Don’t run I tell myself…

The minute things get hard I run or want to anyway.

When I was little I ran away from my friends when they hurt my feelings, I ran away from home several times. I grew up in California and still do live there, I ran away to Arizona, New York and anywhere I could think to be away from internal problems that manifested externally.

I ran last night.

I felt cornered, like there was no way out other than the difficult decision to do something that would change my life and the lives of many…

But God intervened and my mind was set to ease after a long evening with my best friend, a good night’s sleep and a text from my husband, which made everything ok. two words changed my decision…and he knew…

Marriage is hard enough but add to it all that is going on in the world along with my own interior battles having a mental health disorder makes it even harder.

Who is sick of quarantining? Me

A lot of good has come out of it. But I miss the days when I could sit in my sister’s kitchen and drink a glass of wine. I miss so much as I am sure all of you do too.

Just saying

So major life change diverted. I credit it to God, who alone knows what I need. I finally got honest with my husband today about a few things. We are starting with a clean plate, almost. One more last thing. Save it for another day.

A lot has transpired over the last few weeks.

Got tested for covid because I was having symptoms. But they were negative after 5 days waiting for the test results.

The energy in the world is very active right now.

I am getting paranoia with going out, but with good reason right?

I am rambling.

I am tired.

I pray for all of you to be safe, strong as you can and in the peace of a loving and forgiving God…

pax

Victoria

You really did it…

Life is about choices really:)

I choose life today over the opposite…

I try to not think about that much these days if at all although I do want to be with God one day…

But not now – no- I have so much to live for, my loved ones and I try to do good..

I perceive that much of what I try to do as failures but am going to turn it around and think rather they are mistakes that I have learned from.

And I am constantly learning, that was a joke but truth in every joke.

I hope you all are doing well.

I had a bug this week but was still productive. Got tested for covid but whatever it was went away after I armed myself with Shaklee my latest obsession.

I just can’t believe that I am so productive even when I was not feeling well this week. I credit it to what I have been talking about with brain health month here on mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia blog since 2013!

Mental acuity plus by Shaklee. You can check this out on my Shaklee brain health support website here and click on shop and order it. But it is backordered still sadly… hope I don’t run out, going to start taking one a day (currently taking two and see a difference from one) just in case.

I am working now again as a property manager for several properties. Only 6 hours a week max so fitting it in along with managing the house, family and me!

God is good!

pax

Victoria

Hello from the other side…

I must have called a thousand times.

Hard week for sure! Anniversary of my dad’s stroke, 4 years as of July 2, 2020. And he still blesses me…

That is our song by Adele, Hello. I do not have him with me in the same way anymore but we still have a strong connection and always will…

No more words on that.

I have decided I am no longer Catholic. 20 years wasted but it was the course I thought I was supposed to be on.

I love Jesus…

nothing more other than I am a child of God as we all are. In my Father’s house there is a place for me…

With that I shall leave you.

Good night my readers and visitors.

May the peace of the Triune God be with you all!

And may you find peace in Jesus also…

pax

Victoria

Am I losing heart?…

Not yet and hoping this continues, productive days coupled with relaxation and finally giving my pups more attention.

It’s so strange but simple things that others find easy used to be extremely difficult for me up till this pandemic. Now that I don’t go anywhere I am actually focusing where God has me, on my family, pups, home and gardens. It feels so good.

I also take time for reflection and this blog allows me to look upon my progress with all I do each day and feel good and accomplished. I’m speaking of external, interior and eternal things…

Prayer is at the center though of all I do. Today I dedicated a little dance in the kitchen for a friend who had a hard day.

I think of God often. He always thinks of me. I try to wake up each day in prayer but some days I am more attentive than others. He knows my heart and the medicine makes it hard for me to wake up in the mornings but today I tried something new that got me busy in the am. I shall share~

I wanted to be with my friend who lost her husband this Friday and actually go somewhere serene and beautiful, we chose Morro Bay in California. But I knew the only way I could go would be to work extra hard today and so I did. I usually don’t get productive until 5pm but today I started at ten! Lots of breaks to attend to my needs but worked all day and that is a first in a long while.

I am also attending to detail much better and I believe that is because of the Mental Clarity from Shaklee that I am taking. I am more focused, have a better memory and need my vices less.

I still need help though; yesterday with my therapist’s help, I was able to make a decision about where to plant some pretty flowers I bought several weeks ago. This decision was very hard as I wasn’t sure I was ready to take care of another section of my land. I do well for a while then I fall back into a rut and lose heart and motivation.

I chose the planter out on my back porch and left room in the middle to plant a geranium that I propogated (to make a plant from an established plant) that my dad told me how to do. It isn’t ready for transplant just yet but in a few weeks it will move over there and I have another way to remember my dad.

He is still alive believe it or not and the grief therapy that I receive every week for free because he is on hospice has provided much comfort and ideas how to navigate these hard times. I have acceptance for God’s will and every time I get to talk to him I am grateful for more moments with him.

I am very blessed in many ways. I choose to no longer suffer but rather embrace my disorder as a small part of me and even though I may have another mental break again, I am happy I have not had a hospitalization since 2018. But I am also not trying to work for money so hopefully never again I will be in that state. God’s will.

Enough rambling for tonight.

Godspeed

pax

Victoria

June 2020 Caregiver Month! Part 2

How many times have I been doing poorly and my angel in the form of my daughter came to my aid? Countless really! She has upheld my recovery in so many ways, too many to share.The nights she would make time for me from her busy social and work life to take care of mom once again…

These are the ways she has helped me so much-

Listening without judgement 

Gently reminded me of reality when needed

Never challenged my delusions 

Accepted my decision to struggle to work again despite a poor track record and being excited for me when I got my dream job but was then there for me when stress took me out again. 

And then the most painful acceptance of her help in 2018 when I became suicidal and she was in living in Colorado and had just earned her degree. I was curled up in the fetal position on the hotel bed with my medicine close that I planned to take to end the pain and my life but I reached out to her and she told me she was coming home that night. Crying I was like nooooo. I did not want to interrupt her life again. 
But she came. She also called my youngest son to give me a ride to the hospital. God bless them both!!!

She moved home soon after and as I grew stronger she allowed me to flourish and now I am there for her as she is going through her own tough time…

Pax

Victoria 

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

Unashamedly color blind…

In a world full of people of different colors, I am color blind. I was taught this from birth. I am so grateful to my parents for giving me compassion for all, no matter what color, ethnicity, sexual preference and the like.

I am white though and have lived without discrimination in my life mostly.

I think that the recent highlight of racial discrimination is without excuse especially in this day and age. I support the police but not actions like these of course.

I stand with the world, not against it. I will continue to be color blind when it comes to people because it is all I can do.

Will racism end? That is a dream of many and I will continue to pray for an end to the senseless violence currently and to the end of racism…

If anything George Floyd’s death and that of many others will hopefully not be in vain as I don’t know about any of you but I feel a huge shift, a wake up call that cannot be ignored but one that leads to every person in this world reexamining their own views and belief system and trying to be color blind too. We all bleed red, why should the color of our skin matter? These are my thoughts on this upheaval…

Pax

Victoria

Dream big they say…

But for me this gets me in trouble with thoughts of grandeur, so I have decided to start small with the work on all of my life, deep within me, all my relationships with family, friends and strangers and exterior things, home, and gardens.

Today is a rest day for me so it is hard to just do nothing, which is a great sign for me that this will continue, that of being productive.

Had a vision during the healing circle on abandonment issues of smoke going up. I had my eyes closed and don’t believe it was a hallucination but rather a result of many childhood abandonment happenings. My take and that of Dave Markowitz who agreed that “some healing occurred”.

Today I have been sappy and teary plus malaise. The healing circle was on Friday. Yesterday was a busy day but good. I think I took on some of the negative energy in the world right now. So I did the keyhole exercise V2.0 and released what wasn’t mine to keep and kept what was meant for me.

I have been doing a lot of energy work lately, starting on accident at my friend’s home, which is like a retreat. I did a deep sun salutation and received a sign from above…my friend saw it too, a hawk first and then we saw its baby circling above above right after my sun salutation…

I lay hands on my friend that day and she recovered quickly from an ankle injury…she felt the warm energy transcend from my hands to her ankle…

It’s happened before with other people but it’s been a while as I don’t always remember I have this gift. I don’t believe it is a delusion. Just a healer at heart, with words and hands.

Have a great Pentecost Sunday, In the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, amen…

pax

Victoria

Coping skills are sometimes slow to work…

So yeah, I have been doing great but when I have to go out it really stresses me out and takes me a little while to recover…

Puts me in a place of not wanting to do anything. But the busier I am the better I feel so going to drink more coffee and hope I can get back in the groove.

I have really organized this site and the May 2020 series. I still have self care-healthy eating-connecting with others-brain health and maybe journaling…

I have put some of the past blogs to a link on this page. I will be doing more later and hope to have it all ready by May 31, 2020.

May is the month of Mary. So I dedicate this whole series to her. She is our mother, advocate and the Queen of Heaven! Thank you Mary for bringing my many prayers before Jesus, where He is seated at the right hand of the Father.

Pax

Victoria

Somewhere only I know…

I have a dark side but it used to be much darker in my teenage years when I was doing drugs. Drugs were not the cause of my Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder! It was a gift when I was 36 (stopped doing drugs at 21). Quite the gift…

I still wear mainly black and enjoy heavy metal music, Metallica currently, Yet I am very zen and Christian all the time. I can’t listen to songs about the devil though. Just saying.

I find God mentioned a lot in this type of music along with rebellion, which I am currently in but know that the Grace of God carries me to heaven.

Back to the dark side, I do not love evil, I prayed tonight for all the hardened sinners imprisoned. A bit of family drama tonight spurred it on. Please pray for my husband’s side of the family as they are in need of serious help and may be facing more jail time. I ask myself if I should stay out of it. I do not know so I will do nothing for now.

The May series is not my priority right now as some of you may have noticed. But hoping to stay up late tonight to write on it and to read more of the book I blogged about that has changed my life.

Today was spent with my dear friend who lost her husband 3 weeks ago today, spending the afternoon in my little garden and it was quite nice. We cried, laughed, talked about Larry her husband and watched all the dogs play. My Toby is her dog and I was so glad she brought him. I do not see friends much right now except her and we socially distance during our visits.

I am quite content these days with or without friends. But I am glad that I can be there for her and right now she needs me a lot and I appreciate that she loves me so much as I love her.

I say that yet I do look forward to seeing the family who live with me especially my husband coming home. I wash his mask when he lets me lol and disenfect his phone often.

Is anyone else getting used to these crazy times?

I hugged my husband’s friend tonight, who was born on the same day, month and year (weird) as my husband, who just lost his dad. A good long hug which he was surprised I gave him. I am not afraid and when someone is hurting due to loss I am going to always be there for them. Love will conquer all!

I take a lot of time for me, though, through all of this. I have my music when I want it. Haven’t been doing too much yoga but it’s there…can’t walk right now due to a double toe procedure but still getting in over a mile each day. Been reading a lot. Lots of books right now to stir my heart for God and learn how to hold other’s pain better without letting it affect me in the process.

That’s all for tonight!

God bless and stay safe

pax

Victoria