Melt down, still recovering…

After my last post of how well I was doing I hit a wall…

Had to go to busy store to pick up my prescriptions and tried all day the day before to get them delivered but because one of them is a controlled substance they could not.  It was a lot of ups and downs and in the end I did go but got out as quick as I could.  Really freaked me out!

This is fricking nuts!  I am still recovering from my melt down.  Thought about drugs and booze but not about suicide.  No I want to live , I want to give hugs again and shake hands, without the fear…

Tried to quit vaping…didn’t go so well on a stressful day and there may be more to come…

Hope and pray for all of you and your families everywhere, Japan, China, India, Australia to name a few and of course the US.  God bless the world, God bless America!

pax

v

 

In social distancing mode…

Trying to be positive in these trying times.

But the depression and possibly psychosomatic symptoms creeping in.

Need to exercise and practice self care while the whole world is seemingly falling apart.

I see my psychiatrist this week which is great and until then I will try harder to take care of myself mentally and physically.

Sitting in my chair for hours is not healthy right now.

Here are my solid plans to get back on track.-

Stay off social media ✅ clean my kitchen, work out and get those natural endorphins going, stop stress eating and eat the fresh veggies in my fridge maybe some chicken kale 🥬 🍜 and do something fun like watch frozen 2 on Disney!

What are some ways you all are staying sane right now?

Pax

Victoria

Part 6 of my schizophrenia love journey…

The past is a big ball of confusion and the presence matches it closely.  I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder, with bipolar tendencies, ocd, anxiety and depression.

So what?  I can still do many things although working is not in the works for me.

I call this my Schizophrenia love journey because all along I have been obsessed with being the best person I can be and it isn’t always easy but I try to be cheerful and upbeat and choose people the same to be around.

When I was actively psychotic I would give messages to many people of many walks of life but once the medicine started working which was pretty much right away the messages ceased except when something really important was going to happen.

Some days I feel like I am going crazy, other times I am mellow and other times I am just putting on a good face and getting by.  But through it all I have the capacity to love others especially my friends and family and the occassional stranger, so in that I am very blessed.  I don’t give up on the hard days, actually the hard days force me to get into gear and do whatever task is set at my hands.

I am not psychotic currently just overwhelmed by life although I feel like I am doing really well.  When one is psychotic I feel like I have superpowers but today they sit quietly within me and I hope I don’t disturb them to awaken them.

I long for peace and more love in my life hopefully some grandchildren in the near future and make some more friends maybe is a goal I have.

We all have a story to tell and although I am in the middle of this series, I am wondering what my readers want to hear about.  More about the psychotic times, or about how I cope given this diagnosis of my disorder.  Or both?

Write to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any thoughts of what interests you.  I am happy to be blogging again anyway and getting some hits from around the world.

May the Peace of God be with you all!

pax

Victoria

Part 5 of my schizophrenia love journey…

3–5pm is my witching hour.  I am impulsive, anxious and often lonely.  The last few days I have been busy with family stuff and have been with someone at that time and I was fine.

My husband works long hours and I am alone much of the day and nothing is safe when the hour hits.

Tonight I am alone in my home back from the train ride and helping my son and daughter in law move and visiting with my daughter, brother and other son.

Such a strange day for many reasons.  I  am glad now to be alone with my music in the background.  I use music as therapy, that and my dogs.  I love them all!

I am turning this series into an ongoing conversation of me sharing my heart and soul with anyone who wants to read it.

When i hit 36 I was given the gift of Schizophrenia and my life has changed in so many ways, some good and some hard.  I will not say they are bad because I don’t know what is good for me, only God knows perfectly what is to become of me.

So the facade continues, how long can I keep it up we shall see but as of late been productive so I take that as a good sign that I am doing ok actually even though when the demons come it sometimes scares me.

I fear many things, some of it real and some of it imagined.  I am very sensitive to the mood of others and choose to surround myself with positive people.  Life can be very funny and I try to laugh every day.

God is the love of my life though.  I used to be atheist and am so glad now that God has revealed himself to me in so many beautiful ways that are only explainable  in heaven.

Pax

Victoria

 

 

Part 3 of my schizophrenia love journey…

So not feeling extra special when I look back at my life. Nothing heroic all very mundane but with a few moments of confusion and unexplainable happenings…

The year I received the gift of schizophrenia my world 🌎 lifted me so high on life receiving messages from above which still happens from time to time. And then the meds stopped the dialogue that was pretty constant and confusing.

But when God wants his will done in me who am I to refuse?

Today is the type of day when I will force myself to get sh$& done!

Just gonna do it because yesterday was a shitty day I don’t want to repeat!

I found out the other day I still have the gift of healing which I only use when God directs me…

So here I am still fighting each and every day I am alive. Today it’s in the garden I will work ☺️

Hoping all of you have a blessed day ❤️

Pax

Victoria

Part 2~interesting facts on my Schizophrenia love journey…

It’s all very odd but I guarantee you this is all true and all very odd.  I do believe we are all special on this journey but when things happen that one cannot explain it leads to further confusion and chaos in the mind.  So here is some more interesting and fun facts about my life…

  • born at 10:16 on 10/16 throughout the day it’s often common for me to look at the clock and catch this time.  oddly this blog I am writing started at 10:16 am
  • last 4 digits of my social security number is 7777
  • heard the words “You are special” when I crossed a bridge on a camping trip when I was 8
  • had much suffering in high school as I found my way into drugs and alcohol and was a pronounced Atheist at age 18
  • I’m from California but at age 18 I travelled solo to New York, New York to become a great actress which didn’t happen.  Ended up living on the streets, doing drugs and hanging out with other punk rockers until the death of a friend. Came home and went into rehab and found “God”
  • gave my life to Jesus
  • Met my husband two weeks later and began my life with him never far away.  he has not changed in all our marriage but we get along famously these days after 30 years of marriage.  I have changed
  • had 3 amazing children who are all grown now and I am proud of each and every one of them
  • at age 36 received the gift of Schizophrenia and I am aware of the exact moment and place where it occurred.
  • received the gift of tongues and healing somewhere in there

I am wondering though if through my mad existence if I had Schizophrenia all along my life.  Left out a bunch of stuff and after writing this part two feeling less special.

I also believe that each one of us is special and unique so that is good that I am not delusional about that.

These are just odd facts and I also believe that the devil has come into play somewhat throughout my life but that God has always had a plan for me.

things just work out no matter what

pax

victoria

Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria