Somewhere only I know…

I have a dark side but it used to be much darker in my teenage years when I was doing drugs. Drugs were not the cause of my Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder! It was a gift when I was 36 (stopped doing drugs at 21). Quite the gift…

I still wear mainly black and enjoy heavy metal music, Metallica currently, Yet I am very zen and Christian all the time. I can’t listen to songs about the devil though. Just saying.

I find God mentioned a lot in this type of music along with rebellion, which I am currently in but know that the Grace of God carries me to heaven.

Back to the dark side, I do not love evil, I prayed tonight for all the hardened sinners imprisoned. A bit of family drama tonight spurred it on. Please pray for my husband’s side of the family as they are in need of serious help and may be facing more jail time. I ask myself if I should stay out of it. I do not know so I will do nothing for now.

The May series is not my priority right now as some of you may have noticed. But hoping to stay up late tonight to write on it and to read more of the book I blogged about that has changed my life.

Today was spent with my dear friend who lost her husband 3 weeks ago today, spending the afternoon in my little garden and it was quite nice. We cried, laughed, talked about Larry her husband and watched all the dogs play. My Toby is her dog and I was so glad she brought him. I do not see friends much right now except her and we socially distance during our visits.

I am quite content these days with or without friends. But I am glad that I can be there for her and right now she needs me a lot and I appreciate that she loves me so much as I love her.

I say that yet I do look forward to seeing the family who live with me especially my husband coming home. I wash his mask when he lets me lol and disenfect his phone often.

Is anyone else getting used to these crazy times?

I hugged my husband’s friend tonight, who was born on the same day, month and year (weird) as my husband, who just lost his dad. A good long hug which he was surprised I gave him. I am not afraid and when someone is hurting due to loss I am going to always be there for them. Love will conquer all!

I take a lot of time for me, though, through all of this. I have my music when I want it. Haven’t been doing too much yoga but it’s there…can’t walk right now due to a double toe procedure but still getting in over a mile each day. Been reading a lot. Lots of books right now to stir my heart for God and learn how to hold other’s pain better without letting it affect me in the process.

That’s all for tonight!

God bless and stay safe

pax

Victoria

A book has changed my life again…loving it~

It is late yet the house is still stirring in a very rhythmic way.

Jason Mraz is playing in my earbud, “Mr. Curiosity”.

I have had a good day in many ways, the highlight being a book which answered my question I had had the night before which I had written down.

The question was- how can I remain peaceful despite negative energy from other people I encounter in my relationships with family and friends and the occasional stranger?

The answer I found was in a book a friend gave me in Dave Markowitz’s book, Self-Care for the Self-Aware: A Guide for Highly Sensitive People, Empaths, Intuitives, and Healers

__________________

It opened my eyes to two main truths:

I AM ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MYSELF, my own soul, my own salvation…

I CAN HELP OTHERS HEAL AND NOT LET IT AFFECT ME BY USING HIS TOOLS, keyhole mainly, sending back

additionally, I can do a body scan, send back to the person or people, and re-calibrate…

Those are the basics.

I set up a free fifteen minute consult with the author next week and ordered his other book Empathipedia: Healing for Empaths and Highly Sensitive Persons

I also realized something tonight while reviewing the questions posed by the intake form. I am healed in many ways through the teachings of Christ, the wisdom of the Buddha, self-reflection, meditation, prayer, and to seal the deal (no pun intended) the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me moment by year until eternity…

Pax

Victoria

Welcome and happy Sunday…

Welcome to my new followers~

How I appreciate you all~

There is a method to my madness~

Not as mad as I once was 2006-2008.  Hearing voices, hallucinating, buzzing and messages I had to write down and give to various priests and people.  No one was safe except for a few.  The devil even attacked me and my daughter one night.  God was at the center of all my delusions.

But once I started the antipsychotic drugs everything pretty much stopped.  I went on to earn my Master’s Degree in psychology and worked in the field 2011-2015 until stress caused a relapse of symptoms.  I took a Sociology Teaching job at our local community college and loved it and my students appreciated my teaching until a fight erupted in the classroom and stress again took me out.

I am now on permanent disability and I enjoy writing, gardening, doing yoga, meditating, walking, cooking, cleaning, tidying, and spending time with family and my pups.

I have written a May series on the mentioned activities above but have taken a little break.  Not sure anyone liked the cleaning one haha.  That’s ok.  It’s just where I am at.

Today is Sunday so taking a rest day.  Just some light yoga later and some cooking…

Hope you all have a great day and week ahead!

Pax

Victoria

May Series cont… The Art of Meditation~

I would like to get to the place where I did everything in a meditative state.  Do things mindfully, enjoy them, relax into them.  Even the hard parts of the day when something goes wrong, to just notice it allowing the distraction, and come back to center of my mind, which is clear now and without delusions for the most part.  I have always had the tendency to be grandiose with my ideas so it is hard to separate the delusions with excitement of life, and then meditating upon the excitement the day has unfolded.

I am getting used to not going anywhere.  Staying at home.  Meditating more and allowing it more into my day.  I have many rituals, tendency towards OCD is a part of my diagnosis.  It’s hard to relax your mind when so much is turning around up there.  But I use cbd oil and other products to enhance my meditation practice.

Meditation is not just zoning out although that is sometimes where my mind goes.

I really need to get better at it but find it hard when I am obsessed with my music or other thoughts.

But I have been taught not to worry when that happens but to just go with it.  Eventually you can relax your thoughts enough that nothing disturbs you.

Here’s my definition of what meditation is…

Meditation is the relaxing of your mind to try to induce a peaceful state.

I get there quite often when I least expect it.

I find peace and quiet to be my choice drug when my life seems out of control…

It is hard to stop and smell the roses all the time so I try to meditate with music to help relax my thoughts.  If an intruding thought of some misdeed of my past enters my mind I crush it out with memories of good times replacing the bad.

I also use lavender through the form of incense and oil and also natural mood relaxers as mentioned above).

I sometimes sit for hours in my blue chair in my green meditation room.

Sometimes I think about God and my love for Him.  Sometimes I think of nothing.  Sometimes I think of my loved ones especially my grandma who died many years ago.  Honoring our ancestors can also be a form of meditation.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like it though and that is ok too.  Going with the natural flow of the day is what works best for me.

Pax

Victoria

 

A Satisfying day in the garden…

I had a huge success today for somebody with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder!

I worked for two hours in my garden, which is huge because I usually only work out there for a half an hour max but today with breaks I spent at least two hours.

Feels good.  But the sad part is that the more you do the more you realize you will never be done.

Yet I get a giddy feeling in my belly when I know I am going out there for the first time of the day.  My dogs lead the way.  They know!

The theme for today’s blog is overcoming obstacles, often with the help of my soulmate, my hubbie of 28 years…

Gardening is a lot like life, just when you think you have it figured out something goes right or wrong.  Never a dull moment.  And like life so rewarding at just a little or a lot (like today) of progress.  Anyone who is interested can read my list below my signature of all I did today with minor comments.

Also did yoga and walking today along with my spiritual practice.  Caught the sunset as usual.  Not happening naturally like it was before I blogged that I have been catching it.

We are not promised another day in this life.  Impermanence is another theme of this blog.  All I see right now in my garden is life and weeds.  Weeds are like the problems we have in our every day life.  We have to tackle them or they get out of control.

Daily check in~  How are we doing?

I am good, activity always puts me in good spirits.

How are you? On top of our brain health hopefully, physical, spiritual, acting as if everything is normal, etc…

Driving  two hours tomorrow to pick up my meds that would cost over a thousand dollars because my insurance sucks!!!  Now that we are at stage two in lifting regulations for businesses, the reps are once again bringing samples.  My saving grace.  Thank you Jesus!

And then picking up dinner at either Mexican or steak cuisine.  My husband is treating because I have been spoiling him.  I love to.  He is my love, my friend, my comfort, my annoyance lol, my helper, etc…

No such thing as perfect in any marriage but we have gone through so much and now are at such a good place that it just feels divine.  Thank you to St. Joseph!

Anyways, off to write some more on meditation for the May series.  Anything done with purpose can be meditative!  Even writing.

Pax

Victoria [The joy of gardening…today’s tasks]

The Inspector is my dear daughter who is my usual helper in the garden, who is sick today with tonsillitis, could only come out to inspect and give me guidance.

  • Threw away the debris, crab grass, rocks in trash
  • leveled the ground for our new sitting area in the side garden
  • Inspector gives approval and makes suggestions which I do and receive the green light to proceed
  • lay down weed block with the staples my husband separated for me obstacle number one- found the right pliers
  • obstacle number two- ran out of weed block.  Time to improvise, success
  • added small decorative bark to front area.                      It looks so nice! Outdoor chairs, umbrella (my mother’s day gift from my kids), and a kiddie pool to soak our feet in on hot days.  I am predicting that 2020 will be a nice weather year if nothing else…
  • obstacle number three ran out of bark, , solution pick up more tomorrow at Whispering Tree (isn’t that a lovely name for a nursery where I wear a mask and so do they and no lines but great plants and materials plus tools!)
  • watered and gave Vitamin B for new orange tree dedicated to the honor of Larry Byl who passed away last week, my best friend’s husband.
  • Watered new succulent hanging plant garden my Mother’s Day gift to Mary Queen of Heaven, all the saints and angels.
  • Threw out rocks/concrete around African tree
  • Threw out pile of branches and leaves that my hubbie trimmed many weeks ago.  But he raked them up and I collected them in a trash bag and took them to the trash.
  • Took many breaks in between to meditate, relax and do light yoga and eat healthy.
  • Took a moment to grieve the loss of Larry RIP
  • Blogged
  • good night

 

 

With a mother’s heart…

I wish all of you a Happy Mother’s Day!  All woman need to be celebrated today I believe…

Jason Mraz has a new song called Wise Woman which is here just in time for Mother’s Day.  Beautiful rhythm and melody and the words capture many woman in my life.  For we are not mothers because we give birth to a child, no we are mothers when we care for another needs; albeit a pet, spouse or anyone in our life that we may touch.

I have 3 mothers. I am very blessed.  I have my mother in heaven, Mary, who helps me at every turn.  I have my adoptive mother who means the world to me because she chose me and loves me so.  And I have my birth mom, who is amazing and I wish I could get to be in her life more but alas it is not to be.

And I am a mother of 4 (3 still living) and was very blessed by them all weekend.

More gardening tomorrow.

God bless you all!  Especially moms who either have schizophrenia or are moms of children who have schizophrenia.

Pax

Victoria

 

Wishing…

I wish I could help the whole world, delusion, but I can pray…

I wish people would stop calling it mental health and start calling it brain health…

I wish the pandemic would find a cure, soon…

I wish the world will still be connected once they do find a cure…

I wish, I wish, I wish.

Fighting apathy today.  Been through so many emotions this last week but not giving up.  Off to my sanctuary garden which is really coming along.  If you are interested in gardening see my blog of my May 2020 series on the benefits of gardening.  See right side bar under May series.

This pandemic has brought much good into my life.  My family is closer than ever before except when they were children but it’s different now with them being adults and having their own opinions.  It’s like a bouquet, you never know what you’re gonna get in there that may surprise you.

My garden brings me so much satisfaction, joy and peace and the fact that my kids are helping making a team effort is super awesome as well.  Dogs love it too!

My house has never been cleaner although I really need to do some deep cleaning especially the blinds and windows.  Ah next week.

Today after I garden a bit, I am taking a shower to get ready to go see my oldest son and his wife for a socially distanced barbecue at their new home which I have not seen yet.  Super excited.  We’re bringing brownies my daughter made.

What are you up to this weekend?

Pax

Victoria