Navigating murky waters…

Good evening all! or good morning or afternoon!

We are 93 million miles from the sun! Wow! Just in case one didn’t know.

I tried to do something diet wise without checking with my pdoc. It wasn’t wise. I tried to do a fruit and veggie cleanse but by today the second day I found myself not doing well with my psych meds on just those. So I stopped…

I do not consider this a failure except that I should have checked with him. But there was all this encouragement so I did and it was fun for one day. Lesson learned. I am learning to love me even when I mess up.

My theme for August is patience which is a virtue I am getting better at but have a long way to go. I realized tonight that I need to practice it with myself first…

I have a mental health disorder that needs to be babied at times. That is the truth. I say weird things sometimes and am totally uncomfortable in many social settings but do better one on one. I am learning things about myself just when I thought I was done learning.

I am starting to study again. Right now current studies are alchemy, empath energy and anything fitness. The home gym is coming along nicely and have used it for a week and a day! When I have a gym membership I have great intentions when I sign up but never end up using it. Now I have a free gym in my backyard my kids put together in an old shed and I love being out there especially when it is sunny.

Also been gardening quite a bit which is huge progress thanks to my supplements. Got my son to start taking it as he suffers from lack of motivation and can’t see I notice a difference. I felt it right away I think. Poor memory still at times…meds side effects stink.

Lastly, wanted to touch on a topic Fractured Faith recently blogged about. Recovery from anything really and in my case is recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. To recover means to return to normal. This is impossible to me, please share in the comments if you feel differently. I love to hear others stories! I will never be the same as I was before I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 at age 36. 50 now and doing the best minus today than ever.

Thank you for reading.

Be with God,

pax

Victoria

Still looking up…

“We give and we give and we give but we don’t give up” Jason Mraz

I’m glad to be alive he sings and I agree.

After a very hard week last week, I am still sifting through my emotions and happenings and today I bought a small bouquet of flowers 💐 for me! It cheered me up.

I have also met my goal of getting more fit! Day one complete! Gardened, cooked and housework too! Coffee and vitamin b keep me going and my shaklee!

My life is so different now!

I am a giver though so it is hard right now to not visit my dad at his rest home. But setting up a FaceTime call with him thanks to the help of the chaplain 🙏

So back to my original thoughts on looking up. Where else can I look?

To the heavens!

I hope you are all well and doing ok during this pandemic. Welcome China! And all countries!

May the best of your days be the worst of your tomorrow’s- Jason again ha ha! It is a Jason night!

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Solutions for negative symptoms of schizophrenia…

Tonight I updated my sticky page of my blog talking about the negative symptoms of schizophrenia if anyone is interested click here.

Today was another great day. Yesterday was not. Feeling a little lost due to my recent departure from the Catholic church. But God is good! and today I restarted my spiritual practice to set an intention before or after an activity for a person or the country or the world. It is my prayerful way that I am now. and i find myself content…

Sold my first shaklee today, woo hoo. I just want other people to feel as good as I do. She didn’t suffer from schizophrenia though and the negative symptoms but had a stroke a couple of years ago and suffers from mental decline and memory loss. I truly hope it helps her…

Anyway it is late and as always contact me with any questions/comments at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

We are brave…

Say what you want to say fellow bloggers! We are brave because we keep going day after day and mental health disorders suck! and then some of us blog about it, which is helpful for readers and bloggers, at least I am inspired when I blog and read others blogs, with the sweat and tears at times!

We are all at a different place with our disorders, and some of us are loved ones of someone with a disorder, or just interested in the functioning of the brain.

We are all brave, each day we wake up, take our meds or not, and keep going, despite what life throws at us. If you are reading this you are one of these brave ones. And if you know someone who is not online that has a mental disorder, tell them. You are brave.

Life has so many unanswered questions~ Jason Mraz

says along with that life is weird, he says it twice and it is true.

My mantra used to be “Never give up” and I still think it but I am at the point where I am so full of love and hope and joy, although not every day is great like today, that I have changed my mantra to “I am brave” and if you really want to be inspired listen to Sarah Bareilles belt out the words that help me keep going…

“I want to see you, I just want to see you, I want to see you be brave”

~Everybody’s been there, been stared down by the enemy

which for me is brain dysfunction. I have had my days where I felt like I was losing….

but then I reached out to someone who cared for me and helped me get the help I needed.

Now I have a team of support, God (He’s the best) who gave me the best daughter one could ask for, a husband who cares for me deeply despite his misconceptions with mental disorders, wonderful imperfect parents who gave me life, two awesome sons and a daughter in law and one best friend among many friends, well does four count? A therapist I get to see for free because my dad is on long term hospice, my psychiatrist I have had since being diagnosed (2008), and a brain that still works with defects at times. Wow! I am blessed and don’t deserve such a good life, but I’ll take it and count my blessings, while being brave because I need them all in my life, until they go away, and then I adapt and move on.

Life is much more simple these days. Been getting rid of a lot of things but there is always more…

I also need to be alone a lot every day, anyone else?

Hope you had a good restful Sunday!

Pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms solutions…

Dear readers,

Welcome to my blog (first published in 2013) which journals my road to almost complete recovery from schizophrenia since diagnosed in 2008. For my brief bio click here.

This month I want to talk about what is least understood by many, the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia, which can cause poor quality of life in many. Loss of motivation, previous things that gave pleasure don’t please, lack of focus and attention to detail and there’s more but these are the main ones that have affected me. For a great article on negative symptoms click here.

Since my bio was written though I have had another breakthrough with new supplements I have been taking for over 6 months and have seen amazing results! See my story below especially if you suffer from low motivation, energy and focus. For proof of how far I have come taking it check out my May series 2020!

Now to my new transformation story~

I have suffered from lack of motivation, energy and the ability to do more than just sit in my chair and do nothing ever since I stopped working in 2015 due to stress which has caused me to relapse before. 3 hospitalizations since 2006 isn’t too bad I think anyway.

Don’t have positive symptoms like delusions or voices anymore and I know that is because of my psych meds which I take along with supplements now and together they help me to be recovered as much as one can be from schizophrenia.

I was barely able to get the basics done. I have always found comfort in having a tidy and clean house; but my daughter used to clean the house for me up till recently. I just didn’t do it or if I did it was quick and without attention to detail. 

And the gardens, I would get them going for a while then let it go due to lack of energy and motivation.  Life sucked. 

I felt really bad about not getting anything done all day especially since I don’t work anymore due to my disability and how my husband would complain.  I would rotate from being on my phone in my meditation room, to the kitchen table where I sit now on my laptop and if I blogged I felt like I had had a productive day.  Gardens lay in disarray and I accepted the fact I thought that I would never do more than this the rest of my life…

Well, now the good part!  I started a new supplement regimen last year, adding Vitamin B-12 sublingual for energy ($4 at walmart), which my daughter now takes too and we both have noticed our energy levels increased since starting it. 

I also take Goterpy CBD oil full spectrum, which has helped with the delusions and stress.  It has also helped me to quit one of my vices… 

And then in Feb of this year 2020, I started taking and now selling Shaklee Mental Acuity Plus for memory and focus and motivation.  It started helping me right away be in charge of my life once again. 

If you are interested in taking this product consider buying it from me. I will help you out personally and I’m thinking about starting a facebook group for new users to journal about their transformation too, specifically persons with schizophrenia. Anyway email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will send you the link to my website and to the product that I am so wishing I had taken sooner.

To read more about how it has affected me during this pandemic continue below if you’re still with me.

Then the pandemic hit whoa!!! And I was forced to be at home all day and thanks to my regimen I found myself thriving at last despite the world’s current chaos.  My house is cleaner and tidier than ever, my gardens are expanding nicely and my focus, memory and attention to detail are sharper each day. I do take a good lay down nap every day and rest on Sundays.

I am content at last although the work never ends in the garden or home because it is like life- it never stops changing, shifting, growing, dying, giving beauty and food for the family!  I still sit in my chair but only in the mornings and evenings now.  I pay more attention to detail of inner work (spiritual) and external (house and gardens, bills etc.…).  I cook dinner mostly every night where before it was occasional and I do the dishes before bed every night.  Life is good so I have to share.

I believe the combination of these three supplements are what are contributing to my well-being.  I don’t blog as much anymore because I am too busy with all my projects to sit and write.  I do keep a journal though so I am still writing, just not for the world as much anymore.

A portion of all my profits will be donated to my favorite non-profit CureSZ.  And I will gladly support you along the way via email or phone! I want to really help others feel as great as I do.

Email me with any comments or questions you may have about any of these products at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Am I losing heart?…

Not yet and hoping this continues, productive days coupled with relaxation and finally giving my pups more attention.

It’s so strange but simple things that others find easy used to be extremely difficult for me up till this pandemic. Now that I don’t go anywhere I am actually focusing where God has me, on my family, pups, home and gardens. It feels so good.

I also take time for reflection and this blog allows me to look upon my progress with all I do each day and feel good and accomplished. I’m speaking of external, interior and eternal things…

Prayer is at the center though of all I do. Today I dedicated a little dance in the kitchen for a friend who had a hard day.

I think of God often. He always thinks of me. I try to wake up each day in prayer but some days I am more attentive than others. He knows my heart and the medicine makes it hard for me to wake up in the mornings but today I tried something new that got me busy in the am. I shall share~

I wanted to be with my friend who lost her husband this Friday and actually go somewhere serene and beautiful, we chose Morro Bay in California. But I knew the only way I could go would be to work extra hard today and so I did. I usually don’t get productive until 5pm but today I started at ten! Lots of breaks to attend to my needs but worked all day and that is a first in a long while.

I am also attending to detail much better and I believe that is because of the Mental Clarity from Shaklee that I am taking. I am more focused, have a better memory and need my vices less.

I still need help though; yesterday with my therapist’s help, I was able to make a decision about where to plant some pretty flowers I bought several weeks ago. This decision was very hard as I wasn’t sure I was ready to take care of another section of my land. I do well for a while then I fall back into a rut and lose heart and motivation.

I chose the planter out on my back porch and left room in the middle to plant a geranium that I propogated (to make a plant from an established plant) that my dad told me how to do. It isn’t ready for transplant just yet but in a few weeks it will move over there and I have another way to remember my dad.

He is still alive believe it or not and the grief therapy that I receive every week for free because he is on hospice has provided much comfort and ideas how to navigate these hard times. I have acceptance for God’s will and every time I get to talk to him I am grateful for more moments with him.

I am very blessed in many ways. I choose to no longer suffer but rather embrace my disorder as a small part of me and even though I may have another mental break again, I am happy I have not had a hospitalization since 2018. But I am also not trying to work for money so hopefully never again I will be in that state. God’s will.

Enough rambling for tonight.

Godspeed

pax

Victoria

A hard day but still looking up…

Off today after a busy week. Trying to be gentle with myself and I know how to do that, eat right, drink enough water, take lots of down time and never give up.

It has been a while since I felt so discombabulated and I will mark it in my planner, but despite feeling this way still did what feels good, tidied the house, cleaned the kitchen floor and went out in my garden to say hi to my plants, just kidding, I don’t really talk to them yet!

Taking care of me is number one, I am no good at all to anyone if I don’t listen to my body and brain and just take it easy. I find it hard to just relax and veg out and do nothing though hence this blog.

Sorry about my ramblings but it is good for me to share that I am not always ok too. I still have a brain disorder which sometimes takes a break and seriously I hate my televideo calls. In person with my psychiatrist is so much better really. But it is what it is, so must try to connect with him more. Our last appointment was maybe 7 minutes…

Does anyone else feel this way?

Just wondering…

So instead of focusing on all that I am not doing today I am going to relish in a week well done, birthday for daughter done, really spoiled her this year for many reasons and it was fun but now that it is over I find mysefl without purpose once again. I stayed up last night talking to God about my need for a new passion. Gardening will always be there and i enjoy it very much but I feel like I need a new obsession.

One thing I am going to do is clean up this blog…no major changes but unhappy with parts of it.

Anyway, just decided to go visit a friend tonight if it works out. Should be fun.

Hope you all are doing great!

Pax

Victoria

One more thought on race…

In regards to my last post I just want to clarify with my statement being color blind.

Using the phrase color blind may not accurately describe how I FEEL.  I do see color because I do acknowledge people are of different colors and I embrace them for their differences and similarities.   So while I may not see color, I see culture and I love it!  I accept all people and hope they accept me. I treat all people the same no matter what!

This is the time to educate ourselves which is what me and my family are trying to do and I invite you all to do the same. 

God bless!

Pax

Victoria

My road is not yours…

My path or journey to wellness is individualized; as is yours…

What it may take to get there is dependent on ones’ willingness to do the work, however hard it may be.

I am not speaking of external things; no, I speak of that which lies inside our hearts down to our souls, which is then manifested into our external being. An example would be my garden; it’s thriving and I can’t wait to get out there today! My house is tidy too and most importantly my relationships are solid… these are all manifestations of the peace I have inside at having done the work necessary to heal. yes, heal in many ways…

It’s a fight, and I am no longer timid about how I proceed. I am obsessed with being the best version of myself, but I take breaks and that is what gets me along…

I still have my moments though of uncertainty during the day. If I remember, I pray an Our Father for God’s will at my next task. I am always directed pretty much immediately and free choice lies at the center of all my choices. God is not a slave master, He watches us flail around a bit at times but He is always with us and helps us up when we fall.

God is my all!

pax

Victoria

May series cont…Music~

Music has always been a part of my life…

It speaks to my soul at times and other times it is just a distraction…

Music used strategically can be a great motivator.  Listen to a favorite relaxing or jamming song after you accomplish a task, new or one you have been putting  off.  And then walk or dance or just sit in a comfortable chair or lay on your bed and listen away…

It also is fun when others enjoy your music with you.  I love listening to Simple Man with my husband as it is his favorite and I enjoy it more because of that… or listening to Jason Mraz, I won’t give up or Sarah Bareilles, She used to be mine or 1000 things.

I love almost all music from gospel with Elvis Presley to Heavy Metal Metallica or Pearl Jam.  The only music I don’t have a taste for is jazz but I appreciate people who are into it, and country on a limited basis of a handful of artist,  Keith Urban or Shania Twain.  Can’t forget Johnny Cash, Elton John and George Michael.

The last talented artist I will address is Justin Bieber.  I am a huge fan of this artist because of his dedication to others who suffer like him, giving them hope when he himself has seen the darkness depression enslaves…  giving away so much through his music, documentaries and interviews.  Thank you to all!

Pax

Victoria