Tonight it finally happened, the deepest delusion fell away at some bizarre thought I had and it had to do with publishing my book.
This is tremendous news and I feel so happy about it! The weight of the world is off of my shoulders and I praise God for helping me to get to the bottom of this conundrum. It has been a mystery for so long, since 2006 so many nights ago…
Having SA is very hard. Even on medication the voices stop but the delusions remain although to a much lesser degree. I go about my days and constantly pray for God’s will for my life and naive as I am I expect God to guide me and some days it appears he does and others I feel without assistance. Are these my delusions to believe that God will make his will known to me still?
When I was actively psychotic I had a direct line to God or so I thought. He would give me messages mainly for people to change their lives and do the right thing and there were times when I was dead on as my spiritual advisor can attest to but there were other times when none of it came to be in fact things even turned out quite the opposite from what I thought was going to happen.
I sought help when my life became so dysfunctional that I was falling apart and was becoming unable to take care of daily tasks because I was receiving so many messages. Ah, the quiet that came after my admittance to the hospital was great although it still took a while for the messages to stop coming.
One dear priest who I sent many messages to even when I was at UCLA has since deceased and I believe he is in heaven now watching over me in the care of God. Dear Fr. Melito what do you say now? Were you right to ignore me this child of God or were you supposed to become my spiritual advisor the way God directed you through me? I will never know now that he is gone. May his soul rest in peace, Amen.
But back to the delusions going away. I guess they really haven’t but my life has become more manageable even boring to some extent. I fulfill my duties as wife, mother and daughter and friend to the best of my ability but somehow I still feel I am a part of a greater plan that only God knows which he will reveal to me if not now then when I die. So although some may classify me as still being delusional that I am very special, I can go about my life and find meaning in every day things like walking, gardening and reading and helping others.
I take my medication faithfully every day, the other day I think I missed my morning antipsychotic and I had a really bad day but I am not sure because I never miss a day and am not willing to stop taking it to find out if the messages will return.
Please take the poll below if you are so inclined. I have to say yes due to the aforementioned mentality that still is a part of who I am. I think many of us with this disorder do still suffer from delusions, for some reason the medicine stops the voices and hallucinations but the delusions seem to remain but to a lesser degree, no I take that back to a less interfering with daily life degree.