I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there! I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary. Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.
For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others. I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for. But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him. He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense. I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.
On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again. I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this. I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.
I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time. It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that. But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.
After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability. I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree. Perhaps I will do that. Who knows what the future holds. Not I, nor do I want to know the future.
Well that is all for now. It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.
Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it and to those of you who don’t Happy Thursday (I am stealing this from another blog I read today because I think it is cool!)
As of right now I have stopped searching for work, some financial help has arrived, so I am going to be dedicating 2 hours a day to finish my latest book. The title appropro is “Finding fulfillment not working”. I have already written several chapters so I am going to reread them and then go for it! I will let you all know my progress as it comes. I am excited to finish this book for many reasons.
Today I woke up in a really good mood and realized that I am the author of my life. God has my back but it is up to me to make the necessary changes to those parts of my life which are either out of balance or that I am unhappy with. No one is going to do this for me, no, I will repeat that- no one is going to do it for me. I have to make the change I wish to see in the world as Gandhi wrote so eloquently when he was alive!
I read that somewhere on line one day and the thought has really stuck with me. That is one reason why I usually say I have a disorder not that I am mentally ill. The brain misfires I understand and causes us to hear, see and believe strange things to be true. It is not a sickness like a cold. It is kind of like if we have a broken arm; our brains don’t work properly but with medicine they can.
So when people refer to people with Schizophrenia as schizo or schizophrenic I just cringe. I have Schizophrenia but am so much more. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a sister etc… To define me by my diagnosis is simply unfair. But life is not fair; life has taught me that. Some people will always judge us as incomplete or ill but I choose my words to describe my disorder carefully and share with a select few.
I choose as Mahatma Gandhi taught to: ‘Be the change that you wish to see in the world.’