Featured Schizophrenia charity

Dear readers, I have not done well on Clozapine and am slowly weaning off of it which has proven to be the hardest thing I have done yet since being diagnosed.  It causes extreme anxiety and agitation and last night I was up the whole night unable to sleep because it was the first time I didn’t take my little quarter pill lol.

But behind every cloud there is a silver lining and this cloud has brought me to my favorite person lately and her charity. CureSZ is an awesome non profit which works hard to research and help find a cure for Schizophrenia.  I won’t ask for money for myself even though I have been turned down again for disability.  Money is more than tight but I trust God will provide.  But I will ask for money for great organizations such as CureSZ.  Please if you donate to help find cures for mental disorders such as Schizophrenia, consider donating to them and do what I plan to do and that is set up a monthly amount to make it easy and make a difference in an outstanding organization.  Please see the link below to start making a difference.

https://www.gofundme.com/c3hwh2-understanding-schizophrenia

Thank you ahead for anything you can do to support CureSZ!  I plan to give ten dollars a week which isn’t much but anything you can do will make a difference.

I always plan to blog more and that is my desire but have not been on line much these days.  I will provide updates to my new medication Vraylar which I started on last night.

For those of you who follow me thank you for your likes and messages.  All of them are appreciated and my heart thanks you all!

Pax

Victoria

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

hard to describe but I will do my best to put it into words…

Hello to all my readers new and old!

2 days now on the medicine Nivigil and 6 weeks on Clozapine which is amazing.  My pdoc prescribed me Nivigil to help with the tiredness caused by Clozapine.  It works amazingly!  For two days now I have had motivation to do things I have put off for some of it off for many years.

Every corner of my humble home is under scrutiny right now.  Just sayin…

I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone else, but the days of darkness are I feel behind me with this new medication regime.  My good friend Bethany Yeiser of CureSZ shared her experience with me of the benefits of Clozapine   And I took it to my pdoc right away almost and am just so grateful she shared with me.

So I want to share now with everyone who reads this who has still struggled with positive and negative symptoms of Schizophrenia or Schizoaffective Disorder.  You do not have to suffer needlessly.  Ask your psychiatrist about Clozapine.  I just wish I knew about it sooner but it is what it is and I am grateful now more than ever to have my life back.  It might help you too!

My whole outlook has changed.  I am enjoying life in a new way and am so grateful to even be alive.  This from someone who was suicidal just a few months ago, no plan mind you but the thoughts were there and now they are gone.  I am more social and am always trying to find ways to give back what was so freely given to me.  lol.  I am also wonderfully free of all delusions of grandeur!  How I love this because they were a great burden.

I would like to do another poll so please take a minute and chime in on Clozapine.

Thanks ahead if you answer the poll!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

If you would like to share your story or have any questions feel free to comment on this or email me at victoriaalonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

To the Universe, getting ready for my apt. tomorrow with Psychiatrist….

This is what I need to do for myself and if anyone else benefits then great…

Tomorrow I see my pdoc and hopefully he will be increasing my Clozapine.  I’m at a hundred right now but have been told that 400-450 is the therapeutic level.  I am still taking my Latuda but hopefully will be able to wean off of it and just be on the Clozapine.

So far the Clozapine has been great helping me to feel my feelings again which has been a bit uncomfortable but manageable.  I have had some of my most productive days on it than ever but still have some days where I am just well the best way to describe it is down.  I have had several lately in a row, with today finally coming out of it thankfully.

I am still having the side effect of tiredness and am sleeping 10-13 hours a day especially in the mornings I am like a zombie my husband has witnessed.  Am going to ask about a medicine to counteract this side effect.

What helps me most is my essential oils, lavender, peppermint, rose and jasmine.  And my music stays with me at every corner.  I’m good with a few close friends and most of all my dear daughter is there for me at every bend.  She is like my life line, and she calls me her angel but she is mine more than she knows.  Oh all my children bring me much joy!  Today someone asked me if I was a grandma.  Wow!  No, I answered not yet but I am hopeful….

My book will be out very soon, supposed to be arriving any day for my approval.  Will see if it can provide me some sort of income.  I have written many articles, a chapter in a book, a self published book and now a book that is being published and promoted with Covenant Books.  If this one does well I have another one ready to go too.  But it feels like a lifetime ago that I wrote it when in reality it was just a few months ago.

I am definitely not psychotic these days, very in touch with reality lately, my last delusion has faded greatly so that is a huge relief as it was a burden that I carry with only a few knowing these thoughts of grandeur.  Reality hurts.  I am human and I have a disorder.  What else can I say but that while my delusions were positive they carried with it a huge burden that I am just now as I type losing rapidly so happy to say.

But living in reality for the time being is great because although I make mistakes, some bigger than others, I know I am forgiven.  But it’s scary sometimes because I have very poor judgement at times….

God is good to me though and although I can’t see Him, I feel His presence with me at every waking moment and with each beat of my heart do I pray His will for me now and forever… amen.

Pax

Victoria

Clozapine is suppressing my appetite!

I’ve lost 5 pounds so far with 20 to go!

I am also off two medicines I have been taking for years~ Risperdal (an anti-psychotic) and Buspar (anti-anxiety).

I am still on Latuda (an antipsychotic) and attivan (anti-anxiety) for my mental health and synthroid for my thyroid.

I see my psychiatrist on the 19th of this month and will be pleased to give him a good report of the new medicine, Clozapine.

It still makes me tired a lot but I think and hope my body is adjusting to it.  I take naps but not today…

Today I  ran my household tight.  Shopped, cleaned, cooked and got it all tidy.  I’ve been doing much better lately with the household and I know that is another benefit of this med.  I am more motivated, creative, and in a better mood.

I also feel much stronger to work again.  I have applied at two places that I would use my degree for the job if I get hired, if I get an interview….

God’s will be done!

Pax

Victoria

Saw my psychiatrist today!

After giving him a very good report, he said, “ok, now we have to try it without your other medicines”.

I was sooooo happy to hear that the first one to eliminate was the Risperdal.  It did save my life back in 2008 but I want more out of life than just not hearing voices.  I want to live again and the past week I have really started living again.

More social, more well balanced, less vices,  a better feeling of well being.

The Risperdal has so many side effects I am really looking forward to tonight when I go to be and increase the Clozapine to 75 mg from 50 and not take the Risperdal.  Next will be the Latuda to go and then the anti-anxiety medications I now take.

I have had such high hopes for this medicine to be the answer to so many things.  I don’t even mind the weekly blood tests ha ha!

Thanksgiving starts tomorrow for our family, with a pre Thanksgiving dinner I make then to my sisters on Thursday for a larger gathering.

Sneak in  a few visits to my dad and it will be a perfect Thanksgiving except for my daughter being away.

Can’t have it all but what I do have is pretty awesome…

Pax

Victoria

Beyond the yellow brick road….

I so desperately want this medicine to work.  I find myself fantasizing that I am no longer ill, but stable and able to hold down a job even if it’s an easy one.  I dream of the day when this disorder no longer controls me.

 

So far the new medicine is helping with:

connecting to family God and friends more and feeling deep emotions

I am hungrier again (gotta watch that one, don’t want to regain all my weight)

no longer delusional, don’t believe I am the greatest person to ever live anymore.  What a relief!

using music as a major coping skill while I sift through the laziness or drowsiness caused by the new and old med

How I am still suffering

unmotivated at times to do the simplest of tasks

feeling overmedicated being on three antipsychotic meds

poor memory, and judgement

question every decision many times

 

May God bless you all as He has me!

Pax

Victoria