Goodbye Yellow Brick Road…

When are you coming down?

When are you going to land?

Not every day can be perfect and today was one of them.  It is only now after relaxing by myself for a bit and processing my day with a spiritual friend that I am able to write.

I am not going to share my day though!  Hah that would be too boring…

Just the end.

I caught the sunset and have been doing so for the last few weeks.  I can see it from my meditation room and the few quiet moments tonight as it was descending this song came on.  Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles.  Again music comes to my aid to enhance an experience.  And the answer to those questions is that my future lies beyond the yellow brick road.  For me that song had great significance in my recovery from schizophrenia.  As I said goodbye to my delusions I would sing with Sarah.  Oh how grande!

So what else do I have to say goodbye to?

Life as we once knew it, which is now riddled with fear and chaos.

To giving up.  I will never ever give up!  I can’t, I won’t.

Please if you are reading this don’t give up hope.  You can always reach out to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com which is a private email closely monitored.  Thank you to the numbers of people who have written to me sharing their pain.  Some of them I have lost touch with others are still in my life.  The important thing  is to reach out if you are hurting to family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists and 911 if needed…

The hard way out would be to commit suicide but I would hurt too many people so it would be safe to say that I have many protective factors on my side.  Not all are so fortunate.  If you fall in this category, please know that I care about you.  I pray for my readers all the time…

I would like to say goodbye to my non productive days like today was.  My lowest point was lying on the master bed, which I had just made at 5pm, with a pile of clean clothes in my arms curled up in the fetal position.  I was just trying so hard to be productive and what I really needed was just a  good old fashioned lie down.  I proceeded to fold the clothes while laying down which I do not recommend if you want your clothes to be folded properly (hehe).

I realized soon after that my blood sugar was low after I ate a delicious chocolate m n m cookie and felt much better.  And drank my water after my umpteenth cup of coffee.

Well that is all for the night.

Working on my walking blog for the May series.  Hopefully will finish and post tonight.

Do you all like when I put pictures?

Seriously, email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com as my email in-box has been quiet this week ha ha.  It helps me to listen to you and is safe.  And in this lock down a good idea to at least call, text, facetime, or email someone in your life, if not me, who has been a support or may be.  People, especially me, are not perfect but human connection is needed now more than ever so reach out.  Go and may God bless you!

Pax

Victoria

 

Guest article on financial planning for people with disabilities…

guest4 Essential Financial Planning Steps for People Who Live With Disabilities

Living with a disability can mean living with extra care costs. While you may be fully prepared to pay for those expenses now, life can be full of unexpected surprises. If those surprises impacted your income, whether due to a job loss or sudden injury, could your family afford the added expenses? If you can’t readily answer this question, it may be time to sit down and come up with a financial plan for your future. Without adequate planning, your loved ones could end up footing the bill and feeling overwhelmed. Thankfully, these steps can prevent that added stress.

Signing Up for Adequate Life Insurance

Although no one likes to think about it, if you pass away, that can put an immense financial burden on loved ones. But you can help your loved ones avoid this hassle by buying life insurance online. Online calculators and comparison charts make it easier than ever to shop for life insurance without the need to speak with an agent or even leave your own living room. In the event of your untimely passing, your loved ones can use the proceeds from your policy to replace lost income and help pay for other living costs. You should be aware, however, that a Schizophrenia or Bipolar Disorder diagnosis might make it tough to qualify for a large sum. Instead, you may need to apply for a guaranteed benefit policy, which is often more expensive and has a lower benefit.

Adding a Final Expense Insurance Policy

If you want even more financial protection for your surviving loved ones in the event of your death, you should also consider purchasing final expense insurance. Unlike life insurance, this sort of policy typically only pays out enough to offset funeral expenses, unpaid medical bills, and other costs that are directly related to your death. By adding final expense coverage, you can provide some added financial cushion for family members so that they can reserve payouts from your traditional life insurance policy for other costs and expenses. The average American funeral can cost $7,000 to $10,000, and that’s only for minimal burial and memorial options, so having extra final expense coverage could save your family a lot of stress during their time of grief.

Considering Long-Term Care Insurance

Will you need long-term care in the future? Over half of all seniors in America will need some variety of long-term care in their lifetime, and the costs of that care can be overwhelming, even if seniors only need care for a couple of years. So if you want to be prepared for your care needs, you need to come up with a financial plan for covering long-term care expenses. For many people, that means buying long-term care insurance. If you are currently in your 60s, 50s, or even younger, long-term care insurance can be much more affordable, so the key is to start shopping early. Purchasing long-term care insurance can prevent your spouse, children, or other family members from having to struggle to find ways to pay for the long-term care you may need. You may also be able to help pay for long-term care by selling your home, so it’s a good idea to stay informed on how much you can make from a sale. Keep in mind how much equity you have in your home and the assorted fees, taxes, and commissions you’ll owe after selling.

Saving Enough for Other Retirement Expenses

Care expenses can already be a major financial burden for retirees, but there are a few unexpected healthcare costs that can take seniors by surprise. Dental care, prescription drugs, and preventative care can all result in added expenses that are not covered by traditional Medicare policies, so it’s especially important for those who are living with disabilities to include these potential healthcare costs in their financial plan for retirement. Estate planning is also important, and signing up for life insurance can be a good start. Still, your estate plan should also include legal documents that will allow loved ones to make decisions regarding your care, your estate, or your final expenses, including a will and the right power of attorney documents.

You may not be able to see into the future, but you don’t need superpowers to create a solid financial plan for your future expenses. Living with a disability can mean even more expense for your loved ones if something should happen to you. So make sure that you have a financial plan for both the expected and the unexpected.

Thank you Ed Carter for writing this and caring about many by sharing such helpful information.

Photo Credit: Rawpixel

Coming soon the benefits of???

Pax

Victoria

What is the delusion?

Ok, I am willing to share this deep secret that I have only told some random therapist about.

I believe I am the cause of the Coronavirus!

God gave me a sign a week before to stop vaping.  Very clear and one other person witnessed the message to me.  And then in a song God confirmed his will

The messages have been clear and timely to what I am thinking about.

So do I quit?  No!  I tried and went crazy.

So I am sorry world.

Part of me knows that the world does not revolve around me.  But this delusion persists and there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel so guilty.

God gave me the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 and I had no idea then what i know now.  I am on medication but the main delusion at the time of 2006-2008 and off an on since is that I am the most special person to ever live.

Well this delusion that I am causing the virus as some sort of punishment for my disobedience is a lot to handle.  Wondering if I should share it with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.

I don’t let it affect my every day life though, just have my moments of regret and justification.

Delusions can be so deep and I haven’t seen any more signs as of late but the world isn’t getting better and here I sit vaping…

Today was hard, I was bored with myself, my music, my life but not my dog.  Dressed her in a red bandanna left over from the large pack I bought for masks.  But instead today drove an hour each way to pick up some nice ones a kind lady made that I met on FB. Was with my son so got in some new music.

But seriously people I need some ideas   I will search my own mind.  It has failed me before but now I am desperate to find a better way to spend my days while in self isolation with my hubbie, and two adult kids.

Did take a walk with my pup which helped.  Sun and wind in the same short walk.  Haven’t felt much like exercising as of late.  But know I must for my mental health.  Must, must , must.  It is not an option no it is a prescription for me from me.  Exercise to feel better even if I don’t feel like it!

Off to walk a little, wait, need to eat dinner first.  Miss a meal, not I!

pax

Victoria

Warning~Religious post with no apologies…

Jesus died for us, plain and simple, He rose from the dead in expiation of our sins and lives today at the right hand of the father, filled with love and mercy for us all.  All we have to do is ask Him in and He will graciously accept!

Even though we may be disordered or know a loved one with a disorder God loves us all the more.  he knows all our sufferings and difficulties and knows the deepest thoughts of our estranged at times minds.

I wish I could write in Spanish… just pondering these thoughts today on another day in physical distancing mode.

To keep busy I have been doing the mundane and even brushed my dogs and brushed their teeth!  Gave them extra treats because I am rationing their dog food until it is safe to go out and buy it.

May order some on line but I like to get a good kind and I’ll have to look that up but for now I am good with spoiling them with extra treats.

Back to Jesus.  If you are despairing right now or are unsure if you believe in God or heaven or anything say this simple prayer and watch the Holy Spirit work wonders in your life.

“Jesus, I ask you into my heart.  I love you and thank you for loving me.  Please send the Holy Spirit to guide me and all my loved ones and the whole world right now when the devil is happy we are apart. ”

Solidarity is unity through Jesus!!!

But the devil won’t be happy if we pray this prayer.  Say amen and really mean it and your life will change.  And if you already have done this, can I get an Amen and a prayer for all of those who really need a prayer right now even if they are not yet ready to accept Jesus into their life.

God bless

pax

Victoria

Melt down, still recovering…

After my last post of how well I was doing I hit a wall…

Had to go to busy store to pick up my prescriptions and tried all day the day before to get them delivered but because one of them is a controlled substance they could not.  It was a lot of ups and downs and in the end I did go but got out as quick as I could.  Really freaked me out!

This is fricking nuts!  I am still recovering from my melt down.  Thought about drugs and booze but not about suicide.  No I want to live , I want to give hugs again and shake hands, without the fear…

Tried to quit vaping…didn’t go so well on a stressful day and there may be more to come…

Hope and pray for all of you and your families everywhere, Japan, China, India, Australia to name a few and of course the US.  God bless the world, God bless America!

pax

v

 

Stress brought on new relapse, going to start Clozapine Monday!

Hello to all!

Stress, as I have written about before, is my biggest enemy with this disorder.  This time it was helping a family member that caused me to relapse into a world of my own.  Oh I look fine on the outside except I am dressed very warm because I am need the warmth right now.

So I went to see my psychiatrist last week and I asked if we could try Clozapine.  He said, “oh the big gun”.  I never knew it was called that.  I wonder why he didn’t try it before after all here I am and I can’t even hold down a job.  But after all the rigmarole I understand now why he did not prescribe it sooner.

First you have to do bloodwork every week for a period and then biweekly and then I believe monthly.  They have to monitor my white blood count to make sure it doesn’t go too low.  So I did that the next day.  Then I go to the pharmacy and they didn’t have it in stock so they sent it to another pharmacy I have never dealt with and they shall be nameless but their service is less to be desired than my regular pharmacy Walmart.

So I am working with my pharmacy and they say I have to be in some registry for this special drug… I had to wait for my busy doctor to enroll me and by the time he did it was too late to get my medicine on Friday and they won’t update the registry until Monday so Monday it is.

I am staying close to home, trying to use my coping skills right now because I feel so unwell.  I have had to disclose my disorder to a few people since I had to stop helping this family member who needs a lot of help and attention.  I had to step back due to her negativity.

I am surrounding myself with positive people and vaping my cbd oil which has helped in the past and helped me to get these thoughts out on here in my safe blog.  I am listening to my fave music, Jason Mraz, who is so amazing.

My son and daughter have also been here with me every step, believing in me and supporting me.  My husband doesn’t get it but is being as understanding as he can be.

I haven’t visited my dad since Monday but may go tomorrow if I feel up to it.  I’m taking it easy right now, being very gentle with myself and trying to stay positive.  I have heard great things about this medicine so I have hope that next week may bring some needed relief.

Pax

Victoria

Doing better I think

My psychiatrist really thinks I have a rare form of Schizoaffective Disorder because I basically diagnosed myself back in 2008 which a team of doctors at UCLA confirmed within three days of my admittance to their psychiatric ward.  I knew something was amiss and was right.

This is how it has been for me in these last 8 years.  I know when I am doing well and I know when I am not and even can predict when a relapse may occur, usually stress induced.

This is why I am perplexed this time at my recent development of psychotic symptoms over the past week.   I can’t say it came out of nowhere.  But it wasn’t stress it was amazement at how God definitely answered one of my heartfelt prayers.  It was amazing and so clear and I thank God for the answer He gave me but I don’t understand why it brought on mild psychosis.

I am doing better now I think.  The unwanted thoughts have ceased but I still am in a bit of a daze and am not motivated much to exercise right now.  Because I don’t work I have a lot of free time and what do I do? Sit!  in front of the computer, in the armchair etc..  you get the idea!  I am working on my book some days so that is  a good excuse to sit, but I wish I could get back into a good exercise routine again.

I see my pdoc on Friday which is good it is a few days away while I figure out how I really am doing.  I have hope that he will help me with some of the missing pieces of the puzzle.  Being mentally ill it is not always easy to know how one is doing.  Talking to people doesn’t help.  It may sound strange but it feels like God gave me the best psychiatrist in the world who I trust so much with all my important thoughts and care.

To my readers with Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder or any mental illness:  I really hope you all have a psychiatrist you can trust too.  I hope and pray that everyone looks forward to their appointments like I do!

Pax

Victoria