New goals…

I want a change of pace in my life.

Now that I am no longer a couch or chair potato, I am looking inward and outward at my life and finally figuring out what I want to do with the next 50 years!

I am 50 now and feeling so much like my life is finally becoming what I have always wanted. I’m not talking about material things but along with the inward work I am trying harder to take care of the things that I have and because of covid I am becoming more resourceful.

First off I want to get fit, but first start with gaining stamina. My kids put together a home gym in an old shed so tomorrow I am putting my plan into action by doing a few circuits with the guidance of my very own personal trainer (daughter). I am really excited.

I get weak and dizzy at times and can’t work for long hours so it seems like something I must do. I want to be like Jack La-lane and be in good health till the day I die.

I will only do this if I start pretending I am training for a triathlon or something like that. It is the only way I will get to a better place really. I throw myself into whatever I am doing…always have, always will.

I do know a few things about myself but much is still a mystery. I don’t know how I got to this place but no matter it is where I am and I am growing stronger each day mentally which is pretty darn exciting.

My husband and I had a major tiff the other day and I was considering divorce. But he knew just what to say to get back in my heart. It brought up much self doubt….

I am a child of God keeps coming up for me. We all are.

Working on my negative self talk. Today my daughter told me a story about a friend of hers who would mess up and instead of calling herself dumb or stupid (like I did which brought up her telling her the story) she would say “I love me”. I don’t know if I can do that yet because I hate when I mess up. But it did teach me to be kinder to myself. A work in progress we all are.

I have decided to study alchemy, being an empath, and succulents. I love that there are three new things in my life that I am learning about. The number three is important to me because of the Trinity. Even though I am not Catholic I still believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I cannot deny this but do not judge other religions the way I used to.

These are my ramblings for the evening!

Have a great night, morning or afternoon!

This site has been visited lately by Canada, China, USA and I think I remember the Philippines. Yay! I love that other people in other parts of the world visit my blog!

Peace to all of you! Stay safe, stay strong and get help if you are in any distress.

You can always email me at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Lastly, anybody else checked out the schizophrenia forum? I found it recently and have found it to be quite interesting and very interactive in a non threatening way. You can check it out here

pax

Victoria

Solutions for negative symptoms of schizophrenia…

Tonight I updated my sticky page of my blog talking about the negative symptoms of schizophrenia if anyone is interested click here.

Today was another great day. Yesterday was not. Feeling a little lost due to my recent departure from the Catholic church. But God is good! and today I restarted my spiritual practice to set an intention before or after an activity for a person or the country or the world. It is my prayerful way that I am now. and i find myself content…

Sold my first shaklee today, woo hoo. I just want other people to feel as good as I do. She didn’t suffer from schizophrenia though and the negative symptoms but had a stroke a couple of years ago and suffers from mental decline and memory loss. I truly hope it helps her…

Anyway it is late and as always contact me with any questions/comments at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms solutions…

Dear readers,

Welcome to my blog (first published in 2013) which journals my road to almost complete recovery from schizophrenia since diagnosed in 2008. For my brief bio click here.

This month I want to talk about what is least understood by many, the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia, which can cause poor quality of life in many. Loss of motivation, previous things that gave pleasure don’t please, lack of focus and attention to detail and there’s more but these are the main ones that have affected me. For a great article on negative symptoms click here.

Since my bio was written though I have had another breakthrough with new supplements I have been taking for over 6 months and have seen amazing results! See my story below especially if you suffer from low motivation, energy and focus. For proof of how far I have come taking it check out my May series 2020!

Now to my new transformation story~

I have suffered from lack of motivation, energy and the ability to do more than just sit in my chair and do nothing ever since I stopped working in 2015 due to stress which has caused me to relapse before. 3 hospitalizations since 2006 isn’t too bad I think anyway.

Don’t have positive symptoms like delusions or voices anymore and I know that is because of my psych meds which I take along with supplements now and together they help me to be recovered as much as one can be from schizophrenia.

I was barely able to get the basics done. I have always found comfort in having a tidy and clean house; but my daughter used to clean the house for me up till recently. I just didn’t do it or if I did it was quick and without attention to detail. 

And the gardens, I would get them going for a while then let it go due to lack of energy and motivation.  Life sucked. 

I felt really bad about not getting anything done all day especially since I don’t work anymore due to my disability and how my husband would complain.  I would rotate from being on my phone in my meditation room, to the kitchen table where I sit now on my laptop and if I blogged I felt like I had had a productive day.  Gardens lay in disarray and I accepted the fact I thought that I would never do more than this the rest of my life…

Well, now the good part!  I started a new supplement regimen last year, adding Vitamin B-12 sublingual for energy ($4 at walmart), which my daughter now takes too and we both have noticed our energy levels increased since starting it. 

I also take Goterpy CBD oil full spectrum, which has helped with the delusions and stress.  It has also helped me to quit one of my vices… 

And then in Feb of this year 2020, I started taking and now selling Shaklee Mental Acuity Plus for memory and focus and motivation.  It started helping me right away be in charge of my life once again. 

If you are interested in taking this product consider buying it from me. I will help you out personally and I’m thinking about starting a facebook group for new users to journal about their transformation too, specifically persons with schizophrenia. Anyway email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will send you the link to my website and to the product that I am so wishing I had taken sooner.

To read more about how it has affected me during this pandemic continue below if you’re still with me.

Then the pandemic hit whoa!!! And I was forced to be at home all day and thanks to my regimen I found myself thriving at last despite the world’s current chaos.  My house is cleaner and tidier than ever, my gardens are expanding nicely and my focus, memory and attention to detail are sharper each day. I do take a good lay down nap every day and rest on Sundays.

I am content at last although the work never ends in the garden or home because it is like life- it never stops changing, shifting, growing, dying, giving beauty and food for the family!  I still sit in my chair but only in the mornings and evenings now.  I pay more attention to detail of inner work (spiritual) and external (house and gardens, bills etc.…).  I cook dinner mostly every night where before it was occasional and I do the dishes before bed every night.  Life is good so I have to share.

I believe the combination of these three supplements are what are contributing to my well-being.  I don’t blog as much anymore because I am too busy with all my projects to sit and write.  I do keep a journal though so I am still writing, just not for the world as much anymore.

A portion of all my profits will be donated to my favorite non-profit CureSZ.  And I will gladly support you along the way via email or phone! I want to really help others feel as great as I do.

Email me with any comments or questions you may have about any of these products at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Lack of motivation is my current main symptom

 

I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about what I want to talk to him about and after a conversation with one of my two sounding boards I have come to the conclusion that my main problem is that there are days when I am totally unmotivated to do even simple things like put something away or send a text.  This is one of the negative symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder which I have written about before at length (see June 2014 for more about the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia).

Other days I am unstoppable like today.  I deep cleaned part of my house and was very motivated to keep going until 6pm when my husband got home.  It’s weird because sometimes I am more motivated when my family is here with me especially if they are working on projects or other days like today I was motivated by myself with only my son stopping by on his way to work.  There is no rhyme or reason to my moods to get things done.  It is pretty awesome though that I exercise 6 out of 7 days a week very regularly, walking for many miles when the weather is nice or jumping on my mini trampoline or gardening when the mood strikes me which lately has been more often than not.

The one thing that my pdoc highly recommended with me being off work permanently is to keep my mind engaged and he suggested learning Spanish.  Well tomorrow I get to tell him that I am not only learning Spanish (I actually already know some) but that I am taking a gardening class which is mainly in Spanish.  The teacher is a white girl like me and it is pretty cool that she teaches the class to us in Spanish.  The class is predominately Hispanic so I get to hear her proper grammar and a lot of slang.  I’d say my pdoc will be pleased as I am learning a lot about gardening terms in Spanish.

The class itself is pretty interesting and I am applying the knowledge I am learning to my own personal gardens which are coming along.  I have weeded, put down weed block, compost and will add mulch around my plants as soon as I buy some which should be tomorrow hopefully.  It is a great hobby I highly recommend.  That and walking are my main sources of entertainment and my show I am obsessed with Person of Interest which I am watching for the second time but slower so it will last.

I spend most of my days alone with my dogs and a mix of going to either an AA meeting, a walk with a friend/dogs or to coffee with someone.  Of course I go to the store but some days like today I just stay home and work on the house.  It is amazing how much dirt one can find when one looks for it.  I also enjoy taking a drive along the coast with my husband or alone.  Nights are spent reading mainly and blogging or writing in my journal.

And yet I wonder if there is more to life than this?  I still wonder if I should work again but if I did it would be gardening or working at the library or something chill like that.

I am currently awaiting my hearing to get on permanent disability or rather should say I am waiting for them to schedule it which may take a year!  I have till August of this year till my state disability benefits run out so that gives me time to figure out what I need to do.  I am able to pay off my debt right now a little at a time and finally finished paying off the last hospital stay.  I think that is what I will tell the people at the hearing that I can’t work because I will just end up in the hospital again if I work as history has repeated.

I have been clean and sober for seventeen months which is how long it has been since my last hospital stay.  I still use nicotine regularly via lozenges which really helps with the stress, ha what stress?  Yes I am still stressed out even though I am not working just getting through each day but it is minimal compared to when I work.  Sometimes I stress about a difficult day meeting various social engagements which are rare because I choose it that way for the most part.  I have family over for dinner sometimes and enjoy that very much.

Well that is about all that is going on with me.  Feel free to write in anytime as I answer all my legit email at:. victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

 

 

Breakthroughs and finding purpose in life

Every now and then I have breakthrough and this weekend I had a few.  There are so many ups and downs with this complex disorder as I have written recently (check out recent blog below- this disease can be brutal a few weeks ago).  But there are some good moments too and when one of these occur it is worth noting.

Yesterday, I went to a funeral for one of my husband’s coworkers.  I did not know him well but my husband worked with him for many years.  I didn’t really want to go but knew it was important to support my husband of 24 years who has stood by me and my disorder although he doesn’t understand any of it, only that he will support me as best as he is able.  So yesterday was my turn to support him and I did.  Not only did I go dressed appropriately for a funeral but I made myself available to his needs.  Toward the end of the funeral he put his arm around me and pulled me close.  He was hurting and although he has rare displays of affection, I think he was overcome with emotion and reached out to me and I allowed it, leaning into his embrace and remained that way till the end of the service.

Often I lack the ability to experience emotions due to the negative symptoms of this disorder.  I wasn’t emotional yesterday but my husband was and I was there for him which is HUGE!  My daughter pointed out after I explained what had happened that I always provide comfort for him, always she repeated.  This observation put me on top of the world.  There is hope for me.

On another note, I have been very busy lately taking care of my parents.  This gives me great pleasure to be a blessing to them.  And the fact that they appreciate it wholeheartedly makes me even more happy.  I gave them so much grief as a teenager (a premonition of mental disorder to come perhaps) that I find myself these days really missing them the days they don’t require my help.  Today I took them to Church and they treated me to an amazing breakfast!  So even though I am not working now, I get to help them and my sixteen year old son and know that it would be much harder my days without such great purposes in my life.

We all need a reason to live.  And today I have several reasons, my husband, 3 children, my elderly parents and a few good friends.  I also have people who support me too when I am having a hard time and they know who they are!

Through these observations this weekend and past months, I find much hope and encouragement to fight those feelings of not wanting to be alive and that just feels right.  Write to me if you are having a hard time finding purpose in your life if you are open to sharing and are willing to look at difficulties in a new light.  Each time I conquer one of the many facets of this disorder I want to scream it from the rooftops, there is hope!

Pax

Victoria

victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com