Things that stress me out…

 

and how I cope with a mental disorder.

  1. Money, although there always is some but yet wham, the unexpected or balloon payment is due like say for your taxes.  Mine are due in October.  Think of something else.  Don’t spend a dime.  Save if one can, even pennies add up to dollars.  I have definitely gotten better at saving this year.  I stopped shopping for everything on Amazon and am being more frugal about going to the store for every little item.  My husband was supposed to take over the bills because of my disorder but it hasn’t happened and never will probably.

I don’t work so I have more time to find coupons and deals when we do spend.  He makes a decent income so if I am careful I can really tuck some money away if I’m careful.

I know I am blessed.  I can’t imagine being single and having to rely on my disability income which I get $1,000 a month.

2. Sickness and getting older.  I am not as fit as I used to be but am getting back on track.  But I have been dealing for the past two weeks with a new medical problem surrounding digestive issues and am really trying to avoid going to the doctor right now because of lack of insurance (see #3) at least until October 1.

To combat this stress I try to eat healthy all the time with the occasional goodie.  I also am now exercising 4x a week on average.  I am gardening, walking and doing yoga throughout the week.  This helps my getting in better shape and also helps mental alertness and health.  Today was a rest day and all I wanted to do was to rest but I am in the middle of several projects around the house and rose garden so it was actually harder than I thought it would be to take a day off but my body needed the rest.  So back at it tomorrow!

Although this can stress me out a lot I am learning that the key to my happiness is acceptance.

Now i am much more motivated to do the healthy things that I am doing.  Which in the past it has really been problematic to just sit all day and do nothing, now I do rest in the mornings but do get busier later in the day.  So it is good that I am treating my body better because I have really been sick a lot and it has caused me to make sure I do all I can to be healthy.

I might go to the doctor this week.  We shall see how things go but this relates to #1 the money stress with doctor bills and testing they might want to do.

3.  My parents.  I accept they will not always be around but my dad is paralyzed on his left half of his body and my mom is a fighter but is still very frail yet tough as a bird!

How I combat this stress is by spending as much time with them as I can and appreciating every moment.

4.  Kids and husband.  Kids is easy to combat.  All the work I put in when they were growing up has paid off and although I might not agree with all their decisions I am very proud of the 3 of them.  Interestingly enough, my disorder did not kick in until I was 38 and I was only lost to the world for a year of being psychotic.  Husband is one of my kids ha ha so ditto for him.

I also stress over the unexpected busy day, making sure I take all my meds, doing all I can for my family and friends even when an interruption comes at an inconvenient time.  I used to turn off my phone, which I still do, but I do take calls when I can as needed to be a good friend!

Well that is the main stuff.  What are some things that stress you out and how do you cope?  Comment below or email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com.

Bless you all!  Of  course I pray a lot too and try to trust what God is doing.  But it isn’t always easy to do.

pax

Victoria

 

Advertisements

Thank you all…

So the truth is that I rarely get likes or comments on my blogs but I can see that it is viewed frequently with over 20,000 views since 2013, wow 6 years I have been blogging, just putting it out there with the only direction from above and my sharing of my journey with all my readers.

So just in case someone from let’s say India or the US wants to hear about something further from what I have written about feel free to write me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

If I don’t hear anything I will just keep doing what I have been doing since this blog’s inception.

Bless you all!

Pax

Victoria

Checking in sorry not as promised…

Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more.  But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths

prayer

read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety.  I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium.  I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone.  Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it.  When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it.  I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!

Prayers,

pax

Victoria

 

Blog update and question of the day…

Dear readers,

I have not posted on this blog since transferring all my followers to my new format which is still WordPress which you can find here schizophreniarecovery.us.

I got an interesting offer to do a video interview through SAMHSA through this old blog which does still get views and I see a few new followers.  I hadn’t realized it is still getting views so will be updating it every month with a blog just for you.  I will also be posting this blog on my new site so if you please you can just get one email alerting you of my new blog through which ever site you feel more comfortable with.

This blog is answering one of the interview questions in the selection process (they are interviewing several people and honestly I just want the one with the most hope to be picked even if that is not me) and I will be answering at least one every time I blog on the new blog.  Sorry if this is confusing but I want to reach as many people as possible that there is hope for those who suffer from a serious mental disorder as I do or their loved ones or any new projects that may come my way via this blog or the newer one.

I have been blogging since 2013 and am actually going to Boston end of this month to an advisory board for bloggers of Schizophrenia.  I am pretty excited and will see how I can bring my blog to the next level and spread the message of hope that I share through my ups and downs of living with a mental health disorder.  Life is not easy for sure and some days I stay in my jammies all day or until noon more frequently as the medicine I take makes me groggy in the am.

So… the first question that I would like to answer is “What would you like people to know about you?”.  The answer is simple but complex like many of life’s oxymoron’s.   I wake up each day not knowing what my mood will be and what I will accomplish as that is my measure of how I am doing.  I’m not always talking about crossing off a list of to do’s; no I am also talking about making connections with my family, friends and anyone who God puts in my path that I am meant to interact with.

I would say I am pretty successful most days in fact every day because even when I don’t feel like it I get stuff done (my biggest challenge is the dishes ha ha) and  always connect with people whether it is though my blog or my family and more.  I have found a new cafe where most of the workers are autistic and every time I go there and get a hug from Deano I am happy to be me and to connect.  I have wanted a place I can go to be me and although I go there by myself I make connections with all the staff and sometimes the other customers.  I have always wanted a place I can go to where they know my name like in Cheers and I think I have found my favorite hangout place.  I have been going there for a few weeks now but have wanted to go there for many years.  A big step but one I am glad I took.

That is just a little bit about me.  There is much more but will share more as I have time and feel free to comment or share with me via email something you would like people to know about you at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

Toxic friendships oh my!

Dear readers,

Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity.  It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.

Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….

But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now.  I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.

I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks.  I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed.  I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…

Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend.  God bless you!

I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”.  Amen

Pax

Victoria

Featured Schizophrenia charity

Dear readers, I have not done well on Clozapine and am slowly weaning off of it which has proven to be the hardest thing I have done yet since being diagnosed.  It causes extreme anxiety and agitation and last night I was up the whole night unable to sleep because it was the first time I didn’t take my little quarter pill lol.

But behind every cloud there is a silver lining and this cloud has brought me to my favorite person lately and her charity. CureSZ is an awesome non profit which works hard to research and help find a cure for Schizophrenia.  I won’t ask for money for myself even though I have been turned down again for disability.  Money is more than tight but I trust God will provide.  But I will ask for money for great organizations such as CureSZ.  Please if you donate to help find cures for mental disorders such as Schizophrenia, consider donating to them and do what I plan to do and that is set up a monthly amount to make it easy and make a difference in an outstanding organization.  Please see the link below to start making a difference.

https://www.gofundme.com/c3hwh2-understanding-schizophrenia

Thank you ahead for anything you can do to support CureSZ!  I plan to give ten dollars a week which isn’t much but anything you can do will make a difference.

I always plan to blog more and that is my desire but have not been on line much these days.  I will provide updates to my new medication Vraylar which I started on last night.

For those of you who follow me thank you for your likes and messages.  All of them are appreciated and my heart thanks you all!

Pax

Victoria