I won’t give up [Jason Mraz]
This is my fight song [?]
Shake the disease [Depeche Mode]
Music helps me to cope and these three songs I listen to often because honestly having this disorder makes me want to give up at times.
Some days I am really good mentally but some days are still really hard mentally… I can’t figure out what makes a good or bad day. I exercise regularly and eat healthy most days, sleep enough, pray and use my coping skills. But sometimes it just isn’t enough. My mind is very unstable at times and I don’t know what to do next.
I am tired of starting new things to entertain myself and then quitting them when it gets too hard or I lose interest. But yet I still love starting new things. It gives me purpose and reason to keep going. And keep going I go. I wonder if my fractured mind will ever settle down and just be ok???
Lately I have been having some tough days and I just want to cry. I did cry today. No one will ever understand what it is like to be me so I will stop trying to explain it yet here I am blogging and trying to explain it. Ah, the mind is a terrible thing to lose. My dad suffers from dementia and when he remembers me and something simple like my dog’s names I just get so happy.
But what it is like to be me…so difficult to explain. And soon I will go before the hearing and try to explain why I can’t work. I am not nervous. I will just be honest. Work stresses me out, following instructions is difficult and even though I am at a loss some days what to do next, I know I am better off not working I often enjoy my days when things are going well and when they aren’t I just veg out and surf the web or read a good book.
Today I went cruising with my husband in his 21 window vw bus. It was fun. We had an early dinner at a cheap Mexican place. I was present for him enjoying just being in his company with his favorite hobby, Volkswagens. I love him and he has stood by me through all of this for ten years now. He notices when I am out of sorts and lets me do my thing so that is good that he is supportive like that.
My faith has been a comfort to me lately… I remember what it was like to not believe in God, such a sad existence. But I believe in God now and pray to Him often for help to get through each day, to be the best daughter, wife, mother and friend that I can be. He gives me strength often and for that I am grateful.