Explain the progression of the disorder, timeframes, feelings, observations, connections, relationships, feelings etc..
My old therapist was just someone that I connected with so well that it was hard to let her go but the distance was too much and my insurance didn’t cover her so this is not only right down the street but also is covered. He is also very experienced with treating individuals with Schizophrenia so he has a world of knowledge one doesn’t find in other therapists. His therapy will be brief where with my other it was more like someone I could just talk to. I actually have to come up with some goals which I am terrible at.
I mean what are goals really? Hopeful desires that may or may not come to pass? Yearnings to be different? Desire to change my thinking which is so set in place it seems impossible. But he has hope so perhaps I will be lofty with my goals.
How do these sound?
To not have to take so much anti-anxiety medicine, to no longer have days when I feel bad, to not suffer so much from the negative symptoms of this disorder. To avoid the highs and lows and not allow others to guide my good or bad days. To not be so sensitive…those are just a few.
Bring on the healing Geoff! Let’s do it!
Living with Schizophrenia is extremely difficult at times and in my case has been confusing and heartbreaking. I have lost my ability to work outside the home and am riddled with thoughts of my psychotic days and what it all means. I remember the precise moment I was given the gift of Schizophrenia and from that point my life changed drastically. I heard the voices of God and Mary and when nothing worked out according to what the voices directed I knew it was mental illness not a special connection with God which is very hard to accept. I take a lot of medication every morning and every night which helps me to function but I suffer so much and few people understand. I am currently awaiting permanent disability to come through which I have been waiting for a year and a half without an income which adds to the stress of my already bleak situation. STress is my worst enemy and I have actually relapsed into psychotic behavior again due to stress so I avoid it at all costs. But I take care of my elderly and frail parents which is rewarding but has its challenges as well. Exercise helps sometimes and some days I walk ten miles to just feel better and fight off the moods of depression. My full diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder bipolor type which basically means I suffer from Schizophrenia plus depression alternating between mania and depression. I also suffer from anxiety which is worse when I try to work. So that is my illness in a nutshell. I have hope some days more than others that I will be able to continue on and be there for my family at least… I have three amazing children, a husband I adore and who provides for me as best he can and my parents whom I love with all my heart all of them. Some days I have more hope than others so that is good when that happens. I also have a therapist who is wonderful, a few good friends and two awesome dogs who help me when my mood of despair hits hard which lately has been more often.
It has been 10 years this week since I received the gift of mental illness…..
Last night I spent the evening and this morning reflecting on this milestone of mostly sadness and confusion. And I still can’t make sense of it all but I do know the exact moment when I was given it. I have shared my story of this incredible event before so won’t share it again but it is in the archives if anyone is interested. But the hardest part of all of this confusion is that some of it makes sense and other parts are still very mysterious. I believe in God and when necessary He touches down in my life to guide me into His will and other times he lets me coast and falter. But I do know that He likes me blogging and encouraging others on their mental health journey. I have made many friends on this blog and have been told by many that I am doing a good service by keeping this blog, sharing my story and helping to advocate for the mentally ill. So I will continue to blog and share where I am at in the hopes of helping others.
Right now honestly I am not at my best. I have many stresses in my life and it has been hard to exercise again but I know I will get back on track because it does help so much with everything. Holidays can be hard for me because I tend to eat a lot and not exercise. But I will not give up! I am not suicidal just confused at how my life is ending up. I am only 47 years young and wonder how long this will go on with taking care of my parents.
The good news is that my youngest son with mental health problems is doing very well off his medicine. He might go in the army and had to go off his meds which weren’t really helping him and wow he is doing great. Not sleeping as much, exercising and working!!! So although I wish we would have tried this sooner, it is what it is like everything else. Maybe he doesn’t suffer from mental illness like I had thought? He did have depression as a kid but maybe it has passed and he will not need mental medicines.
So I will continue to blog my journey and love doing so. I have an announcement coming up about a book I am a part of that I will be posting soon so stay tuned. Until then take care and God bless and protect you all…
One of my readers asked yesterday how I got into a good fitness routine so I decided to blog my answer in case others were interested as well. The answer is complicated so use whatever you want for what works for you but the bottom line is to just do it!
For me it all started when I bought my fitbit zip for $50 at a weight watchers meeting and began to compete against others for daily and weekly steps. It got me into walking around 10,000 steps a day on a regular basis. From there I wanted more but it took a while to get up to 7-10 miles a day. I used to never win these friendly but competitive competitions but now I sometimes win and that is fun and encourages me to walk more.
Next thing that really helped was joining Sparkpeople almost a year ago. It is free if you want to put up with annoying ads but well worth the small investment and have better features to help with weight loss, exercise and nutrition. I started by taking challenges that led to getting even more active with strength training, yoga and pilates. From there I was hooked and regularly feeling the benefits of exercise.
Then almost 3 months ago I started to better organize my routines and fell in love with Leslie Sansone videos which are available on Youtube or you can buy a dvd on Amazon which I did both. I regularly walk her 3K which is light aerobic workout and now do her 5 mile workout 6 days a week at home. I do have a gym membership but mostly workout at home and have found some great videos on Youtube which help me to organize my workouts. I workout with Rebecca Louise, Jessica Smith and Leslie as I mentioned.
I not only have more energy throughout the day but I am in a better mood the days I workout and sleep like a baby at night. I am addicted to exercise but my body and mind thank me every day I am able to get in a good workout!
Having Schizoaffective Disorder doesn’t have to be dreary. With the help of exercise I don’t even feel like I have it some days! I just wish I could get paid for working out because the bills are piling up while I await my hearing for permanent disability…..
Hope everyone has a great day. If anyone else wants to chime in on the topic of how to get in a good exercise routine I am sure others will benefit too!
I have been touting the benefits of exercise so much but what to do when one can’t exercise due to weather, illness or busyness? Take today for instance, I am home sick with a virus and binge watching Call the Midwife on Netflix and reading and unable to get in my usual miles of walking or my other exercises. I feel absolutely helpless again…
I have been using exercise as a distraction from my emotions which still come just less often when I am exercising. This is a tremendous realization and I am meeting my emotions with grace where before I ran from them through drugs and alcohol. I don’t have to run anymore….
So I am watching Ted talks, reading uplifting stories about people who have struggled with mental illness and are doing well, blogging, eating a little, listening to Christina Perri and trying very hard to not feel sorry for myself. LIfe is good, I am just sick at the moment and will be able to get back to my exercise again which helps so very much!
I still have Schizoaffective Disorder and even though the positive symptoms have subsided, the negative symptoms still affect me greatly especially at times like this when I don’t have the endorphins at my service when I exercise. I have almost 3 months off of pot and alcohol which is great to be living life sober once again.
So much has happened in these three months. I have had a lot of time to reflect on my feelings of inadequacy from having a very critical mother, being adopted, and growing up feeling unloved. I am seeing a therapist again and it is very helpful to dig in to areas of my life which are untouched.
We all have them, times in our life when we felt disconnected and that occurred for me when I was abusing pot and alcohol. Now that I am sober and in recovery I am meeting my emotions and accepting them for what they are and guess what? It isn’t that bad. Oh the feelings are very deep and there have been many tears, smiles and everything in between. But it is all worth it on this journey of recovery which will never end.