Toxic friendships oh my!

Dear readers,

Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity.  It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.

Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….

But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now.  I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.

I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks.  I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed.  I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…

Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend.  God bless you!

I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”.  Amen




Re-entering the workforce slowly

Hello readers!

Before I blog about my new exciting part-time job I want to share with you that I will be updating and improving my blog coming shortly with the help of another person who also suffers from schizoaffective disorder!  He is a software developer and is going to help me with this website and another one where I will be selling my goat’s milk soap and other creations (misters, roll-ons, alcohol free hand sanitizer).  So excited.  Up till now this has been a pleasurable hobby but I am going to take it to the next level and go for it now that I am feeling so much better on my new and old medicine regimen.

So I decided to apply at our local community college as a sociology 101 instructor and it ends up I know the woman who does the hiring through the community and she hired me on the spot.  She knows of some of my difficulties but not all.  But I feel ready for the challenge and that class was actually one of my favorites when I was working on my under graduate degree.

So stay tuned and send me an email anytime or comment and I have now set up my phone to receive my comments so I will be responding quicker, so sorry for delayed responses lately but ahh life is so full these days!








Success at last!!!

Dear readers, I hope this blog finds you well!

I am now back on my original medication Risperdal with Latuda and have changed my anti-anxiety med and am doing positively great!

I am sleeping 7-8 hours (opposed to 12 or 13)

I am getting up every day and doing the things I have wanted to do but haven’t done for a year.  I mean I had to try Clozapine because others have had such great success with it but for me my cocktail combination is working so I am not going to deviate probably ever again.  Just for an example today I woke up at 6:30 made lunch for hubbie and me and my dear daughter who are going to the airport because she is going to Colorado to visit (like it much better with her here and her just visiting us every 6 months!), brushed the dogs, gardened, laundry, blogging, cleaned both bathrooms and more!

I used to take so long to wake up and would just sit and surf the web for literally hours but now once again there just isn’t enough time in the day to do all the things I want to do.

In fact I am so passionate about life that I have decided to apply for a teaching position at the local community college as a Sociology 101 professor!  I feel like I will be able to work and am so excited to get all the paperwork in!

Life is good and my hubbie has noticed too.  The house is much cleaner and tidier, cooking at home pretty much every day and I am going to the gym 5 or 6 days a week.  I spoiled myself with the upgraded membership to get the hydromassage every time I go.  I am taking such good care of myself.  I also have hope that I will shed the weight I gained these past few months!

So there, finally a good update!

Email or comment any questions.  I am once again back on the circuit and will be blogging more hopefully as the urge arises!



Dedication today for Anne

Dear readers,

I hope todays’s post finds you all well for I am not well which I offer up my cowardice and pain for a dear friend who passed last week.  Words cannot describe this excellent human being who I pray is now in heaven gardening with the angels!

She was fiesty but used it to help others.

She was good and always treated others with respect if it was due.

I find it very hard to put into words why I was so impressed with this rare specimen who no longer is here in her earthly body but oh how I miss her so!

I dedicate today’s post to Anne, a dear soul who fought with God and I am sure she won.

I will now share my cowardice and suffering as of recent and I offer it up for her soul which may still be in purgatory and is in need of my prayers and offerings of my current suffering coming off of Clozapine.

I am currently taking 25 mg every other night and it was the second night that I went without.  The first night I couldn’t sleep at all and the second night was the same.  I perspired in every crevice and itched so terribly I just wanted to be dead rather than spend another minute in bed with sleep at an arm length’s away…

For some Clozapine is a cure.  But God has other plans for this person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  It caused pain in all my joints especially my hands upon wakening were like stretching out a roll of toothpaste that is long past it’s due.

These are called extrapyrmadial symptoms of which I suffered much.  It also caused heavy sedation.  After taking my prescribed dosage, I would pass into sleepy land quickly and sleep 11 to 12 hours every night.  I was on this medicine since October last year trying to see if I would adjust  because I so wanted to be cured.

But it was not so so here I sit early in the am, with another sleepless night under my belt, my eyes aching, my side throbbing, hot and cold in the same minute.  Oh I do not want to complain to my God.  So I will stop now and ask him for His will be done in all areas of my life.

Today will be a chill day, getting ready some flowers for Anne’s memorial tomorrow which she did not want…  But the best of us do not desire that I have found.  I do need to go to the pharmacy though to fill a prescription for some more Latuda.  I am on the max psychotic dosage 160 and don’t have enough for tomorrow.  I don’t like to drive when I haven’t slept and oh yeah the extreme anxiety that hits when it may also causes me much suffering which I also lift up for Anne…

Have a good day readers, I shall try to make the most of it….

As usual Pax


Featured Schizophrenia charity

Dear readers, I have not done well on Clozapine and am slowly weaning off of it which has proven to be the hardest thing I have done yet since being diagnosed.  It causes extreme anxiety and agitation and last night I was up the whole night unable to sleep because it was the first time I didn’t take my little quarter pill lol.

But behind every cloud there is a silver lining and this cloud has brought me to my favorite person lately and her charity. CureSZ is an awesome non profit which works hard to research and help find a cure for Schizophrenia.  I won’t ask for money for myself even though I have been turned down again for disability.  Money is more than tight but I trust God will provide.  But I will ask for money for great organizations such as CureSZ.  Please if you donate to help find cures for mental disorders such as Schizophrenia, consider donating to them and do what I plan to do and that is set up a monthly amount to make it easy and make a difference in an outstanding organization.  Please see the link below to start making a difference.

Thank you ahead for anything you can do to support CureSZ!  I plan to give ten dollars a week which isn’t much but anything you can do will make a difference.

I always plan to blog more and that is my desire but have not been on line much these days.  I will provide updates to my new medication Vraylar which I started on last night.

For those of you who follow me thank you for your likes and messages.  All of them are appreciated and my heart thanks you all!



Dedication to a dear friend about to pass!

My friend is known by many names, ice cream Anne, gardening Anne, cigarette Anne, good friend, always ready to defend the defenseless, always ready to fight the good fight, even now as her body fails, she holds on, fiesty, until the very end.

I made a deal with God that I don’t want to be there without her and I know He will honor my childish demand.  I don’t believe all go to heaven or purgatory, we will be surprised the bible says by who is in hell…. That is all I will say about that.

Today I lost my car in a large parking lot.  I wanted to cry.  I honestly didn’t know what to do and thought about asking for help, or calling my dear daughter.   I was suffering from anxiety already today due to Anne’s demise into unconsciousness, but she is with her mom and dear friends so I just could pray.  Also another dear friend suffered a stroke this week- God gives us so many people to love and to be loved by.  I love you Julia, more than can ever be known for that is what love is, exponential and God multiplies that love even more so!

So there I was lost in the parking lot, and by the time I found it I was so perplexed and also oh yeah I have been delusional again:( believing that every little thing that happened to me was God directing me!  Frigging don’t know reality and quite frankly quite exhausted doing God’s bidding, helping my frail mother, visiting my paralyzed father, visiting my spiritual sister with the stroke, my daughter getting very ill recently and having to rush her to ER, my dog getting a fox tail up her nose and needing emergency care…. I am ok now that this week is over but boy oh boy was I struggling this week with what I thought God wanted me to do and reality..

And all this while I am going to AA meetings, trying to stay sober one day at a time and trying to stay sane despite my good intentions for Anne today.  Even now as I type out this blog to the universe am I feeling led and guided by my higher power which I choose to call God the Father who made heaven and earth.  God of love, and purpose and undying affection on the cross.  May I die there too, in all my frailties, and uncertainties with what is really real and not.

So there I was freaking out in my car, called my pdoc who had left for the three day weekend but the office reached out to him and he said I could take more Ativan which was why I was at the store and had just popped a pill I normally take later in the day.  It did help and so did talking to my amazing therapist- Pam.  Another person God has put in my life who is so frigging supportive to all and when it is my time to receive her attentions I am most grateful.

Can anyone relate, will I ever find that magical cocktail that used to work for me?

Clozapine has not worked out as I had hoped but going to try Vraylor next.  Going to do some research on it tonight and see what the side effects are.

On a exciting note, my daughter is going to help me promote my book, Loving God, Suffering and being in His will for all.  She is trying to gain experience as a copy editor so is going to help me out because I don’t know what to say.  I mean I did the hard work and wrote the book but as to promoting it, honesty can’t somebody else??? Yes, this is an attempt at being funny…. ha ha please at least smile:)

It came out in January and I am not sure of the sales yet but watch for that promotion in the next few days or week.

Thank you to all my followers, new and old.

I am forever in your holy debt for the support, comments, prayers and all that goes with trying to post more and show support freely as has been done for me.