I’m a work in progress…

Sorry, another Jason song running through my head…

But it’s true! We are all a work in progress, none of us are better or worse than another, except in the end we shall see what God says.

Been thinking a lot about heaven and hell lately….

I know I want to be with God and my grandma and the many loved ones who have gone before me. I believe in the Mercy loving of God though so hope that He remembers me when He comes into His kingdom!!!

Been talking to God a lot lately. But no worries He doesn’t talk back thank goodness. But there is one thing I feel He wants me to do but I can’t do it as it would put my relationship with someone I really care about in jeopardy and I don’t know how I would handle another loss of a friend.

I lost friends when I became Catholic and continue to as hard as that may sound in this day and age. So much judgement from well meaning people for the most part. But I don’t judge them for that, no not me. I know they are just doing what their religion tells them to do. What is even scarier is that some of them even quote the bible in their needed break up of the friendship. Well I can quote scripture too and seriously it stands on my side.

Enough on that!

Now down to the nitty gritty how the heck are we all doing?

New trick~ the body scan

coming soon!

I’m ok, lots of minor ailments and I cut my own hair last night and woops, had to go get it fixed today. Haven’t been to a salon since November! Weird the timing of things in this regard but that is a story for a never day. Too boring!

There are signs around us everywhere if we have eyes to see. Today my dear friend who lost her husband recently had to make a decision and I told her to pray an Our Father to help her know God’s will in this situation. And within minutes it was resolved.

I prayed it with her and do that throughout the day. So right now am going to go lay down and then play with my dogs. Will do body scan and get back to you on the details tomorrow.

pax

Victoria

Am I losing heart?…

Not yet and hoping this continues, productive days coupled with relaxation and finally giving my pups more attention.

It’s so strange but simple things that others find easy used to be extremely difficult for me up till this pandemic. Now that I don’t go anywhere I am actually focusing where God has me, on my family, pups, home and gardens. It feels so good.

I also take time for reflection and this blog allows me to look upon my progress with all I do each day and feel good and accomplished. I’m speaking of external, interior and eternal things…

Prayer is at the center though of all I do. Today I dedicated a little dance in the kitchen for a friend who had a hard day.

I think of God often. He always thinks of me. I try to wake up each day in prayer but some days I am more attentive than others. He knows my heart and the medicine makes it hard for me to wake up in the mornings but today I tried something new that got me busy in the am. I shall share~

I wanted to be with my friend who lost her husband this Friday and actually go somewhere serene and beautiful, we chose Morro Bay in California. But I knew the only way I could go would be to work extra hard today and so I did. I usually don’t get productive until 5pm but today I started at ten! Lots of breaks to attend to my needs but worked all day and that is a first in a long while.

I am also attending to detail much better and I believe that is because of the Mental Clarity from Shaklee that I am taking. I am more focused, have a better memory and need my vices less.

I still need help though; yesterday with my therapist’s help, I was able to make a decision about where to plant some pretty flowers I bought several weeks ago. This decision was very hard as I wasn’t sure I was ready to take care of another section of my land. I do well for a while then I fall back into a rut and lose heart and motivation.

I chose the planter out on my back porch and left room in the middle to plant a geranium that I propogated (to make a plant from an established plant) that my dad told me how to do. It isn’t ready for transplant just yet but in a few weeks it will move over there and I have another way to remember my dad.

He is still alive believe it or not and the grief therapy that I receive every week for free because he is on hospice has provided much comfort and ideas how to navigate these hard times. I have acceptance for God’s will and every time I get to talk to him I am grateful for more moments with him.

I am very blessed in many ways. I choose to no longer suffer but rather embrace my disorder as a small part of me and even though I may have another mental break again, I am happy I have not had a hospitalization since 2018. But I am also not trying to work for money so hopefully never again I will be in that state. God’s will.

Enough rambling for tonight.

Godspeed

pax

Victoria

A hard day but still looking up…

Off today after a busy week. Trying to be gentle with myself and I know how to do that, eat right, drink enough water, take lots of down time and never give up.

It has been a while since I felt so discombabulated and I will mark it in my planner, but despite feeling this way still did what feels good, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen floor and went out in my garden to say hi to my plants, just kidding, I don’t really talk to them yet!

Taking care of me is number one, I am no good at all to anyone if I don’t listen to my body and brain and just take it easy. I find it hard to just relax and veg out and do nothing though hence this blog.

Sorry about my ramblings but it is good for me to share that I am not always ok too. I still have a brain disorder which sometimes takes a break and seriously I hate my televideo calls. In person with my psychiatrist is so much better really. But it is what it is, so must try to connect with him more. Our last appointment was maybe 7 minutes…

Does anyone else feel this way?

Just wondering…

So instead of focusing on all that I am not doing today I am going to relish in a week well done, birthday for daughter done, really spoiled her this year for many reasons and it was fun but now that it is over I find mysefl without purpose once again. I stayed up last night talking to God about my need for a new passion. Gardening will always be there and i enjoy it very much but I feel like I need a new obsession.

One thing I am going to do is clean up this blog…no major changes but unhappy with parts of it.

Anyway, just decided to go visit a friend tonight if it works out. Should be fun.

Hope you all are doing great!

Pax

Victoria

Call it gumption he sings…

Jason Mraz has done it again for me with where I am at and where I want to be. He sings in his older song, Song for a Friend, about all the strengths we have inside, and the gumption we possess inside and also that only we know if we are trying. I listen to it every day. It motivates me. No one else can say if I am trying. Nobody but me and God truly know.

Prior to this pandemic I sat all day as I have shared. I barely got the dishes done every day and some days I took advantage of my adult daughter and would ask her to do them. That’s how bad it was. i didn’t cook dinner every night like I do now. I didn’t take care of myself to the best I am now, or the house or gardens.

It is amazing but this pandemic has forced me to get busy. I do not feel good about my days unless I am busy. But busy means lots of things these days I am finding. yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend who lost her husband recently and just sat with her in her grief. 6 hours of conversing, laughing, crying, singing and some energy work. I was exhausted!

The day before I spent the afternoon/evening at my son’s new home with his wife and our immediate family to celebrate my daughter’s upcoming birthday. So I was busy being with family. It was a Sunday anyway which means a rest day for me but it was so much fun and we were there 8 hours!

So busy also means getting the house in order most days, gardens some days and working on myself too. Been doing a lot of grief work with Dave Markowitz. Oh yes Jason I’ve got gumption.

His song I won’t give up spoke to me when I was passively suicidal and was just trying to look up to God in desperation. This song has been my main support song. I won’t give up ever I think now so don’t listen to it every day anymore but it’s there on days that may be less than perfect and it’s a good reminder of where I have been.

Jason Mraz isn’t the only music writer who writes about things that help but his meditative music is so relaxing and just has a great vibe to it that resonates with my soul. When I am having a hard day it is Jason music I go to.

Thank you Jason for listening to the Source of Life and bringing such wonderful music to the world in a time so desperately needed!

Today my daughter is picking up my medicine an hour away for me. Thank you to all caregivers who do things like this. So much appreciation today…

pax

Victoria

June 2020 Caregiver Month! Part 2

How many times have I been doing poorly and my angel in the form of my daughter came to my aid? Countless really! She has upheld my recovery in so many ways, too many to share.The nights she would make time for me from her busy social and work life to take care of mom once again…

These are the ways she has helped me so much-

Listening without judgement 

Gently reminded me of reality when needed

Never challenged my delusions 

Accepted my decision to struggle to work again despite a poor track record and being excited for me when I got my dream job but was then there for me when stress took me out again. 

And then the most painful acceptance of her help in 2018 when I became suicidal and she was in living in Colorado and had just earned her degree. I was curled up in the fetal position on the hotel bed with my medicine close that I planned to take to end the pain and my life but I reached out to her and she told me she was coming home that night. Crying I was like nooooo. I did not want to interrupt her life again. 
But she came. She also called my youngest son to give me a ride to the hospital. God bless them both!!!

She moved home soon after and as I grew stronger she allowed me to flourish and now I am there for her as she is going through her own tough time…

Pax

Victoria 

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

One more thought on race…

In regards to my last post I just want to clarify with my statement being color blind.

Using the phrase color blind may not accurately describe how I FEEL.  I do see color because I do acknowledge people are of different colors and I embrace them for their differences and similarities.   So while I may not see color, I see culture and I love it!  I accept all people and hope they accept me. I treat all people the same no matter what!

This is the time to educate ourselves which is what me and my family are trying to do and I invite you all to do the same. 

God bless!

Pax

Victoria

Unashamedly color blind…

In a world full of people of different colors, I am color blind. I was taught this from birth. I am so grateful to my parents for giving me compassion for all, no matter what color, ethnicity, sexual preference and the like.

I am white though and have lived without discrimination in my life mostly.

I think that the recent highlight of racial discrimination is without excuse especially in this day and age. I support the police but not actions like these of course.

I stand with the world, not against it. I will continue to be color blind when it comes to people because it is all I can do.

Will racism end? That is a dream of many and I will continue to pray for an end to the senseless violence currently and to the end of racism…

If anything George Floyd’s death and that of many others will hopefully not be in vain as I don’t know about any of you but I feel a huge shift, a wake up call that cannot be ignored but one that leads to every person in this world reexamining their own views and belief system and trying to be color blind too. We all bleed red, why should the color of our skin matter? These are my thoughts on this upheaval…

Pax

Victoria

June 2020 Series…letter to a caregiver~

Dear (caregiver),

Thank you for being there for me all these years, for always knowing what to say to make things ok, for never making me feel less than…

Thank you for giving up your own needs and wants to watch over me.

Thank you for being strong and gentle when needed when I was falling apart, which was often.

Thank you for not giving up on me ever…

After each and every hospitalization, you were the one I remember when I got home, with a huge smile, clean house and so much positive energy…

Sorry if it was draining for you. Sorry you had to miss out on part of your busy life to be there for me but deep down I believe with all my heart you would do it again.

I love you and thank you with all my heart, all that i am. Because I know that I would not be doing as well as I am now without all your care, love and unconditional support…

God bless and return many favors to you,

Me

Dream big they say…

But for me this gets me in trouble with thoughts of grandeur, so I have decided to start small with the work on all of my life, deep within me, all my relationships with family, friends and strangers and exterior things, home, and gardens.

Today is a rest day for me so it is hard to just do nothing, which is a great sign for me that this will continue, that of being productive.

Had a vision during the healing circle on abandonment issues of smoke going up. I had my eyes closed and don’t believe it was a hallucination but rather a result of many childhood abandonment happenings. My take and that of Dave Markowitz who agreed that “some healing occurred”.

Today I have been sappy and teary plus malaise. The healing circle was on Friday. Yesterday was a busy day but good. I think I took on some of the negative energy in the world right now. So I did the keyhole exercise V2.0 and released what wasn’t mine to keep and kept what was meant for me.

I have been doing a lot of energy work lately, starting on accident at my friend’s home, which is like a retreat. I did a deep sun salutation and received a sign from above…my friend saw it too, a hawk first and then we saw its baby circling above above right after my sun salutation…

I lay hands on my friend that day and she recovered quickly from an ankle injury…she felt the warm energy transcend from my hands to her ankle…

It’s happened before with other people but it’s been a while as I don’t always remember I have this gift. I don’t believe it is a delusion. Just a healer at heart, with words and hands.

Have a great Pentecost Sunday, In the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, amen…

pax

Victoria