I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…
I have applied for a job which I might get…
But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.
I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.
Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours. I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.
I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on. I also just bought a windchime for the front. Not windy right now though.
I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations. This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January. It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year. I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to. Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?
I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts. I enjoy giving. IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.
I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication. Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently. I have candles burning for different requests. One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones. To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!
I do not have much anxiety right now which is good. I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.
I have a certain sadness because of my dad. Hoping he makes it another Christmas…
Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine. Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being. I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.
Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…
Closer to God than ever. I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning. Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.
I am willing to continue this new life. I have been connecting with family too which is awesome. Family is everything to me. My friends are right there too though. It is good to have both really.
Life is so wonderful! I feel more like my old self every day. Hate to go to bed lol.
I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there! I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary. Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.
For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others. I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for. But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him. He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense. I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.
On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again. I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this. I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.
I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time. It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that. But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.
After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability. I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree. Perhaps I will do that. Who knows what the future holds. Not I, nor do I want to know the future.
Well that is all for now. It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.