very poor judgement at times….

God is good to me though and although I can’t see Him, I feel His presence with me at every waking moment and with each beat of my heart do I pray His will for me now and forever… amen.

Pax

Victoria

Out of sorts today….

I am not doing well today and none of my  vices or coping tools is helping.

I suppose everyone has days like this.  Supposed to go out tonight with hubbie but may not go.

I just feel blah.  Yesterday wasn’t great either but was better than today.

I have bills to do but they might have to wait while I pamper myself with my essential oils.  Today it is Rose oil with Jasmine!

Anyway, life is not always perfect I am learning.  And after having a series of really good days maybe this is what I can expect???’

Pax

Victoria

Dogs and Schizophrenia and other mental disorders

Dear all,

My dogs are my constant companions when I am at home and I think of both of them as therapy dogs.  Petting them, grooming them, playing with them, loving them, watching them be silly and observe unending energy when new people come over are all ways to feel better about yourself not only if you have a mental disorder as I do.  I take pics of them looking at me with nothing but absolute love in their eyes.  They never make me feel bad the way people can if you let them.

When Peter the Community Marketing Manager of Rover reached out to me and asked me to spread the benefits I was all over it.  I hadn’t thought before how much my dogs help me and after reading the article I have to pass it on.  So check out the link below and if you are a dog owner with a mental disorder share in the comments please for others.

Pax

Victoria

https://www.rover.com/blog/new-breed-service-dog-canine-companions-psychiatric-patients/