I won’t give up…

This song by Jason Mraz has kept me going through my suffering with schizoaffective disorder, I sometimes forget how far I have come in my journey of recovery and forget how much this song helped me.

“I won’t give up on us (me n the Divine) even if the sky’s get rough ”

I have been through so much as my previous first posts since 2013 and I started this blog which has helped me maybe more than it has helped others!

I appreciate every like and comment and emails alike! They are all special to me…

My webmaster has shown me how to link to previous blogs so will be working on that tomorrow.

Goodnight

As usual pax,

Victoria

I will be reentering the workforce!

So after a month of interviewing with this one mattress store, after my third interview, I got the call that I got the job!  I was ecstatic to say the least.  I start right away and it will be 40 hours a week.

So this means I am giving up on permanent disability for now and really trying to see if I can make it at a less stressful job.  I think it will be fine because I did work for several years at a stressful job and going to work everyday wasn’t the problem, it was the stressful clients.  This job will be much less stress and I should make some pretty good money.

We celebrated naturally last night and went to a steakhouse with my immediate family although my dear daughter wasn’t there nor my youngest son (sad face) but my eldest was there with his girlfriend and my husband so it was pretty cool.

The sad part is that I will not get to see my dad as much working full time but I know I will still go.  My visits with him have gotten shorter anyway because he really is not with it and he doesn’t talk at all except occasionally.  I am doing well with his eminent death.  From the stages of grief I think I am in the acceptance stage.  I love him dearly and don’t want him to die but I know it will happen sooner or later.  It is my mom I worry about more because she is so frail and not doing well but I will still help her out on my days off and be there for her as much as possible.

All in all it will be a good thing that I am working, for the money, for my sanity, to feel productive, to force myself to get out of my house….  My pdoc is ok with it so that is cool!

I still have some days when I don’t feel like I can handle life very well.  One day last week it was super hot and I had a major anxiety attack at Church.  But we left early and I went home and felt better.

Has the heat ever caused any of you to have an anxiety attack like that?

Well that is enough rambling about me.  Will keep you all posted on how work goes!  I start Saturday so that will be great and one word for you ladies!  I need work clothes so…

SHOPPING!!!! lol

Pax

Victoria

 

It’s a new beautiful day

Sometimes life just gets hard.  It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness.  I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder.  I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed.  It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.

I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.

The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things.  Negative people have a very small place in my life.  If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard.  I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck!  But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.

I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day.  It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),

the courage to change the things I can (me)

and the wisdom to know the difference”

Amen

Pax

Victoria

Hope has returned!

 

My last few posts have been rather depressing but I don’t dare apologize for there are times when we will feel bad and it is better to be honest about how one feels rather than to just lie and say I am ok.  I wasn’t ok and do still have days when I am not ok but I am getting through these hard times with a new hope that I believe is answered prayer.

Prayer is never wasted, no it shakes the heart of God I believe and shaking has occurred!

Despite the ups and downs with my dad’s condition I have been able to get off my duff and accomplish many things.  Not only that but I also feel I am doing much better now thanks to a few pro-active things I have done.  Mainly, I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and forgiven myself and others for many mistakes I and others have made.  This is freeing…

We are not human machines made perfect.  No, we mess up, don’t always say the right thing and often doubt our abilities.  And this is for everyone, not just those with a mental disorder like so many of us on here.  I have many friends I have met through my blog who suffer from this disorder or have loved ones afflicted and I cherish that moment when I check my email and I find an email from a friend I already had or when it is a new person either sharing their story or asking me to share mine through many different venues.

I have gotten really good feedback from others that I am making a difference so that is just super.  I have always thought, “if I can just help one person by sharing my story it is worth it”.  And I know I have helped at least one person so I will continue to blog and share my ups and downs on here and wherever else God leads me.

I have new hope that this world we live in will get better because of me and others like me who genuinely care about others.  Thank you for being a part of my recovery!

Pax

Victoria

We are not our diagnosis, no we are much more

I read that somewhere on line one day and the thought has really stuck with me.  That is one reason why I usually say I have a disorder not that I am mentally ill.  The brain misfires I understand and causes us to hear, see and believe strange things to be true.  It is not a sickness like a cold.  It is kind of like if we have a broken arm; our brains don’t work properly but with medicine they can.

So when people refer to people with Schizophrenia as schizo or schizophrenic I just cringe.  I have Schizophrenia but am so much more.  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a sister etc…  To define me by my diagnosis is simply unfair.  But life is not fair; life has taught me that.  Some people will always judge us as incomplete or ill but I choose my words to describe my disorder carefully and share with a select few.

I choose as Mahatma Gandhi taught to: ‘Be the change that you wish to see in the world.’

Pax

Victoria