Even though I forget about God sometimes and know I am often out of His perfect will, I know with all that I am that He never forgets about me…
These are my thoughts today as I make a few decisions and await His guidance…
To go or not to go, to stay home or get out. Doesn’t matter at the moment to me but perhaps getting out is what I need so I am going to just go for it!
May God bless each and every one of you and lead you down the happy path we call life and spend each moment thanking Him for His love and unconditional love and acceptance.
I hope all is well with each one of you!
It has been a rough week and I feel compelled to share on here.
We thought my mom might die Monday night but after asking for prayer she came out of it and said she was hungry (she hadn’t eaten for a week). The next day she was back to her old critical self and got mad at me for cancelling my class (would have been a basket case anyway) and emphasized the importance of me not missing teaching my class. She also paid me a huge compliment that I had my dream job and how happy she was that I was using my degree in my career. The compliments are few from my mom so this was wonderful but the daggers she inserted the next day were huge and I would like to share.
She criticized me for driving 5 hours to meet another Schizophrenia survivor and actually expressed to me that it was my Schizophrenia! This sort of stigmatizing affected me greatly and when she is better I plan to speak to her about it but for now I know she is just ignorant about how to deal with a person with Schizophrenia and in that ignorance she is forgiven. But I did check in with my daughter if she agreed with my mom and she absolutely did not. I had planned the trip for two months so it wasn’t impulsive and even though our time was short for a very long drive it was a potent and powerful meeting which I will always be grateful for!
To loved ones, blaming decisions you don’t agree with on the disorder only causes much pain and suffering so find another way to deal with your loved ones affected by a disorder like Schizophrenia rather than accusing them of the disorder being the problem. I am doing so well right now and am proud that my disorder is in some kind of remission.
I was grading some papers and it came to my attention that some students might have cheated on the ten point quiz. I have already dealt with plagiarism and this realization made me sad, angry and powerless over my class. Many thoughts of inferiority came up, did I make the quiz too hard, why are they feeling the need to cheat on a ten point quiz and the like. I made a decision after discussing the matter with many and sent out an email to the class that there might have been cheating occurring on the quiz and that if I caught anybody cheating on any future tests they would get a zero and be made to sit in the front of the class for all future quizzes and exams. So sad that at a college level I had to do this but since I cannot prove this I felt that dealing with the class in a broad way might alleviate future cheating. But the whole process caused me much angst and right now I am fighting depression and this surely added to it in a negative way.
I do not know if I will teach again in the spring as some of the stress this job is causing is just that, stressful and I must take care of my mental health above all else. Now that I am receiving permanent disability I have that leisure to not work so I pray God to guide me in all that I do.
After a rough day of staying in my pajamas all day, eating much sugar and not doing very much I had the most interesting dream.
I was a child again but with the same problems I suffer today, Schizophrenia, dad’s major strokes, mom sick and critical and the like. I was sort of adopted by this very large family. I was appreciated, encouraged and made to feel like a part of the family. Reminded me of how heaven may be one day…
I know I suffer from much emotional baggage from my childhood and this dream worked out some of the needs I had that weren’t met as a child.
I know that I must not give up, God knows we’re worth it and I won’t give up! My new therapist is very helpful in working through these childhood issues and I can see the other side but it is painful and hard work!
Bless you all,
Not sure who is getting my blog posts but wanted to make sure this one got out to all for prayer….If this is a double email for you, my apologies….
It has been a rough week for sure and I am pulling out my bag of tricks to feel better. I know what works and what doesn’t and am seeing a new therapist now which is very helpful. I am certainly doing well in my recovery because I have got through a couple of very hard things without relapsing on many levels.
My dad (who is in extended care due to a major stroke and is paralyzed on his left side) got very sick and we thought it was pneumonia, which if it was we were not going to treat due to his mental decline, but it was just a bad cough and he made it through. Even though he is not always cognitively present it still provides comfort that he is alive; everyone at extended care loves him and he still makes sense the first five minutes and I will take that and hope he is still alive for many years despite the cost of 15,000 dollars a month to keep him in an excellent facility.
Then the past week my mom got gravely ill and we thought she was going to die. I cancelled my class that I love to teach because I was a basket case and witnessed a miracle of her getting better after asking many people to pray for her recovery. The thought of losing both my mom and dad the same month has been very rough but I taught my sociology class today even though it was hard to focus and I have been relaxing a lot, watching netflix (fave show right now is heartland) and eating some healthy and some not so healthy foods to cope with the stress.
Yet, despite all that I am going through tonight I am focused on this one little lost sheep (student) who is trying very hard but is failing my class. The rest of my students are passing with high grades for the most part but she is not. So tonight I referred her to an early alert program which I should have done sooner but better late than never. I won’t give up on her! So if you can pray for her to get the help she needs I would greatly appreciate it.
I feel like I know personally what the bible talks about going after the one sheep that has gone astray, leaving the rest of the herd to help the one that is lost in my class! I don’t see it as a failure on my part because she is the only one who is struggling but I have to do all I can and pray, pray and pray.
Life is good right now! I have both my parent for the moment, my three kids are doing well and my marriage is strong. My husband, who does not begin to understand my diagnosis, has really been compassionate in his way and I have expressed my thanks to him. I love my job teaching sociology 101 and love to challenge my students in new and interesting ways. I hope they will ask me to teach again in the Spring 2019 but we shall see. Any way around it, it has been a great experience and very rewarding. I don’t make much money but love teaching!
My birthday is next week and I have many plans, Morro Bay with my dear daughter, Chinese buffet with family, pizza and movie night and horseback riding on the beach. I feel spoiled! 49 years young!
I am still taking the CBD oil from GOTERPY which has greatly reduced my schizoaffective disorder symptoms. I am no longer delusional which is great to know that I am not the greatest person to ever live lol. Sounds silly but until I started taking the full spectrum CBD oil, I still partially believed it but now I know I am not and it is a great relief!
Hope everyone has a good Friday and thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for my lost sheep, that she may return with a decent grade and pass my class.
Even though I am tired this Monday morning I feel God guiding me on a transformative journey but let me back up to this weekend…
I finally finished my fifth step in na this weekend (to share my wrongs with another) as I found myself in the confessional with my humble but wise confessor. I hid my 4th step in my bosom and chose to go the route of private confession behind a veil so I would not be recognized.
As I read my difficult 4th step which I have admitted to no one before I didn’t feel anything. I asked for comments after reading it and received a loving non judgmental answer and practical ways to overcome my sin.
After the absolution was prayed this dear priest who I consider to be Jesus in each sacrament said to me, “pray for help to find out who you really are”. Of which I was slightly offended at.
But God does not let us down when we are actively seeking His will and throughout Sunday till this moment I have discovered I don’t really know myself as the priest suggested.
Sunday came and I don’t know why but I felt unsettled despite my morning and afternoon practice of spiritual reading and prayer with meditation.
I felt led to buy some books from a dear friend who used to have a book store particularly seeking books on Buddhism which I feel drawn to study eastern philosophy. As we sorted through her books in her dusty shed from a cardboard box of books I picked out some books on Buddhism and also picked out a book called “vein of gold” which is a creative book full of exercises on how to discover who you are. The first exercise was writing by long hand 3 pages every day on anything going on in your mind. Well I started right away and it revealed much!
I picked it up this morning after my morning practice and was blown away by the first few lines. I had to look up the word alchemy as it was used in a way describing the book and this journey I am about to embark on in an unknown context. It means transformation which I didn’t even know I needed!
I thank God for this wonderful journey I am on called life as more is revealed through the universe, nature, people and books. I pray for wisdom from the Holy Spirit to continue to guide me in all I do particularly with my work and the promotion of my book.
I shall share more as much as I feel led anyway but it is very personal so we shall see.
I plan to do my first podcast this week so that is exciting as when I blog or talk I find I am also learning who I am. Yesterday I read my past 5 of 6 blogs and how far I have come since February 18 of this year! I was suicidal and at the deepest dark moment of my life but I have heard that without great pain one cannot know great joy!!! So I am terribly joyful these days and don’t have words to describe my gratitude to my Creator who made heaven and earth!