Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

Toxic friendships oh my!

Dear readers,

Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity.  It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.

Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….

But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now.  I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.

I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks.  I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed.  I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…

Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend.  God bless you!

I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”.  Amen

Pax

Victoria

Featured Schizophrenia charity

Dear readers, I have not done well on Clozapine and am slowly weaning off of it which has proven to be the hardest thing I have done yet since being diagnosed.  It causes extreme anxiety and agitation and last night I was up the whole night unable to sleep because it was the first time I didn’t take my little quarter pill lol.

But behind every cloud there is a silver lining and this cloud has brought me to my favorite person lately and her charity. CureSZ is an awesome non profit which works hard to research and help find a cure for Schizophrenia.  I won’t ask for money for myself even though I have been turned down again for disability.  Money is more than tight but I trust God will provide.  But I will ask for money for great organizations such as CureSZ.  Please if you donate to help find cures for mental disorders such as Schizophrenia, consider donating to them and do what I plan to do and that is set up a monthly amount to make it easy and make a difference in an outstanding organization.  Please see the link below to start making a difference.

https://www.gofundme.com/c3hwh2-understanding-schizophrenia

Thank you ahead for anything you can do to support CureSZ!  I plan to give ten dollars a week which isn’t much but anything you can do will make a difference.

I always plan to blog more and that is my desire but have not been on line much these days.  I will provide updates to my new medication Vraylar which I started on last night.

For those of you who follow me thank you for your likes and messages.  All of them are appreciated and my heart thanks you all!

Pax

Victoria

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

The waiting game…

It’s been a while since my last blog and sorry to report that I am not doing well…

I am with a new doctor who is not always available, but the nurses are helpful for the most part.

I am very tired and still on clozaril, although he is slowly taking  me off it.  It just doesn’t agree with me.  My tiredness, and joint pain especially in my hands make every day very hard.

The good news is that my daughter has moved home so that is a major blessing.  Quoting Theraux “every where she went it was spring”. She is a ball of joy and energy.  She has been helping me deep clean the house in nooks and crannies I didn’t realize existed!  Thank you sweet Jesus for my daughter!

I am pursuing the steps needed to receive permanent disability and praying it won’t have to go to trial again but that they can make a quick decision in my favor because there is no way I can work right now…

I am helping take care of dogs as a side job which I enjoy because dogs just make life better!

To all my readers, thank you for your positivity in my life!

I will try to blog more as it helps me to.

So glad I am no longer suicidal because that sucks!!!!

Pax

Victoria

hard to describe but I will do my best to put it into words…

Hello to all my readers new and old!

2 days now on the medicine Nivigil and 6 weeks on Clozapine which is amazing.  My pdoc prescribed me Nivigil to help with the tiredness caused by Clozapine.  It works amazingly!  For two days now I have had motivation to do things I have put off for some of it off for many years.

Every corner of my humble home is under scrutiny right now.  Just sayin…

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but the days of darkness are I feel behind me with this new medication regime.  My good friend Bethany Yeiser of CureSZ shared her experience with me of the benefits of Clozapine   And I took it to my pdoc right away almost and am just so grateful she shared with me.

So I want to share now with everyone who reads this who has still struggled with positive and negative symptoms of Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.  You do not have to suffer needlessly.  Ask your psychiatrist about Clozapine.  I just wish I knew about it sooner but it is what it is and I am grateful now more than ever to have my life back.  It might help you too!

My whole outlook has changed.  I am enjoying life in a new way and am so grateful to even be alive.  This from someone who was suicidal just a few months ago, no plan mind you but the thoughts were there and now they are gone.  I am more social and am always trying to find ways to give back what was so freely given to me.  lol.  I am also wonderfully free of all delusions of grandeur!  How I love this because they were a great burden.

I would like to do another poll so please take a minute and chime in on Clozapine.

Thanks ahead if you answer the poll!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

If you would like to share your story or have any questions feel free to comment on this or email me at victoriaalonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

To the Universe, getting ready for my apt. tomorrow with Psychiatrist….

This is what I need to do for myself and if anyone else benefits then great…

Tomorrow I see my pdoc and hopefully he will be increasing my Clozapine.  I’m at a hundred right now but have been told that 400-450 is the therapeutic level.  I am still taking my Latuda but hopefully will be able to wean off of it and just be on the Clozapine.

So far the Clozapine has been great helping me to feel my feelings again which has been a bit uncomfortable but manageable.  I have had some of my most productive days on it than ever but still have some days where I am just well the best way to describe it is down.  I have had several lately in a row, with today finally coming out of it thankfully.

I am still having the side effect of tiredness and am sleeping 10-13 hours a day especially in the mornings I am like a zombie my husband has witnessed.  Am going to ask about a medicine to counteract this side effect.

What helps me most is my essential oils, lavender, peppermint, rose and jasmine.  And my music stays with me at every corner.  I’m good with a few close friends and most of all my dear daughter is there for me at every bend.  She is like my life line, and she calls me her angel but she is mine more than she knows.  Oh all my children bring me much joy!  Today someone asked me if I was a grandma.  Wow!  No, I answered not yet but I am hopeful….

My book will be out very soon, supposed to be arriving any day for my approval.  Will see if it can provide me some sort of income.  I have written many articles, a chapter in a book, a self published book and now a book that is being published and promoted with Covenant Books.  If this one does well I have another one ready to go too.  But it feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote it when in reality it was just a few months ago.

I am definitely not psychotic these days, very in touch with reality lately, my last delusion has faded greatly so that is a huge relief as it was a burden that I carry with only a few knowing these thoughts of grandeur.  Reality hurts.  I am human and I have a disorder.  What else can I say but that while my delusions were positive they carried with it a huge burden that I am just now as I type losing rapidly so happy to say.

But living in reality for the time being is great because although I make mistakes, some bigger than others, I know I am forgiven.  But it’s scary sometimes because I have very poor judgement at times….

God is good to me though and although I can’t see Him, I feel His presence with me at every waking moment and with each beat of my heart do I pray His will for me now and forever… amen.

Pax

Victoria