Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

It’s Monday may my alchemical journey begin…

Dear readers,

Even though I am tired this Monday morning I feel God guiding me on a transformative journey but let me back up to this weekend…

I finally finished my fifth step in na this weekend (to share my wrongs with another) as I found myself in the confessional with my humble but wise confessor. I hid my 4th step in my bosom and chose to go the route of private confession behind a veil so I would not be recognized.

As I read my difficult 4th step which I have admitted to no one before I didn’t feel anything. I asked for comments after reading it and received a loving non judgmental answer and practical ways to overcome my sin.

After the absolution was prayed this dear priest who I consider to be Jesus in each sacrament said to me, “pray for help to find out who you really are”. Of which I was slightly offended at.

But God does not let us down when we are actively seeking His will and throughout Sunday till this moment I have discovered I don’t really know myself as the priest suggested.

Sunday came and I don’t know why but I felt unsettled despite my morning and afternoon practice of spiritual reading and prayer with meditation.

I felt led to buy some books from a dear friend who used to have a book store particularly seeking books on Buddhism which I feel drawn to study eastern philosophy. As we sorted through her books in her dusty shed from a cardboard box of books I picked out some books on Buddhism and also picked out a book called “vein of gold” which is a creative book full of exercises on how to discover who you are. The first exercise was writing by long hand 3 pages every day on anything going on in your mind. Well I started right away and it revealed much!

I picked it up this morning after my morning practice and was blown away by the first few lines. I had to look up the word alchemy as it was used in a way describing the book and this journey I am about to embark on in an unknown context. It means transformation which I didn’t even know I needed!

I thank God for this wonderful journey I am on called life as more is revealed through the universe, nature, people and books. I pray for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to continue to guide me in all I do particularly with my work and the promotion of my book.

I shall share more as much as I feel led anyway but it is very personal so we shall see.

I plan to do my first podcast this week so that is exciting as when I blog or talk I find I am also learning who I am. Yesterday I read my past 5 of 6 blogs and how far I have come since February 18 of this year! I was suicidal and at the deepest dark moment of my life but I have heard that without great pain one cannot know great joy!!! So I am terribly joyful these days and don’t have words to describe my gratitude to my Creator who made heaven and earth!

Pax

Victoria

Toxic friendships oh my!

Dear readers,

Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity.  It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.

Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….

But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now.  I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.

I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks.  I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed.  I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…

Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend.  God bless you!

I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”.  Amen

Pax

Victoria