Feeling unlovable due to my Schizophrenia…

Dear readers on this journey with me,

I share my pain, joy and support on here to help me to lighten the load and it works sometimes.  My mantra since receiving the diagnosis Schizoaffective Disorder is, “Never give up”, I’ll repeat it “Never give up”.

This week I really felt like giving up.  A close family member was diagnosed with cancer and already started chemotherapy this week.  I am deeply affected by this devastating news.  But I won’t give up.

I fear one day I will need more help and I hate to need it.  I hate it.  I sit by and watch my parents decline in their health and need so much care.  They are both bedridden, my dad for 4 years and my mom for a month now.  She is suing the hospital so we shall see how that goes.

But I don’t want to wallow in my sadness for her or my family member with cancer.  Because life goes on…

So I shall try to be brave for myself most importantly and for all my loved ones including the people I encounter throughout my days.  I have thought about volunteering but I have enough on my plate to  with my parents.

Some days are just so hard.  Hard to get something out of my purse or like today, the plumber came and unclogged our sink so I have a lot of cleaning to do, but for now I am just going to write a while.

So back to my topic, feeling unlovable…

I know in my heart people love me and I love them but sometimes the stress is so much when my routine is broken that I often feel like why would anyone love me?  I can’t work, can’t get to the gardens, can’t do a full day of activity but I must not focus on the can’t’s.  Rather I choose to focus on what matters most, relationships.

Because I can’t work, I am often at home and I am here for my husband and adult children some of which still live at home.  I am here for them when they want to share their day.  I am here for them when they want to hang out and I am here for them because I love them with all my heart.

I choose to love even though my self esteem is so low at times that I don’t feel like I deserve their love and affection.

God is number one in life, then my family a close second.  I choose God..  I choose life… I choose love.

All the rest doesn’t really matter in the end.

With much regard,

pax

Victoria

 

Opinions welcome…

Dear readers,

I hope and pray this blog finds you well.  I am asking for input on a situation that I encountered.  I went to see a master addictions life coach to help me with my addiction to nicotine among other addictions.

In the middle of the appointment she shared with me that she vapes nicotine too and that she isn’t ready to quit.

I was taken aback.  I finished the appointment and agreed to the 95$ fee but upon obsessing with it all night I really feel like I shouldn’t have to pay her that much.  I did call her and let her know I wouldn’t be requiring her services and I shared why but really wonder if I should have to pay the full amount if anything at all.

I drove thirty minutes to see a master’s addiction life coach who is not in control of her own addiction.  I feel she is misrepresenting herself and would really like to know what anyone thinks.  Just pay it and move on or request at least a reduced fee.

Opinions welcome.

Thanks,

pax

Victoria

Trying to look on the bright side of very difficult times…

Dear readers,

The pain is real- yet I thank God that I can feel pain…

My OCD is kicking in on very sad news- yet I look up to heaven for help from above… and try to obsess over positive things instead of all that might not even happen…

Relationships come first to me.  Often it is true that on a day when my dying parents are having a good day, I’m better too.

I try to be at peace no matter what life throws at me, but it is hard and this morning is really hard.

The answer of course is in the Divine, which I call Jesus, but often He is quiet and as I look upon the cross I know that I share a fraction of the pain that He felt when He was at His saddest.

My hope and my help is in God, Almighty who carries me through the most trying times and right now is one of the hardest I have ever been in.

My days consist of visiting sick people, but I am sick too or rather disordered I prefer to call it.  But visiting sick people is what Jesus did so I like that my days are ordered so.

Putting on my makeup and doing my hair help, as does having a tidy house of which I have neither right now but hoping blogging will help.  Thank you Spirit voyager for encouraging me to write.  You message came at the perfect time and I see it as a sign from God.

I see many signs from God.  Last night I went to the ocean with my hubbie and just talked and mused about what the ocean meant to us.  It was different.  To me the ocean means that God is real because something had to make it.  So when I am hurting as I was last night, listening to the waves and experience the cold oceanic air calms me down and I take it home with me…

I remember when I did not believe in a Higher Power.  It was the saddest time in my life and I pray I didn’t convert anyone to not belive in God.

I have made many mistakes in my life and my judgement is not always sound. But I don’t feel like this blog is a mistake.

If I can help just one person it is worth it.

I want to give hope to those with Schizophrenia or any mental health problem.  That it is possible to recover from any disorder mental or physical.  There will be days when life is falling apart and days when one has it all together or at least it will appear so.

But right now the suffering is so real and I fear the stress may cause a relapse of the positive symptoms.  So I will do what I need to do to avaoid that from happening.  take care of me, eat healthy, get my rest, drink copious amounts of coffee and put my makeup on .  Exercise helps too as does my supplements.

Sadly I will need to take my antipsychotics and antidepressants the rest of my life I know but without out them I am suicdal so it is much better to suffer through many side effects.  They keep me sane and my wonderful psychiatrist and therapist also help me to do well too.

I will list my supplements in another blog but cbd oil by Go terpy is the main addition that has kept me from the need to write.

Leaving you with the hope of Christ,

As ever Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

Am I succeeding or failing???

Dear readers,

I am in a cross in the roads right now.  Life has been crazy and I have been swept up in the busyness of keeping up with my house and soon the gardens,

I haven’t been writing much at all.  I just don’t feel like it.

Life is hard; Life is easy when I accept all that happens to me and just keep on keeping on.

An old friend reached out to me the other day and I was surprised to hear from wags and his questions to me and the answers I haven’t provided yet have caused me to think.

I don’t work, permanent disability, I don’t write, books didn”t sell.  What do I do with my time?  I visit my frail parents at extended care and visit with my friends I have made there.

I clean my house because I feel better with a tidy house.  But today is Sunday so I am taking a break from the house to write.  I don’t feel like I am a very good writer though.  It is so hard to express what I feel and I have a great idea sometimes and getting it out on paper is like tweaking, unpredictable.

So I will try if you have made it this far to get my thoughts out here.

I am in love with God although I don’t go to Mass anymore or receive the sacraments.  Just where I am and don’t feel bad.

I don’t work but keeping up with my frail parents is a part time job and I enjoy it although today I took the day off from visiting them.  I really needed a break and my sister is picking up the slack and telling me to go have fun.

I take supplements for energy, and relaxation sometimes bouncing between the two.

Relaxing is hard these days and to be completelty honest I enjoy keeping up the house so the relaxation is harder for me but today I am just resting.

Delusions are pretty much gone.  All that remains is the negative symptoms.  I take CBD oil go terpy and it helps immensely with all the stress.

Finances are bleak right now…. that is all I will say about that.

I received two jury summons in the same week.  Federal and local.  I had to get a note from my doctor to excuse me and in the comments I had to write that I am not one who should be making judgements, sound.  That was hard because I wonder sometimes how I m going to get through each day being led by God in a usual way not super connected right now but still praying and coming closer to God in a less extreme way.

WEll I did it, got some thoughts out here where I remain anonymous.  Hiding behind my pseudo name.  Now time to take more supplements and yes I am going to tidy my house.

Hope you all are doing ok.  I am just ok and that has to be enough.

Pax

Victoria

Happy 2020!!!

A new day tomorrow, new month, new year, new decade. My thoughts are good lately. Feeling positive about a new slate. Staying up late to bring in the new year…

Been very productive lately thanks to many things. God is so good and if you don’t believe in God I will believe for you, kind of like because He is so real. My faith is a gift 💝 May you realize this gift of Jesus Christ our creator. That Almighty the Divine.

Pax

Victoria

Addiction is real….

Dear readers,

Ok so I’m lost again in the world of addiction.

Coffee, cigarettes and other vices.

Some help but seriously the cigarettes have to go.

Cut back on coffee today and yesterday and still had energy amazingly. I drank tea much of the day.

And I tried something new today. I smoked some hemp flower. It was very relaxing! Going to get some more and try to replace the cigarettes with hemp flower. It has trace amounts of thc and doesn’t get you high just very relaxed for the hour.

I’m doing well other than figuring out my addictions. I’m also addicted to good things like music, lavender, healthy eating with weight watchers and decorating for Christmas 🎄.

No voices from heaven! Just sometimes gentle guidance from above. Prayer is a huge part of my day. Can’t ever possibly pray too much!

My days are spent managing the finances which I suck at and managing the house. Visiting my pa and getting exercise in.

It’s a pretty bleak life at times but sometimes it’s really good, other times I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Thanks for reading. Going to try to blog more but it’s the same old…

Having a mental disorder can suck the life out of you!!! Glad there’s medicine that helps.

Pax

Victoria