My friend is known by many names, ice cream Anne, gardening Anne, cigarette Anne, good friend, always ready to defend the defenseless, always ready to fight the good fight, even now as her body fails, she holds on, fiesty, until the very end.
I made a deal with God that I don’t want to be there without her and I know He will honor my childish demand. I don’t believe all go to heaven or purgatory, we will be surprised the bible says by who is in hell…. That is all I will say about that.
Today I lost my car in a large parking lot. I wanted to cry. I honestly didn’t know what to do and thought about asking for help, or calling my dear daughter. I was suffering from anxiety already today due to Anne’s demise into unconsciousness, but she is with her mom and dear friends so I just could pray. Also another dear friend suffered a stroke this week- God gives us so many people to love and to be loved by. I love you Julia, more than can ever be known for that is what love is, exponential and God multiplies that love even more so!
So there I was lost in the parking lot, and by the time I found it I was so perplexed and also oh yeah I have been delusional again:( believing that every little thing that happened to me was God directing me! Frigging don’t know reality and quite frankly quite exhausted doing God’s bidding, helping my frail mother, visiting my paralyzed father, visiting my spiritual sister with the stroke, my daughter getting very ill recently and having to rush her to ER, my dog getting a fox tail up her nose and needing emergency care…. I am ok now that this week is over but boy oh boy was I struggling this week with what I thought God wanted me to do and reality..
And all this while I am going to AA meetings, trying to stay sober one day at a time and trying to stay sane despite my good intentions for Anne today. Even now as I type out this blog to the universe am I feeling led and guided by my higher power which I choose to call God the Father who made heaven and earth. God of love, and purpose and undying affection on the cross. May I die there too, in all my frailties, and uncertainties with what is really real and not.
So there I was freaking out in my car, called my pdoc who had left for the three day weekend but the office reached out to him and he said I could take more Ativan which was why I was at the store and had just popped a pill I normally take later in the day. It did help and so did talking to my amazing therapist- Pam. Another person God has put in my life who is so frigging supportive to all and when it is my time to receive her attentions I am most grateful.
Can anyone relate, will I ever find that magical cocktail that used to work for me?
Clozapine has not worked out as I had hoped but going to try Vraylor next. Going to do some research on it tonight and see what the side effects are.
On a exciting note, my daughter is going to help me promote my book, Loving God, Suffering and being in His will for all. She is trying to gain experience as a copy editor so is going to help me out because I don’t know what to say. I mean I did the hard work and wrote the book but as to promoting it, honesty can’t somebody else??? Yes, this is an attempt at being funny…. ha ha please at least smile:)
It came out in January and I am not sure of the sales yet but watch for that promotion in the next few days or week.
Thank you to all my followers, new and old.
I am forever in your holy debt for the support, comments, prayers and all that goes with trying to post more and show support freely as has been done for me.