I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…
I have applied for a job which I might get…
But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.
I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.
Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours. I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.
I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on. I also just bought a windchime for the front. Not windy right now though.
I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations. This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January. It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year. I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to. Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?
I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts. I enjoy giving. IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.
I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication. Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently. I have candles burning for different requests. One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones. To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!
I do not have much anxiety right now which is good. I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.
I have a certain sadness because of my dad. Hoping he makes it another Christmas…
The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…
A panic or sadness attack of some sort. I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well. I felt like I shouldn’t drive. It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail. I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade. So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass. I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.
I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well??? This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.
I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day. I do have lots of support. I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped. I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath. I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this. I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.
I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell. I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day. My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed. I guess I need it! Ha ha. If that was all that it was then that’s good news. I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way. I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!
Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.