Today was my first day back at work after the holidays and for some reason I am a little stressed out. It is the end of the day and nothing bad happened at work, nobody got mad at me for anything and it was a pretty easy day, overall.
But tonight as I get ready for bed I feel like something bad either has happened and I don’t know about it or I feel like something bad will happen. I have felt this way before recently but not to this degree. Perhaps it was too much time eating and relaxing through the holidays that I am feeling stress now being back at work even though I work in a very positive work environment.
I do take Attivan every day that I work to help relieve anxiety and I did take one today. I am going to do some mindful breathing in a little bit before bed.
It is strange but I move from task to task looking forward to the next thing I get to do and not enjoying the thing I am presently doing. I don’t know if this makes any sense but it is what it is. When I was on vacation recently for example I wanted to enjoy the view from the eigth floor of the Cheesecake Factory. My prayer was that I would appreciate it. Well the wait was almost 2 hours long so I had 2 hours to enjoy the view, but I had to make a conscious choice to do so.
I think a lot of this is normal stuff but I don’t remember being this way before my psychotic break in 2008. I remember enjoying the moment more. Perhaps it is age, but I think it is related to my disorder and from the side effects of the medication.
For now I am going to be sure to take better care of what I eat, how much sleep I get, that I exercise almost every day, shower regularly, take time to enjoy myself in as many moments as I can remember to and basically be kind to myself. I can be pretty hard on myself from time to time and I really have to focus on being more gentle and avoiding negative self-talk as much as possible.
It helps to write. Thank you for reading. Comments are always welcome!