Lack of motivation is my current main symptom

 

I see my pdoc tomorrow and am thinking about what I want to talk to him about and after a conversation with one of my two sounding boards I have come to the conclusion that my main problem is that there are days when I am totally unmotivated to do even simple things like put something away or send a text.  This is one of the negative symptoms of Schizoaffective Disorder which I have written about before at length (see June 2014 for more about the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia).

Other days I am unstoppable like today.  I deep cleaned part of my house and was very motivated to keep going until 6pm when my husband got home.  It’s weird because sometimes I am more motivated when my family is here with me especially if they are working on projects or other days like today I was motivated by myself with only my son stopping by on his way to work.  There is no rhyme or reason to my moods to get things done.  It is pretty awesome though that I exercise 6 out of 7 days a week very regularly, walking for many miles when the weather is nice or jumping on my mini trampoline or gardening when the mood strikes me which lately has been more often than not.

The one thing that my pdoc highly recommended with me being off work permanently is to keep my mind engaged and he suggested learning Spanish.  Well tomorrow I get to tell him that I am not only learning Spanish (I actually already know some) but that I am taking a gardening class which is mainly in Spanish.  The teacher is a white girl like me and it is pretty cool that she teaches the class to us in Spanish.  The class is predominately Hispanic so I get to hear her proper grammar and a lot of slang.  I’d say my pdoc will be pleased as I am learning a lot about gardening terms in Spanish.

The class itself is pretty interesting and I am applying the knowledge I am learning to my own personal gardens which are coming along.  I have weeded, put down weed block, compost and will add mulch around my plants as soon as I buy some which should be tomorrow hopefully.  It is a great hobby I highly recommend.  That and walking are my main sources of entertainment and my show I am obsessed with Person of Interest which I am watching for the second time but slower so it will last.

I spend most of my days alone with my dogs and a mix of going to either an AA meeting, a walk with a friend/dogs or to coffee with someone.  Of course I go to the store but some days like today I just stay home and work on the house.  It is amazing how much dirt one can find when one looks for it.  I also enjoy taking a drive along the coast with my husband or alone.  Nights are spent reading mainly and blogging or writing in my journal.

And yet I wonder if there is more to life than this?  I still wonder if I should work again but if I did it would be gardening or working at the library or something chill like that.

I am currently awaiting my hearing to get on permanent disability or rather should say I am waiting for them to schedule it which may take a year!  I have till August of this year till my state disability benefits run out so that gives me time to figure out what I need to do.  I am able to pay off my debt right now a little at a time and finally finished paying off the last hospital stay.  I think that is what I will tell the people at the hearing that I can’t work because I will just end up in the hospital again if I work as history has repeated.

I have been clean and sober for seventeen months which is how long it has been since my last hospital stay.  I still use nicotine regularly via lozenges which really helps with the stress, ha what stress?  Yes I am still stressed out even though I am not working just getting through each day but it is minimal compared to when I work.  Sometimes I stress about a difficult day meeting various social engagements which are rare because I choose it that way for the most part.  I have family over for dinner sometimes and enjoy that very much.

Well that is about all that is going on with me.  Feel free to write in anytime as I answer all my legit email at:. victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Pax

Victoria

 

 

Breakthroughs and finding purpose in life

Every now and then I have breakthrough and this weekend I had a few.  There are so many ups and downs with this complex disorder as I have written recently (check out recent blog below- this disease can be brutal a few weeks ago).  But there are some good moments too and when one of these occur it is worth noting.

Yesterday, I went to a funeral for one of my husband’s coworkers.  I did not know him well but my husband worked with him for many years.  I didn’t really want to go but knew it was important to support my husband of 24 years who has stood by me and my disorder although he doesn’t understand any of it, only that he will support me as best as he is able.  So yesterday was my turn to support him and I did.  Not only did I go dressed appropriately for a funeral but I made myself available to his needs.  Toward the end of the funeral he put his arm around me and pulled me close.  He was hurting and although he has rare displays of affection, I think he was overcome with emotion and reached out to me and I allowed it, leaning into his embrace and remained that way till the end of the service.

Often I lack the ability to experience emotions due to the negative symptoms of this disorder.  I wasn’t emotional yesterday but my husband was and I was there for him which is HUGE!  My daughter pointed out after I explained what had happened that I always provide comfort for him, always she repeated.  This observation put me on top of the world.  There is hope for me.

On another note, I have been very busy lately taking care of my parents.  This gives me great pleasure to be a blessing to them.  And the fact that they appreciate it wholeheartedly makes me even more happy.  I gave them so much grief as a teenager (a premonition of mental disorder to come perhaps) that I find myself these days really missing them the days they don’t require my help.  Today I took them to Church and they treated me to an amazing breakfast!  So even though I am not working now, I get to help them and my sixteen year old son and know that it would be much harder my days without such great purposes in my life.

We all need a reason to live.  And today I have several reasons, my husband, 3 children, my elderly parents and a few good friends.  I also have people who support me too when I am having a hard time and they know who they are!

Through these observations this weekend and past months, I find much hope and encouragement to fight those feelings of not wanting to be alive and that just feels right.  Write to me if you are having a hard time finding purpose in your life if you are open to sharing and are willing to look at difficulties in a new light.  Each time I conquer one of the many facets of this disorder I want to scream it from the rooftops, there is hope!

Pax

Victoria

victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com