One of the most debilitating problems with this disorder is that in group settings I am often quiet and feel very awkward when I do add to the conversation. Today was a bit of a breakthrough. I am forcing myself to get out of my house more and participate in the world. It feels good to have friends and family that I care about and that they care for me and accept me for who I am, disorder and all. Many of them even forget I have a mental disorder because I am pretty good for the most part.
My weekend started out rough though because I ran out of my anti-anxiety meds and had an anxiety attack at an AA meeting. I excused myself and waited out in my car because I had promised a good friend a ride after the meeting. My best friend came out of the meeting and another acquaintance came too to check on me. I was pretty anxious but was appreciative that they came cared about me. We talked for a while and it was a really neat experience to have people genuinely interested in my well being.
After the meeting I went home and cleaned my house! I haven’t done that for a while because of different reasons but it felt really good to have a clean house that I cleaned not somebody else or just lived with dust and dirt until one of my kids or my mother-in-law would do it. I decided to spend the day by myself because I could and have been so busy with friends and family that I haven’t had much alone time. I was ok with myself but wanted to spend some time with people on Sunday because I was afraid I would be bored at home all day alone again, which is what I would do up until recently.
Sunday I invited my dad over for muffins and we hung out for a while with my kids coming in and out. I received a text from my friend Julia to meet up at a new coffee shop. I invited my dad and we both went and had a great time hanging out at this really cool coffee shop. I was out so I stopped by to see another friend who is having a hard time right now but she was asleep and I had some time before a little party I was invited to was going to start so I went shopping and then to the party. Mind you on weekends I normally would just spend time on my computer and watching shows on Netflix. It seems that now I get these invites and it is way more fun to hang out with people.
The party I went to had about 15 people and at first I was super anxious but then got really into the conversation. I asked questions and was genuinely interested in the responses and had a really nice time. I was nervous about the party but it was great. I am back at work tomorrow but hope to have more weekends like this where there is a good balance between alone time and time with friends and family.
Have a great week everyone!