I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria