Am I succeeding or failing???

Dear readers,

I am in a cross in the roads right now.  Life has been crazy and I have been swept up in the busyness of keeping up with my house and soon the gardens,

I haven’t been writing much at all.  I just don’t feel like it.

Life is hard; Life is easy when I accept all that happens to me and just keep on keeping on.

An old friend reached out to me the other day and I was surprised to hear from wags and his questions to me and the answers I haven’t provided yet have caused me to think.

I don’t work, permanent disability, I don’t write, books didn”t sell.  What do I do with my time?  I visit my frail parents at extended care and visit with my friends I have made there.

I clean my house because I feel better with a tidy house.  But today is Sunday so I am taking a break from the house to write.  I don’t feel like I am a very good writer though.  It is so hard to express what I feel and I have a great idea sometimes and getting it out on paper is like tweaking, unpredictable.

So I will try if you have made it this far to get my thoughts out here.

I am in love with God although I don’t go to Mass anymore or receive the sacraments.  Just where I am and don’t feel bad.

I don’t work but keeping up with my frail parents is a part time job and I enjoy it although today I took the day off from visiting them.  I really needed a break and my sister is picking up the slack and telling me to go have fun.

I take supplements for energy, and relaxation sometimes bouncing between the two.

Relaxing is hard these days and to be completelty honest I enjoy keeping up the house so the relaxation is harder for me but today I am just resting.

Delusions are pretty much gone.  All that remains is the negative symptoms.  I take CBD oil go terpy and it helps immensely with all the stress.

Finances are bleak right now…. that is all I will say about that.

I received two jury summons in the same week.  Federal and local.  I had to get a note from my doctor to excuse me and in the comments I had to write that I am not one who should be making judgements, sound.  That was hard because I wonder sometimes how I m going to get through each day being led by God in a usual way not super connected right now but still praying and coming closer to God in a less extreme way.

WEll I did it, got some thoughts out here where I remain anonymous.  Hiding behind my pseudo name.  Now time to take more supplements and yes I am going to tidy my house.

Hope you all are doing ok.  I am just ok and that has to be enough.

Pax

Victoria

Happy 2020!!!

A new day tomorrow, new month, new year, new decade. My thoughts are good lately. Feeling positive about a new slate. Staying up late to bring in the new year…

Been very productive lately thanks to many things. God is so good and if you don’t believe in God I will believe for you, kind of like because He is so real. My faith is a gift 💝 May you realize this gift of Jesus Christ our creator. That Almighty the Divine.

Pax

Victoria

Addiction is real….

Dear readers,

Ok so I’m lost again in the world of addiction.

Coffee, cigarettes and other vices.

Some help but seriously the cigarettes have to go.

Cut back on coffee today and yesterday and still had energy amazingly. I drank tea much of the day.

And I tried something new today. I smoked some hemp flower. It was very relaxing! Going to get some more and try to replace the cigarettes with hemp flower. It has trace amounts of thc and doesn’t get you high just very relaxed for the hour.

I’m doing well other than figuring out my addictions. I’m also addicted to good things like music, lavender, healthy eating with weight watchers and decorating for Christmas 🎄.

No voices from heaven! Just sometimes gentle guidance from above. Prayer is a huge part of my day. Can’t ever possibly pray too much!

My days are spent managing the finances which I suck at and managing the house. Visiting my pa and getting exercise in.

It’s a pretty bleak life at times but sometimes it’s really good, other times I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Thanks for reading. Going to try to blog more but it’s the same old…

Having a mental disorder can suck the life out of you!!! Glad there’s medicine that helps.

Pax

Victoria

Living in the moment is vital…

Dear readers,

After my last recent demise into the darkest zone of my mind I am finding that I am not impervious to stress.  I thought all I had to do was avoid working and I would be ok.  But life can deal one thorns and 2019 was a difficult one.  I wonder what will 2020 bring?

More mental distress, peace of mind, financial problems or lack thereof.

But what I must do is focus on the present moment, nothing more.

That’s all I got today…

Peace to all of you~

Pax

Victoria

Deeply imbedded delusions never really go away…

The pain I feel to carry this cross ✝️ that I am the most special person to ever live is so real.

When I was deeply psychotic so many strange occurrences that are unexplainable to me and many.

I heard from God again and know what He wants from me. A simple life lived extraordinarily. A smile 😊 a good deed or many.

Never recognized for any of it.

Lately I am happy to report that I have been there for my 3 children and it is the most important thing ever.

Delusional thoughts pervade my mind but the proof isn’t there and I fail so much it is hard to believe really.

Pax

Victoria

I will always be disordered…

I call it a disorder rather than an illness but when I am sick too it makes it really hard!

I’m glad I’m not suicidal anymore albeit passively. I wonder for the future and other stressors that may cause a relapse but I must trust in God with all my heart ❤️

Pax

Victoria