Ever since my dad’s stroke I have been slowly deteriorating and it is painful to watch since I had made so much progress of recent with a healthy lifestyle. I am just so sad that I don’t have my dad the way I used to and my mom is needing help too and I feel so stretched thin. I go to visit my dad at extended care twice a day, once with my mom so we can walk around the grounds in between visits and once at night so I can try to connect with my dad alone. It sometimes works, sometimes not.
When I am not at the extended care I am sitting at my computer staring again. I am not psychotic, almost wish I was, more interesting, no I take that back, I don’t want to be psychotic again, that can be scary. I am just depressed. My pdoc wants me to see a therapist but no money for that. I have support but get tired of complaining so I just say I am ok, but I am not. Not doing the things I previously enjoyed. Just sit sit sit, click click click. Not bored just feeling useless.
The other thing is that I have to start looking for a job next week. My state disability ends next month so it is back to work I go and nothing glamorous mind you, no, we are talking minimum wage low stress job. I have a degree but will not mention that on my applications.
Here is to better days….
There will always be times of joy and times of sadness. For example, I have great joy that my daughter is here visiting me from Colorado but at the same time my dear father has had a stroke and may never recover the use of his left side again.
So what does one do with these emotions especially when one is mentally disordered like me? To feel is a good thing for starters. To feel sadness that my dad almost died last week and great joy that my daughter happened to schedule her trip at this time when I need her most.
I don’t always feel due to the many medications I take so it has been a week of tears and smiles and I finally decided I needed to blog about it. Today during Mass, I cried mostly while we were singing beautiful church hymns and during Mass. I was there with my mom and daughter and as I was sitting between them I felt surrounded by people who love me, diagnosis and all.
Later, as I was sitting at the hospital with my mom and dad I felt grateful that they are both still with me on this earth, even though they don’t fully get my mental disorder. They are alive and love me and that is all that matters really.
I know that one day, they will both die, and I accept that but I thank God for more time with my dad even if he is wheelchair bound, he still has his wits about him and I have a feeling we will have lots of time together having adventures still.
The good news is that despite the stress I have been under this past week, I am dong good mentally. I am still eating right, getting exercise when I can and sleeping at least 7 hours a day and those things always help with my mood. I know that I must take care of me to be able to help my mom and dad or I will end up back in the hospital like before.
So the message is that even though life happens, we don’t always have to deteriorate mentally if we do what we have learned.
Hope everyone has a great rest of July! Here’s to healthy and happy days even though sadness pervades me right now. I will get through it because I am a fighter. I have come this far and am not going to let something like this stop me from my recovery journey.