My road is not yours…

My path or journey to wellness is individualized; as is yours…

What it may take to get there is dependent on ones’ willingness to do the work, however hard it may be.

I am not speaking of external things; no, I speak of that which lies inside our hearts down to our souls, which is then manifested into our external being. An example would be my garden; it’s thriving and I can’t wait to get out there today! My house is tidy too and most importantly my relationships are solid… these are all manifestations of the peace I have inside at having done the work necessary to heal. yes, heal in many ways…

It’s a fight, and I am no longer timid about how I proceed. I am obsessed with being the best version of myself, but I take breaks and that is what gets me along…

I still have my moments though of uncertainty during the day. If I remember, I pray an Our Father for God’s will at my next task. I am always directed pretty much immediately and free choice lies at the center of all my choices. God is not a slave master, He watches us flail around a bit at times but He is always with us and helps us up when we fall.

God is my all!

pax

Victoria

May series cont…Music~

Music has always been a part of my life…

It speaks to my soul at times and other times it is just a distraction…

Music used strategically can be a great motivator.  Listen to a favorite relaxing or jamming song after you accomplish a task, new or one you have been putting  off.  And then walk or dance or just sit in a comfortable chair or lay on your bed and listen away…

It also is fun when others enjoy your music with you.  I love listening to Simple Man with my husband as it is his favorite and I enjoy it more because of that… or listening to Jason Mraz, I won’t give up or Sarah Bareilles, She used to be mine or 1000 things.

I love almost all music from gospel with Elvis Presley to Heavy Metal Metallica or Pearl Jam.  The only music I don’t have a taste for is jazz but I appreciate people who are into it, and country on a limited basis of a handful of artist,  Keith Urban or Shania Twain.  Can’t forget Johnny Cash, Elton John and George Michael.

The last talented artist I will address is Justin Bieber.  I am a huge fan of this artist because of his dedication to others who suffer like him, giving them hope when he himself has seen the darkness depression enslaves…  giving away so much through his music, documentaries and interviews.  Thank you to all!

Pax

Victoria

 

Welcome and happy Sunday…

Welcome to my new followers~

How I appreciate you all~

There is a method to my madness~

Not as mad as I once was 2006-2008.  Hearing voices, hallucinating, buzzing and messages I had to write down and give to various priests and people.  No one was safe except for a few.  The devil even attacked me and my daughter one night.  God was at the center of all my delusions.

But once I started the antipsychotic drugs everything pretty much stopped.  I went on to earn my Master’s Degree in psychology and worked in the field 2011-2015 until stress caused a relapse of symptoms.  I took a Sociology Teaching job at our local community college and loved it and my students appreciated my teaching until a fight erupted in the classroom and stress again took me out.

I am now on permanent disability and I enjoy writing, gardening, doing yoga, meditating, walking, cooking, cleaning, tidying, and spending time with family and my pups.

I have written a May series on the mentioned activities above but have taken a little break.  Not sure anyone liked the cleaning one haha.  That’s ok.  It’s just where I am at.

Today is Sunday so taking a rest day.  Just some light yoga later and some cooking…

Hope you all have a great day and week ahead!

Pax

Victoria

May series cont..cleaning dare I write?

Well, it is the middle of May and this series is coming along with today’s topic being cleaning.  I cleaned today for two hours and even though I am tired feel so nice and relaxed in my nice and clean home!  Did some yoga and pet the doggie and now I write when the house is nice and quiet with my candle burning to give me inspiration.  I am calm tonight.  This is my routine lately, which I enjoy.

I know I have been writing a lot in this May series about my coping techniques to get me thought this quarantine but it is not always easy.  I have my days still; although they are getting farther apart happy to say. And I have found that by writing about them I think more about what they mean to me and have been doing them more so that I practice what I preach.

I use rewards a lot to get me to the next task and it is working so going to keep it up.  A nice cup of coffee or some relaxing tea.  Just some ice water can be a reward.  A nap.  Time to relax in the garden.  Relaxing music or heavy metal which I have on now- Enter Sandman by Metallica ha ha I still like to rock to some of the finest music ever made.  Off to never never land, boom!  The idea is to withhold the treasured reward until you are done with the task at hand and take breaks if needed.  Or just push through like my adult daughter does.  She is sick this week so the cleaning fell on me, which I don’t mind.

I don’t per say enjoy cleaning, but love the results so that is a motivator.  I always have my music on with my earbuds and the music guides my rhythm of working.

Today I took my time with each task and deep cleaned several areas which had gone untouched for a while.  I won’t bore you with details but the area behind the stove is cleaner than ever now!

When I am dusting I meditate on many things.  What a mundane but needed task!  I think about how my chores are a sacrifice for God and hope that by my good work will realize heaven one day.  Of course I believe in His grace and mercy but I also know that I must do my part while on earth.

Of course challenges will arise, but they are like solving puzzles and can be interesting and fun. One thing  I have been doing really well with staying at home and cooking more is not wasting much food and getting creative with what I have on hand to fix up my garden and home.

I still go to the store but just a small one where they wear masks and I of course wear one too.  I also use Amazon quite a bit…

Back to cleaning, if you do nothing start with setting your timer for ten minutes and find something small to clean, a drawer, a small area, doesn’t matter but surely you can at least organize something.  It will feel satisfying probably and if you are in the mood you can keep going with it or do something else.

If you regularly clean then do extra.  Deep cleaning needs to be done from time to time and you will burn calories and get a good work out.

Well that is my blog for the day.  Seems kind of boring but besides being necessary, especially now, it is something anyone can do and it will take your mind off your problems for ten minutes if you focus on the task and like I said I use music if that suits you.

Pax

Victoria

May Series cont… The Art of Meditation~

I would like to get to the place where I did everything in a meditative state.  Do things mindfully, enjoy them, relax into them.  Even the hard parts of the day when something goes wrong, to just notice it allowing the distraction, and come back to center of my mind, which is clear now and without delusions for the most part.  I have always had the tendency to be grandiose with my ideas so it is hard to separate the delusions with excitement of life, and then meditating upon the excitement the day has unfolded.

I am getting used to not going anywhere.  Staying at home.  Meditating more and allowing it more into my day.  I have many rituals, tendency towards OCD is a part of my diagnosis.  It’s hard to relax your mind when so much is turning around up there.  But I use cbd oil and other products to enhance my meditation practice.

Meditation is not just zoning out although that is sometimes where my mind goes.

I really need to get better at it but find it hard when I am obsessed with my music or other thoughts.

But I have been taught not to worry when that happens but to just go with it.  Eventually you can relax your thoughts enough that nothing disturbs you.

Here’s my definition of what meditation is…

Meditation is the relaxing of your mind to try to induce a peaceful state.

I get there quite often when I least expect it.

I find peace and quiet to be my choice drug when my life seems out of control…

It is hard to stop and smell the roses all the time so I try to meditate with music to help relax my thoughts.  If an intruding thought of some misdeed of my past enters my mind I crush it out with memories of good times replacing the bad.

I also use lavender through the form of incense and oil and also natural mood relaxers as mentioned above).

I sometimes sit for hours in my blue chair in my green meditation room.

Sometimes I think about God and my love for Him.  Sometimes I think of nothing.  Sometimes I think of my loved ones especially my grandma who died many years ago.  Honoring our ancestors can also be a form of meditation.

Sometimes I just don’t feel like it though and that is ok too.  Going with the natural flow of the day is what works best for me.

Pax

Victoria

 

A Satisfying day in the garden…

I had a huge success today for somebody with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder!

I worked for two hours in my garden, which is huge because I usually only work out there for a half an hour max but today with breaks I spent at least two hours.

Feels good.  But the sad part is that the more you do the more you realize you will never be done.

Yet I get a giddy feeling in my belly when I know I am going out there for the first time of the day.  My dogs lead the way.  They know!

The theme for today’s blog is overcoming obstacles, often with the help of my soulmate, my hubbie of 28 years…

Gardening is a lot like life, just when you think you have it figured out something goes right or wrong.  Never a dull moment.  And like life so rewarding at just a little or a lot (like today) of progress.  Anyone who is interested can read my list below my signature of all I did today with minor comments.

Also did yoga and walking today along with my spiritual practice.  Caught the sunset as usual.  Not happening naturally like it was before I blogged that I have been catching it.

We are not promised another day in this life.  Impermanence is another theme of this blog.  All I see right now in my garden is life and weeds.  Weeds are like the problems we have in our every day life.  We have to tackle them or they get out of control.

Daily check in~  How are we doing?

I am good, activity always puts me in good spirits.

How are you? On top of our brain health hopefully, physical, spiritual, acting as if everything is normal, etc…

Driving  two hours tomorrow to pick up my meds that would cost over a thousand dollars because my insurance sucks!!!  Now that we are at stage two in lifting regulations for businesses, the reps are once again bringing samples.  My saving grace.  Thank you Jesus!

And then picking up dinner at either Mexican or steak cuisine.  My husband is treating because I have been spoiling him.  I love to.  He is my love, my friend, my comfort, my annoyance lol, my helper, etc…

No such thing as perfect in any marriage but we have gone through so much and now are at such a good place that it just feels divine.  Thank you to St. Joseph!

Anyways, off to write some more on meditation for the May series.  Anything done with purpose can be meditative!  Even writing.

Pax

Victoria [The joy of gardening…today’s tasks]

The Inspector is my dear daughter who is my usual helper in the garden, who is sick today with tonsillitis, could only come out to inspect and give me guidance.

  • Threw away the debris, crab grass, rocks in trash
  • leveled the ground for our new sitting area in the side garden
  • Inspector gives approval and makes suggestions which I do and receive the green light to proceed
  • lay down weed block with the staples my husband separated for me obstacle number one- found the right pliers
  • obstacle number two- ran out of weed block.  Time to improvise, success
  • added small decorative bark to front area.                      It looks so nice! Outdoor chairs, umbrella (my mother’s day gift from my kids), and a kiddie pool to soak our feet in on hot days.  I am predicting that 2020 will be a nice weather year if nothing else…
  • obstacle number three ran out of bark, , solution pick up more tomorrow at Whispering Tree (isn’t that a lovely name for a nursery where I wear a mask and so do they and no lines but great plants and materials plus tools!)
  • watered and gave Vitamin B for new orange tree dedicated to the honor of Larry Byl who passed away last week, my best friend’s husband.
  • Watered new succulent hanging plant garden my Mother’s Day gift to Mary Queen of Heaven, all the saints and angels.
  • Threw out rocks/concrete around African tree
  • Threw out pile of branches and leaves that my hubbie trimmed many weeks ago.  But he raked them up and I collected them in a trash bag and took them to the trash.
  • Took many breaks in between to meditate, relax and do light yoga and eat healthy.
  • Took a moment to grieve the loss of Larry RIP
  • Blogged
  • good night

 

 

With a mother’s heart…

I wish all of you a Happy Mother’s Day!  All woman need to be celebrated today I believe…

Jason Mraz has a new song called Wise Woman which is here just in time for Mother’s Day.  Beautiful rhythm and melody and the words capture many woman in my life.  For we are not mothers because we give birth to a child, no we are mothers when we care for another needs; albeit a pet, spouse or anyone in our life that we may touch.

I have 3 mothers. I am very blessed.  I have my mother in heaven, Mary, who helps me at every turn.  I have my adoptive mother who means the world to me because she chose me and loves me so.  And I have my birth mom, who is amazing and I wish I could get to be in her life more but alas it is not to be.

And I am a mother of 4 (3 still living) and was very blessed by them all weekend.

More gardening tomorrow.

God bless you all!  Especially moms who either have schizophrenia or are moms of children who have schizophrenia.

Pax

Victoria