Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

hard to describe but I will do my best to put it into words…

Hello to all my readers new and old!

2 days now on the medicine Nivigil and 6 weeks on Clozapine which is amazing.  My pdoc prescribed me Nivigil to help with the tiredness caused by Clozapine.  It works amazingly!  For two days now I have had motivation to do things I have put off for some of it off for many years.

Every corner of my humble home is under scrutiny right now.  Just sayin…

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but the days of darkness are I feel behind me with this new medication regime.  My good friend Bethany Yeiser of CureSZ shared her experience with me of the benefits of Clozapine   And I took it to my pdoc right away almost and am just so grateful she shared with me.

So I want to share now with everyone who reads this who has still struggled with positive and negative symptoms of Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.  You do not have to suffer needlessly.  Ask your psychiatrist about Clozapine.  I just wish I knew about it sooner but it is what it is and I am grateful now more than ever to have my life back.  It might help you too!

My whole outlook has changed.  I am enjoying life in a new way and am so grateful to even be alive.  This from someone who was suicidal just a few months ago, no plan mind you but the thoughts were there and now they are gone.  I am more social and am always trying to find ways to give back what was so freely given to me.  lol.  I am also wonderfully free of all delusions of grandeur!  How I love this because they were a great burden.

I would like to do another poll so please take a minute and chime in on Clozapine.

Thanks ahead if you answer the poll!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

If you would like to share your story or have any questions feel free to comment on this or email me at victoriaalonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Have found my creative niche at last….

Now with the permanent disability hearing behind me and awaiting the outcome in the next two to three months I have needed something to occupy my time and I have found something I really enjoy that might make me money!

I have been collaging for a very long time and am at it again.  I take pics from magazines and brochures and paste them to black poster board, different scenes.  Just bought a cheap laminator and going to laminate them to finish them off.  I’m in no hurry but did take about 6 of them to a local shop that sells interesting items.  She invited me to have a space at a show in November or December.  Excited!!

Don’t know how to show them off here but can anyone tell me how to store them online?

Thanks

Pax

Victoria

No longer delusional… so happy to say!

Hello Readers,

Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.

This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it!  The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum.  It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…

Pax

Victoria