I have accepted my diagnosis and feel like I am on the other side of it now living symptom free. For different reasons not everyone with a mental disorder is able to accept their diagnosis and I have recently been educated on that fact. For me it was very freeing to have a diagnosis to explain what was happening to me while psychotic and then when the medication helped me to get stable again and live much more functioning, I was very happy to have medication that works so well.
It is alamring to me when I hear that some people go for a season without their medication. I cannot imagine going off of mine- for any reason at all. I do not want to be psychotic again and the medicine keeps it away so why would I want to chance that by playing around with my medication?
Life is so good right now!
But I refuse to judge others’ decisions because my reality is just that, mine not yours.
Comments are welcome!
I read someone’s blog today and it made me feel like I was less than. This is the dangers of comparing.
I have my own story with all its nuances and different interpretations. It is not good to compare with other’s my stories. Bottom line.
I try to share my experiences with the hopes of helping others, but when people read mine I hope they do not feel less than, the way I felt.
I am not my disorder and it is not me, but it is a part of who I am so it is important to tell my story and to read other’s stories as well.
Life is hard enough, not to compare is my goal right now. I will take it all in and appreciate the similiarities but as to the differences I must realize that there will always be just that and not wish for a different life.
I am pretty happy with who I have become and the result of this is honest introspection. Do I wish I didn’t have this disorder? I can’t wish for something that is unattainable so that is a place I must not go. I can only live my life to the fullest possible and I do believe that my recovery is an important piece to that puzzle.
Sometimes I really wish I could work in my community with fellow people with this disorder. I have recently worked in my career with 2 people who have psychotic disorders and I feel I am really able to help them mainly because of my personal experience, even though they do not know I have a psychotic disorder, too. I know I can’t help everyone but I feel like I could do more. I toyed with the idea to contact a local organization and volunteer to lead a group and disclose my disorder and recovery but I know I would have to tell my work and I really fear the stigma associated with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.
At my last job, after disclosing my mental health condition things definitely changed. My judgement was no longer trusted and I was treated “differently”. I tried not to believe that things had changed but they did. Things are going really well for me at my work. With the exception of one co-worker no one knows. Why should I jeopardize my good standing just to maybe help a few more people? I can’t do it now but perhaps later I will specialize in this disorder and “come out” after I have proven myself.
Is this selfish thinking? I think not. My family depends on my income so if I were to jeopardize that it would affect them directly and they are my number one priority in life.
So for now I will just continue to do what I am doing and try to be satisfied.
Today was my first day back at work after the holidays and for some reason I am a little stressed out. It is the end of the day and nothing bad happened at work, nobody got mad at me for anything and it was a pretty easy day, overall.
But tonight as I get ready for bed I feel like something bad either has happened and I don’t know about it or I feel like something bad will happen. I have felt this way before recently but not to this degree. Perhaps it was too much time eating and relaxing through the holidays that I am feeling stress now being back at work even though I work in a very positive work environment.
I do take Attivan every day that I work to help relieve anxiety and I did take one today. I am going to do some mindful breathing in a little bit before bed.
It is strange but I move from task to task looking forward to the next thing I get to do and not enjoying the thing I am presently doing. I don’t know if this makes any sense but it is what it is. When I was on vacation recently for example I wanted to enjoy the view from the eigth floor of the Cheesecake Factory. My prayer was that I would appreciate it. Well the wait was almost 2 hours long so I had 2 hours to enjoy the view, but I had to make a conscious choice to do so.
I think a lot of this is normal stuff but I don’t remember being this way before my psychotic break in 2008. I remember enjoying the moment more. Perhaps it is age, but I think it is related to my disorder and from the side effects of the medication.
For now I am going to be sure to take better care of what I eat, how much sleep I get, that I exercise almost every day, shower regularly, take time to enjoy myself in as many moments as I can remember to and basically be kind to myself. I can be pretty hard on myself from time to time and I really have to focus on being more gentle and avoiding negative self-talk as much as possible.
It helps to write. Thank you for reading. Comments are always welcome!
Well, I took in the New Year watching a movie I don’t recommend by myself. It was fine. I spent the day with friends and family but decided to go catch a movie by myself. I take this as progress. I never would have been comfortable to do so up till recently.
I love to watch movies. Today I went to see one with my daughter and do recommend it. It is “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. I won’t ruin it but will say it has helped me to understand life better. Now, I must be careful when I have an epiphany as I used to have them all the time when I was delusional. But my dear daughter felt the same way about the movie so I know that it was real.
I will describe the epiphany, though, if I can find the words…
Life has its ups and downs. Others sometimes suffer much and while I cannot always help them, I can be the best person I can be, no matter what they may be. I cannot change people but I can be the positive force in others’ lives to the degree that I am willing to be real. So I will continue to be real. I will continue to be me.