I hope all is well with each one of you!
It has been a rough week and I feel compelled to share on here.
We thought my mom might die Monday night but after asking for prayer she came out of it and said she was hungry (she hadn’t eaten for a week). The next day she was back to her old critical self and got mad at me for cancelling my class (would have been a basket case anyway) and emphasized the importance of me not missing teaching my class. She also paid me a huge compliment that I had my dream job and how happy she was that I was using my degree in my career. The compliments are few from my mom so this was wonderful but the daggers she inserted the next day were huge and I would like to share.
She criticized me for driving 5 hours to meet another Schizophrenia survivor and actually expressed to me that it was my Schizophrenia! This sort of stigmatizing affected me greatly and when she is better I plan to speak to her about it but for now I know she is just ignorant about how to deal with a person with Schizophrenia and in that ignorance she is forgiven. But I did check in with my daughter if she agreed with my mom and she absolutely did not. I had planned the trip for two months so it wasn’t impulsive and even though our time was short for a very long drive it was a potent and powerful meeting which I will always be grateful for!
To loved ones, blaming decisions you don’t agree with on the disorder only causes much pain and suffering so find another way to deal with your loved ones affected by a disorder like Schizophrenia rather than accusing them of the disorder being the problem. I am doing so well right now and am proud that my disorder is in some kind of remission.
I was grading some papers and it came to my attention that some students might have cheated on the ten point quiz. I have already dealt with plagiarism and this realization made me sad, angry and powerless over my class. Many thoughts of inferiority came up, did I make the quiz too hard, why are they feeling the need to cheat on a ten point quiz and the like. I made a decision after discussing the matter with many and sent out an email to the class that there might have been cheating occurring on the quiz and that if I caught anybody cheating on any future tests they would get a zero and be made to sit in the front of the class for all future quizzes and exams. So sad that at a college level I had to do this but since I cannot prove this I felt that dealing with the class in a broad way might alleviate future cheating. But the whole process caused me much angst and right now I am fighting depression and this surely added to it in a negative way.
I do not know if I will teach again in the spring as some of the stress this job is causing is just that, stressful and I must take care of my mental health above all else. Now that I am receiving permanent disability I have that leisure to not work so I pray God to guide me in all that I do.
After a rough day of staying in my pajamas all day, eating much sugar and not doing very much I had the most interesting dream.
I was a child again but with the same problems I suffer today, Schizophrenia, dad’s major strokes, mom sick and critical and the like. I was sort of adopted by this very large family. I was appreciated, encouraged and made to feel like a part of the family. Reminded me of how heaven may be one day…
I know I suffer from much emotional baggage from my childhood and this dream worked out some of the needs I had that weren’t met as a child.
I know that I must not give up, God knows we’re worth it and I won’t give up! My new therapist is very helpful in working through these childhood issues and I can see the other side but it is painful and hard work!
Bless you all,