Feeling unlovable due to my Schizophrenia…

Dear readers on this journey with me,

I share my pain, joy and support on here to help me to lighten the load and it works sometimes.  My mantra since receiving the diagnosis Schizoaffective Disorder is, “Never give up”, I’ll repeat it “Never give up”.

This week I really felt like giving up.  A close family member was diagnosed with cancer and already started chemotherapy this week.  I am deeply affected by this devastating news.  But I won’t give up.

I fear one day I will need more help and I hate to need it.  I hate it.  I sit by and watch my parents decline in their health and need so much care.  They are both bedridden, my dad for 4 years and my mom for a month now.  She is suing the hospital so we shall see how that goes.

But I don’t want to wallow in my sadness for her or my family member with cancer.  Because life goes on…

So I shall try to be brave for myself most importantly and for all my loved ones including the people I encounter throughout my days.  I have thought about volunteering but I have enough on my plate to  with my parents.

Some days are just so hard.  Hard to get something out of my purse or like today, the plumber came and unclogged our sink so I have a lot of cleaning to do, but for now I am just going to write a while.

So back to my topic, feeling unlovable…

I know in my heart people love me and I love them but sometimes the stress is so much when my routine is broken that I often feel like why would anyone love me?  I can’t work, can’t get to the gardens, can’t do a full day of activity but I must not focus on the can’t’s.  Rather I choose to focus on what matters most, relationships.

Because I can’t work, I am often at home and I am here for my husband and adult children some of which still live at home.  I am here for them when they want to share their day.  I am here for them when they want to hang out and I am here for them because I love them with all my heart.

I choose to love even though my self esteem is so low at times that I don’t feel like I deserve their love and affection.

God is number one in life, then my family a close second.  I choose God..  I choose life… I choose love.

All the rest doesn’t really matter in the end.

With much regard,

pax

Victoria

 

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