Dedication to a dear friend about to pass!

My friend is known by many names, ice cream Anne, gardening Anne, cigarette Anne, good friend, always ready to defend the defenseless, always ready to fight the good fight, even now as her body fails, she holds on, fiesty, until the very end.

I made a deal with God that I don’t want to be there without her and I know He will honor my childish demand.  I don’t believe all go to heaven or purgatory, we will be surprised the bible says by who is in hell…. That is all I will say about that.

Today I lost my car in a large parking lot.  I wanted to cry.  I honestly didn’t know what to do and thought about asking for help, or calling my dear daughter.   I was suffering from anxiety already today due to Anne’s demise into unconsciousness, but she is with her mom and dear friends so I just could pray.  Also another dear friend suffered a stroke this week- God gives us so many people to love and to be loved by.  I love you Julia, more than can ever be known for that is what love is, exponential and God multiplies that love even more so!

So there I was lost in the parking lot, and by the time I found it I was so perplexed and also oh yeah I have been delusional again:( believing that every little thing that happened to me was God directing me!  Frigging don’t know reality and quite frankly quite exhausted doing God’s bidding, helping my frail mother, visiting my paralyzed father, visiting my spiritual sister with the stroke, my daughter getting very ill recently and having to rush her to ER, my dog getting a fox tail up her nose and needing emergency care…. I am ok now that this week is over but boy oh boy was I struggling this week with what I thought God wanted me to do and reality..

And all this while I am going to AA meetings, trying to stay sober one day at a time and trying to stay sane despite my good intentions for Anne today.  Even now as I type out this blog to the universe am I feeling led and guided by my higher power which I choose to call God the Father who made heaven and earth.  God of love, and purpose and undying affection on the cross.  May I die there too, in all my frailties, and uncertainties with what is really real and not.

So there I was freaking out in my car, called my pdoc who had left for the three day weekend but the office reached out to him and he said I could take more Ativan which was why I was at the store and had just popped a pill I normally take later in the day.  It did help and so did talking to my amazing therapist- Pam.  Another person God has put in my life who is so frigging supportive to all and when it is my time to receive her attentions I am most grateful.

Can anyone relate, will I ever find that magical cocktail that used to work for me?

Clozapine has not worked out as I had hoped but going to try Vraylor next.  Going to do some research on it tonight and see what the side effects are.

On a exciting note, my daughter is going to help me promote my book, Loving God, Suffering and being in His will for all.  She is trying to gain experience as a copy editor so is going to help me out because I don’t know what to say.  I mean I did the hard work and wrote the book but as to promoting it, honesty can’t somebody else??? Yes, this is an attempt at being funny…. ha ha please at least smile:)

It came out in January and I am not sure of the sales yet but watch for that promotion in the next few days or week.

Thank you to all my followers, new and old.

I am forever in your holy debt for the support, comments, prayers and all that goes with trying to post more and show support freely as has been done for me.



The waiting game…

It’s been a while since my last blog and sorry to report that I am not doing well…

I am with a new doctor who is not always available, but the nurses are helpful for the most part.

I am very tired and still on clozaril, although he is slowly taking  me off it.  It just doesn’t agree with me.  My tiredness, and joint pain especially in my hands make every day very hard.

The good news is that my daughter has moved home so that is a major blessing.  Quoting Theraux “every where she went it was spring”. She is a ball of joy and energy.  She has been helping me deep clean the house in nooks and crannies I didn’t realize existed!  Thank you sweet Jesus for my daughter!

I am pursuing the steps needed to receive permanent disability and praying it won’t have to go to trial again but that they can make a quick decision in my favor because there is no way I can work right now…

I am helping take care of dogs as a side job which I enjoy because dogs just make life better!

To all my readers, thank you for your positivity in my life!

I will try to blog more as it helps me to.

So glad I am no longer suicidal because that sucks!!!!



Clozapine is suppressing my appetite!

I’ve lost 5 pounds so far with 20 to go!

I am also off two medicines I have been taking for years~ Risperdal (an anti-psychotic) and Buspar (anti-anxiety).

I am still on Latuda (an antipsychotic) and attivan (anti-anxiety) for my mental health and synthroid for my thyroid.

I see my psychiatrist on the 19th of this month and will be pleased to give him a good report of the new medicine, Clozapine.

It still makes me tired a lot but I think and hope my body is adjusting to it.  I take naps but not today…

Today I  ran my household tight.  Shopped, cleaned, cooked and got it all tidy.  I’ve been doing much better lately with the household and I know that is another benefit of this med.  I am more motivated, creative, and in a better mood.

I also feel much stronger to work again.  I have applied at two places that I would use my degree for the job if I get hired, if I get an interview….

God’s will be done!



Music soothes my soul….

In the mood to blog, hope everyone is doing well.

Music really helps me a lot that and my essential oils…

I find music on Youtube for free and buy some CD’s when I want to play my music while I am working on the kitchen.

Today is my anti-shopping day.  Not one thing, we’ll see, it is hard to resist Amazon Prime.

Right now I am listening to Jason Mraz, Mr. Curiosity.  So amazing!

I am also addicted to the music of Sara Bareilles, I choose you, 100 times and more….



a sad post…..medication helping to feel deep emotions

Today I saw my dad…..he is paralyzed on his left side after two strokes last year July 2, 2016.

He is not always coherent but today was priceless…

I just love my dad so so much and miss our long visits over coffee with him going on and on about whatever was on his mind, advice, observations, secret holder my dad!

I told him I was hearing voices of Jesus and he never told till later after my life unraveled.  I could trust him with anything and everything and trust him I did…

but no more and this makes me so sad…he almost died twice and yet he is still with us in this new limited capacity… but I will take it God, I accept he will never be back to where he was before, so today was special.

We sat by a fountain at the care facility where he lives and called a few people and then he began to just talk to me…in a low but clear voice, advising me as he once did with words from the gospel to be Jesus’ sheep.  we sat a while…and then he was done.

I have been taking Clozapine now for 3 days and I have not felt such deep emotions for a very long time….Can’t wait until it is increased and I can stop taking my other anti-psychotics!

Hope you all are doing well!




Essential oils brighten my day:)

I bought a pack of essential oils with lemon, rosemary, cedarwood, eucalyptus, orange, peppermint, lavender, stress relief and more…

I have been using them in various recipes that I got out of eat dirt by Dr. Josh Axe.  Today I made deodorant with coconut oil, baking soda and rosemary.  Put it in an old container and have cheap good smelling deodorant!

Tomorrow it is going to be my favorite activity with lavender.  I am making goat soap the easy way and even adding color and lavender dried flowers to them.

Today was a good day.  I painted my kitchen cabinets and the kitchen is so much brighter now!  Feels clean!  Scrubbed my countertops too and got rid of what I don’t use that was taking up space mainly cds.  I am obsessed with Jason MrAz house shows.

I am not always motivated to do jobs around the house or in the gardens so I take the motivation when it comes… and lately because of the CBD oil and other herbal remedies plus the essential oils my motivation level is quite high.

I even applied to two jobs this week that won’t affect my disability if I get it working retail at department stores.  Seems chill.  Not much pay but right now anything helps!

Today is Padre Pio Feast Day September 23 and he answered a novena prayer I was saying with my daughter in a big way!  God is so good!

My disorder is in check right now.  I still take my medicines twice a day faithfully and everything else I do on top of it is just supplementation not instead of.  I have resigned to the fact that I will be taking Risperdal and Latuda along with Lexapro and my anti-anxiety drugs every day for the rest of my life.

Finding creative ways to make life pleasureable is half the fun, the other half is living my life with a purpose!

Still waiting for several things to happen, my second book should be published 2018, and I will find out hopefully this month if I qualify for permanent disablility or not.

My mom is also having surgery for a knee replacement this next week so appreciate any prayers anyone can muster!

Life is good!  Doesn’t have to be a pity party even when I am unmotivated….