I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria