Deeply imbedded delusions never really go away…

The pain I feel to carry this cross ✝️ that I am the most special person to ever live is so real.

When I was deeply psychotic so many strange occurrences that are unexplainable to me and many.

I heard from God again and know what He wants from me. A simple life lived extraordinarily. A smile 😊 a good deed or many.

Never recognized for any of it.

Lately I am happy to report that I have been there for my 3 children and it is the most important thing ever.

Delusional thoughts pervade my mind but the proof isn’t there and I fail so much it is hard to believe really.

Pax

Victoria

I will always be disordered…

I call it a disorder rather than an illness but when I am sick too it makes it really hard!

I’m glad I’m not suicidal anymore albeit passively. I wonder for the future and other stressors that may cause a relapse but I must trust in God with all my heart ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Just be held…

Dear readers,

When life doesn’t go as planned I sometimes lay on my comfy bed and just sing this song by I believe Casting Crowns.  It also sings, “you’re world’s not falling apart it’s falling into place, just be held”.

Life has been very difficult lately but today was a reminder to me again that one minute it may seem dark and stormy but then the light and life comes back into play and I am ok again.

Today was physically and mentally exhausting.  But I am actually at the library on a retreat with Edith Stein a Catholic saint, through her writings.  I feel blessed to be alive and love that I know what I need although today I did not take care of myself very well.

I spent the day with my daughter and it didn’t go as planned but we always love being together and today there was tears and laughs, but more tears than laughs.

I am currently obsessed with Christmas.  I need it to come soon this year and celebrate things like tomorrow we are all celebrating my oldest son’s birthday at our fave pizza place.  With lemon bars, grandma and auntie, in laws and my core family, husband, daughter, sons and daughter in law.  It will be fun and light and filling at the same time.

Pax

Victoria

A timeless blog…

Not sure if this blog will repost so here goes

I blog on my phone now so can’t see everything like on a computer.

I’m doing much better these days and today was an awesome day! Got in my exercise, ate healthy with a couple of treats and saw my dad! Also listened to my child’s love life and connected with someone so special. She just glows while she listens to you. Her son has schizophrenia so she understands better than most! We set intentions for my mom, drank kombucha, sang the to the eagles and hugged the way one ought! Love to Annette!

Here’s to another good day tomorrow and for us all to feel the love of God ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Anxiety is real…

For anyone who has experienced a state of extreme anxiety there are no need to explain but for those who have not….

Its crippling and very difficult!

Last week was one big anxiety attack caused by situational stress. But this week is better already. The tide has turned and I’m hoping for a smooth season.

I’m actually starting to get ready for Christmas!

It makes me happy so I am doing it today!

Self care is huge and the way I get through life is doing what works for me! Hot baths and lavender are common as well as my pups, coffee and music and can’t forget prayer!

What are some ways you deal with your anxiety? And if you don’t suffer from anxiety what questions do you have?

Wishing you all an anxiety free week!

Pax

Victoria

The ups and downs of having a mental disorder…

Dear readers,

Well life lately has been interesting, suicidal one day and week, passive though but didn’t see myself being alive nor wanting to be.

But God got me through it through my mom having a stroke and needing me to be there for her.  My dad had a stroke three years ago and is still alive although paralyzed and cognitively impaired at times but other times is still with it.

He gives me much comfort all the time since I was a baby, through childhood and much of my adult life and even now in his diminished capacity.

It shook me out of my “funk” and today I want to live.

I have rededicated my life to Jesus and am looking forward to things coming u p.

On a separate note, heard from God last week, just a feeling, and it was due to a trigger friend who I don’t talk to anymore because when we do strange things happen.  We both hear from God and it is very confusing and strange.

All I can say is that when God wants something or somebody He gets it.  I feel like I am having a cynical outlook.  I love God and trust in all His love, grace and mercy but I don’t understand His will for me and many.

I am glad I am not God that is for sure.

Join me in praying this month for all the souls in purgatory, may they rest in peace amen!

Pax

Victoria

The answer is Jesus…

Dear readers,

Much has occurred lately and haven’t been doing very well lately. Only a few maybe 2 people are aware of my recent demise which has included suicidal thoughts, much distress and the invariable torment one suffers with schizophrenia.

But I have found much comfort in Jesus and am looking to Him for answers. I trust in God who made heaven and earth to assist me in this life.

Heard from God the other day and it is real important to say that when He wants something He will have His way.

I’m not crazy here well maybe a lot but I know one thing- He loves me and everyone ! I may not have all the answers but I will trust in Jesus with all that I am.

Thank you for reading. God bless you all!

Pax

Victoria