I’m a work in progress…

Sorry, another Jason song running through my head…

But it’s true! We are all a work in progress, none of us are better or worse than another, except in the end we shall see what God says.

Been thinking a lot about heaven and hell lately….

I know I want to be with God and my grandma and the many loved ones who have gone before me. I believe in the Mercy loving of God though so hope that He remembers me when He comes into His kingdom!!!

Been talking to God a lot lately. But no worries He doesn’t talk back thank goodness. But there is one thing I feel He wants me to do but I can’t do it as it would put my relationship with someone I really care about in jeopardy and I don’t know how I would handle another loss of a friend.

I lost friends when I became Catholic and continue to as hard as that may sound in this day and age. So much judgement from well meaning people for the most part. But I don’t judge them for that, no not me. I know they are just doing what their religion tells them to do. What is even scarier is that some of them even quote the bible in their needed break up of the friendship. Well I can quote scripture too and seriously it stands on my side.

Enough on that!

Now down to the nitty gritty how the heck are we all doing?

New trick~ the body scan

coming soon!

I’m ok, lots of minor ailments and I cut my own hair last night and woops, had to go get it fixed today. Haven’t been to a salon since November! Weird the timing of things in this regard but that is a story for a never day. Too boring!

There are signs around us everywhere if we have eyes to see. Today my dear friend who lost her husband recently had to make a decision and I told her to pray an Our Father to help her know God’s will in this situation. And within minutes it was resolved.

I prayed it with her and do that throughout the day. So right now am going to go lay down and then play with my dogs. Will do body scan and get back to you on the details tomorrow.

pax

Victoria

Call it gumption he sings…

Jason Mraz has done it again for me with where I am at and where I want to be. He sings in his older song, Song for a Friend, about all the strengths we have inside, and the gumption we possess inside and also that only we know if we are trying. I listen to it every day. It motivates me. No one else can say if I am trying. Nobody but me and God truly know.

Prior to this pandemic I sat all day as I have shared. I barely got the dishes done every day and some days I took advantage of my adult daughter and would ask her to do them. That’s how bad it was. i didn’t cook dinner every night like I do now. I didn’t take care of myself to the best I am now, or the house or gardens.

It is amazing but this pandemic has forced me to get busy. I do not feel good about my days unless I am busy. But busy means lots of things these days I am finding. yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend who lost her husband recently and just sat with her in her grief. 6 hours of conversing, laughing, crying, singing and some energy work. I was exhausted!

The day before I spent the afternoon/evening at my son’s new home with his wife and our immediate family to celebrate my daughter’s upcoming birthday. So I was busy being with family. It was a Sunday anyway which means a rest day for me but it was so much fun and we were there 8 hours!

So busy also means getting the house in order most days, gardens some days and working on myself too. Been doing a lot of grief work with Dave Markowitz. Oh yes Jason I’ve got gumption.

His song I won’t give up spoke to me when I was passively suicidal and was just trying to look up to God in desperation. This song has been my main support song. I won’t give up ever I think now so don’t listen to it every day anymore but it’s there on days that may be less than perfect and it’s a good reminder of where I have been.

Jason Mraz isn’t the only music writer who writes about things that help but his meditative music is so relaxing and just has a great vibe to it that resonates with my soul. When I am having a hard day it is Jason music I go to.

Thank you Jason for listening to the Source of Life and bringing such wonderful music to the world in a time so desperately needed!

Today my daughter is picking up my medicine an hour away for me. Thank you to all caregivers who do things like this. So much appreciation today…

pax

Victoria

Send you my love…

Another Jason Mraz song lyric stuck in my head.

But I do send you all my love! Whatever your diagnosis, past, color etc…

We are all children of God! Every life is precious to God and me…

Welcome to my blog which dates back to 2013. Diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia and later fine tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder same year. Earned my Bachelors in Sociology in 2010 and Masters in Psychology 2012. Worked in the mental health field for four years until stress took me out and I have been on permament disability since 2015.

I wrote a May 2020 series on coping skills unlimited which is my greatest work to date as it has all come true.

I used to sit all day since going on disability. All day. But being self quarantined has caused me to do all the wonderful things I have dreamed of doing now that i have the time and energy. And then writing about it in May 2020 has helped exponentially.

I have had to take a break from blogging for a bit. May kind of wiped me out but feeling satisfied with what I got done. With all that has been going on in the world and my heart, I have been more pensive than usual…

Mental health or brain health as I prefer to call it a brain disorder, does not go away when things happen. It can exacerbate it or if one is in touch with triggers and patterns in our lives, we can battle it and win. And on the days that I think it is winning, I can look at my day and say to myself, “you did your best with what you had for the day”.

My energy level has gone back down this week despite my many protests. I need to be ok not doing much too! The reward system worked well today and I actually had energy to blog. My thoughts are all over tonight…

Julia~my dearest friend who lost her husband over a month ago. Been holding a lot of space for her since he passed. Thank you if you have any prayers for her as she is in need of a miracle. I got to hang out at her house the other night and after supper we planted some plants. It was a warm evening and it was a perfect night. I don’t believe in coincidences and I know God wanted me to be with her that night because my old Mercedes broke down right as I turned down her road. made it to her house on a hill and there I stayed all evening. I drove my car all day with no problems but being stranded there was so perfect!

Covid is still greatly affecting me. Been staying at home because of my high risk daughter, which really agrees with me (the staying at home). When I do go out depending on which essential trip I have to make I am often anxious and scared of people not wearing masks. So much has changed in my life because of Covid. Not ready to write about it at least not tonight.

Protests- wish my son could go. he wants to but is honoring his sister’s health and her being high risk. This movement, oh how I pray it changes lives. It already has but we need more so that George Floyd and many black people did not die in vain…

Been using my coping skills as I can but with low energy hard to do my faves, yoga, gardening and tidying, but been keeping up with the dishes (my nemesis) and the house and watering. Plus self care, pet care, bills, medical help (have 5 current afflictions), and journaling about my dad and reading more of Dave Markowitz’s books that have changed my life along with spiritual reading. Actually took a spiritual retreat Sunday all day which included Mass on line, full rosary and rest.

So I guess I am good…hope you all are too:)

pax

Victoria

p.s. tomorrow more on June 2020 caregivers month and will hopefully have my daughter as a guest blogger about her experience on how she has navigated as my main caregiver since age 14! So glad I don’t try to work anymore and that i am doing so well…

How are we doing?…

These are weird times and I wonder how my followers and new readers are doing.  I know not many will answer but I care so am asking.  And if you don’t know here is the checklist I use to check in with myself.

  • Am I keeping my appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, friends I check in with, touching in with family? Yes.
  • How is my anxiety?  Good.  What do I need right now?  A bath, incense, relaxing activities…Do I need to take a deep breath in and out a few times? yes.  Is my body tense in some areas? No. Do I need to stretch or do some yoga for a bit? yes but not going too because it’s too late.  Take my cbd oil? yes Drink a glass of water?  drinking one right now.  Wash my hands, again? no
  • Have I exercised or at least moved my body?  yes.
  • Have I gotten outside for some sunshine and fresh air? yes.
  • How are my delusions?  Today not so bad, not feeling very special which is great!
  • am I hearing voices or sounds?  nah, haven’t for many years except for the occasional humming in my ear.
  • Am I taking my medicine?  yes, just did, never miss a dose
  • have I gotten my favorite music in mainly Jason Mraz?  Yes and yes, found a new band, Music, travel, love.  Very relaxing…
  • Have I connected with God?  I ask this question last not least and my answer is yes but no messages, thank you God!

These are just some of my questions I ask myself.  So my answer about how I am doing is pretty good tonight.  Off to bed, meant to write about my crazy day but alas this came out instead.

God bless you all,

pax

Victoria

Love is the answer

In all things I do may love be at the forefront of all I do…

for the Divine

for my loved ones, especially my parents, husband and three children

I must love in deed and word

Ignoring my disorder as it causes me to go from project to project without thinking about God and all that is good.

I feed myself with spiritual readings on Eastern philosophies, Catholic teachings especially about Mary who was God’s greatest gift to this world.

Mothers are so special that even God wanted one and it is through her that we have our redemption.  She is perfect and from her I learn how to love.

What has precipitated this post is a situation that caused me much distress within my marriage.  But I asked Mary for guidance and she does not fail to go to the Father who art in heaven and present my needs.  Things are much better now that I was able to be honest with him about my needs.  The Divine is so good and wants good for us all through His love for Mankind and all that he hopes for us to realize in this lifetime!

Pax

Victoria

I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

Letter to long-time favorite musician…

Dear readers,

Today is going to be a different type of post as I feel led by God…

I am going to write a letter to Jason Mraz, an amazing sonwriter and artist among other things but most importantly my spiritual guide through his music, although he would never know and I did not know until a few minutes ago on his live Youtube video, see link at end of letter if interested in more about him (still trying to figure out how to post this, it should be there shortly).

I will start my letter with a Sanskrit mantra to greet him and make the request for permission to play his music on my podcasts, featuring I’m yours  for the Intro i won’t give up and Have it all for the closing.  I don’t want anything else from him except to never stop making music and a box of Avocados from Mraz farm lol seriously I want the avocados…

Om Namah Shivaya

(I honor the divinity which resides within me is it’s translation)

Jason,

Words cannot do justice what your music has meant to me since I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006.  I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and I guess He took me seriously because I was at Mass on Easter vigil that year when it came upon me.  Suddenly, fiercely and unceasingly.  I started receiving urgent messages from God and they haunted me even when I was sleeping.  I heard the voice of Jesus on one occasion and of Mary on another and that was the extent of my voices but constant thought insertion along with believing I was very special which is hard to talk about.

So where does your music come in?  I really don’t know exactly but I have to be hones that the first song I heard of yours, “Beautiful Mess” didn’t do anything for me.  My daughter who introduced me to it thought it was the greatest but I was like, nah not for me.

Fast-forward several years and after I felt suicidal, dark and despairing I heard the song, “I won’t give up”.  It became my mantra and is still special to me to this day because I haven’t given up.  Much suffering has been in my life due to my disability and there is a lot in between but right now I want to get to the good part.

I love to read and stumbled rather feel was led by God through auspicious events to purchase a book called Sadhana (Way to God) through spiritual exercises.  Well I am not one who always follows things in the order presented but for some reason I embarked upon the first exercise which was to sit, just sit in silence for ten minutes.  Well I wish I could say I did the ten but was distracted by my dogs who are my frequent company.  I did about 5, so half is good and during that silence all I could think or the idea that was presented to me was, “I want you to have it all.”  It was not your music although I have listened to that song since it first came out every day and it just came on on my Spotify which is very fitting don’t you think?

The Divine want us all to Have it all, not mini storage containers as things and fame and money are fleeting as I know you know…. but He wants us all to possess peace and joy and serenity and let me take a deep breath, been doing a lot this week especially during your movie I saw last night with 4 people in the theater but I sang and danced in my chair!  So I enjoyed every minute with my dear daughter who has been with me throughout my whole mental disorder journey to recovery which is now in full force.  I start teaching in two weeks a Sociology 101 class at our local community college.  How fun will that be to inspire young minds in the classroom again.  But I will spare all the details of my last half a year since February 2018 when I was suicidal and reached out for help to my daughter….So much good and hard times again through it all, ah but such is life no?  Ups and downs, joy and sadness ever fleeting.

I didn’t mention it but I published a book about a portion of my recovery from a mental disorder which took 8 years to write and was published in January 2018.

See schizophreniarecovery.us to learn more about my book which journals my recovery.

Profits of my book which will be the subject of some of my podcasts will go to CureSZ who is run by a friend of mine of whom I have become quite close.  Excitedly I will meet her in September in San Diego, first time face to face!  And your concert in September also.  Love watching you perform, not because of the music or songs, those are great too, but rather your enthusiasm and the God-given talent you possess in your face and expressions during the songs.  Sorry if that’s weird but positivity is contagious!

So I will close with this and await your answer to my request to play, excerpts of “i’m Yours”, “I won’t give up” and “Have it All” for all my podcasts.

Me in a nutshell- A Catholic Buddhist (is that possible) married woman (26 years since 1992), mother of three wonderful and amazing children of whom all love me very much and each support me in their own way), a teacher now after years being unable to work, and a person with Schizoaffective Disorder.  I list that last because I do not allow it to define me, after all I prayed for suffering and God does not disappoint!  Only after great pain can one know great joy and I am so very blessed these days but feel the urgency to get my book out there and so be it.  Amen!

Thank you if you actually read this, I await your answer and my box of avocados lol

Humbly,

Pax

Victoria

Which is just my pen name due to my husband’s request for my anonymity.  If you could please keep him in your thoughts for peace for all in this world.

Thank you Jason.  I truly have it all and need nothing more than your permission!

 

 

Stress brought on new relapse, going to start Clozapine Monday!

Hello to all!

Stress, as I have written about before, is my biggest enemy with this disorder.  This time it was helping a family member that caused me to relapse into a world of my own.  Oh I look fine on the outside except I am dressed very warm because I am need the warmth right now.

So I went to see my psychiatrist last week and I asked if we could try Clozapine.  He said, “oh the big gun”.  I never knew it was called that.  I wonder why he didn’t try it before after all here I am and I can’t even hold down a job.  But after all the rigmarole I understand now why he did not prescribe it sooner.

First you have to do bloodwork every week for a period and then biweekly and then I believe monthly.  They have to monitor my white blood count to make sure it doesn’t go too low.  So I did that the next day.  Then I go to the pharmacy and they didn’t have it in stock so they sent it to another pharmacy I have never dealt with and they shall be nameless but their service is less to be desired than my regular pharmacy Walmart.

So I am working with my pharmacy and they say I have to be in some registry for this special drug… I had to wait for my busy doctor to enroll me and by the time he did it was too late to get my medicine on Friday and they won’t update the registry until Monday so Monday it is.

I am staying close to home, trying to use my coping skills right now because I feel so unwell.  I have had to disclose my disorder to a few people since I had to stop helping this family member who needs a lot of help and attention.  I had to step back due to her negativity.

I am surrounding myself with positive people and vaping my cbd oil which has helped in the past and helped me to get these thoughts out on here in my safe blog.  I am listening to my fave music, Jason Mraz, who is so amazing.

My son and daughter have also been here with me every step, believing in me and supporting me.  My husband doesn’t get it but is being as understanding as he can be.

I haven’t visited my dad since Monday but may go tomorrow if I feel up to it.  I’m taking it easy right now, being very gentle with myself and trying to stay positive.  I have heard great things about this medicine so I have hope that next week may bring some needed relief.

Pax

Victoria