My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria

 

 

 

Beyond the yellow brick road….

I so desperately want this medicine to work.  I find myself fantasizing that I am no longer ill, but stable and able to hold down a job even if it’s an easy one.  I dream of the day when this disorder no longer controls me.

 

So far the new medicine is helping with:

connecting to family God and friends more and feeling deep emotions

I am hungrier again (gotta watch that one, don’t want to regain all my weight)

no longer delusional, don’t believe I am the greatest person to ever live anymore.  What a relief!

using music as a major coping skill while I sift through the laziness or drowsiness caused by the new and old med

How I am still suffering

unmotivated at times to do the simplest of tasks

feeling overmedicated being on three antipsychotic meds

poor memory, and judgement

question every decision many times

 

May God bless you all as He has me!

Pax

Victoria

Essential oils brighten my day:)

I bought a pack of essential oils with lemon, rosemary, cedarwood, eucalyptus, orange, peppermint, lavender, stress relief and more…

I have been using them in various recipes that I got out of eat dirt by Dr. Josh Axe.  Today I made deodorant with coconut oil, baking soda and rosemary.  Put it in an old container and have cheap good smelling deodorant!

Tomorrow it is going to be my favorite activity with lavender.  I am making goat soap the easy way and even adding color and lavender dried flowers to them.

Today was a good day.  I painted my kitchen cabinets and the kitchen is so much brighter now!  Feels clean!  Scrubbed my countertops too and got rid of what I don’t use that was taking up space mainly cds.  I am obsessed with Jason MrAz house shows.

I am not always motivated to do jobs around the house or in the gardens so I take the motivation when it comes… and lately because of the CBD oil and other herbal remedies plus the essential oils my motivation level is quite high.

I even applied to two jobs this week that won’t affect my disability if I get it working retail at department stores.  Seems chill.  Not much pay but right now anything helps!

Today is Padre Pio Feast Day September 23 and he answered a novena prayer I was saying with my daughter in a big way!  God is so good!

My disorder is in check right now.  I still take my medicines twice a day faithfully and everything else I do on top of it is just supplementation not instead of.  I have resigned to the fact that I will be taking Risperdal and Latuda along with Lexapro and my anti-anxiety drugs every day for the rest of my life.

Finding creative ways to make life pleasureable is half the fun, the other half is living my life with a purpose!

Still waiting for several things to happen, my second book should be published 2018, and I will find out hopefully this month if I qualify for permanent disablility or not.

My mom is also having surgery for a knee replacement this next week so appreciate any prayers anyone can muster!

Life is good!  Doesn’t have to be a pity party even when I am unmotivated….

Pax

Victoria

 

C

Today was a good and bad day of sorts…

The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…

A panic or sadness attack of some sort.  I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well.  I felt like I shouldn’t drive.  It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail.  I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade.  So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass.  I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.

I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well???  This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.

I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day.  I do have lots of support.  I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped.  I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath.  I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this.  I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.

I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell.  I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day.  My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed.  I guess I need it!  Ha ha.  If that was all that it was then that’s good news.  I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way.  I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.

Pax

Victoria

i’MPOSSIBLE Project book pre-order available

I am proud to say I am a part of this book and after reading it can highly recommend it to anyone with a disorder, a loved one or anyone interested in mental health.  Josh Rivedal has done an excellent job putting this book together and his passion for finding people with compelling stories shines on every page.  See pre-order details below.

Changing Minds, Breaking Stigma, Achieving the Impossible

Volume 2 in The i’Mpossible Series

Overview

Storytelling is one of our oldest and greatest human achievements. Stories can enchant, empower, inspire, motivate, and even change the course of humankind. Volume 2 of the i’Mpossible Project–Changing Minds, Breaking Stigma, Achieving the Impossible, offers another 50 life-changing stories These are true tales from real people who have achieved incredible feats in the face of overwhelming odds, showing that impossible is just a state of mind—and that anything is possible. You’ll read about: an entrepreneur using his battle with alcohol abuse to empower others; an award winning high school student who battled bullying, self-harm, and an eating disorder to become her best self; and an actor who calls his depression “my frenemy Dewayne.” If you’re looking to turn “impossible” into “possible” in your world… you need to read this book!

to pre-order go to:  http://www.iampossibleproject.com/preorder/

Pax

Victoria

Exercise, my dear dad and art oh my!

Now that exercise has become a daily habit it seems like I am not even disordered anymore.  New muscles seem to pop up as I vary my workouts daily to keep my body guessing.  Today I went on a 4 mile uphill downhill hike.  My feet are very tired but I feel good from the hike and know I will sleep good tonight like usual.

Thank you to all of you who shared what exercises you are doing to stay mentally fit.  I just love life these days, with each new day presenting a new opportunity to feel great through exercise.  I joined two hiking clubs, one is silent meditation hiking and the other one is more social and fast paced.  I like the silent hikes better.  I believe talking is overrated.  I would much rather pray and observe nature in silence…. That being said I did receive a thought while on one of the silent meditation hikes in thinking a lot about my father and when he will die.  The thought was that death is not a separation…  This gives me hope that after he passes I will still feel connected to him although his body will no longer be present.  But for now he is still with us and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him.  Today as I was leaving he was making oogly faces when I told him I was going to bring him more ressus peanut butter cup ice cream.  He just loved it!  These small moments leave me so happy!

The next time I see my pdoc in April I am going to discuss with him how to check if I still need the anti-anxiety meds  and what is the best way to try going without, to taper down or just skip a dosage.  I always check with my pdoc before changing any medication.

Can’t remember if I shared on here about taking an art class working with pewter but my art class is fun too and is very social.  I am so picky when it comes to people but I really enjoy this small community of artists.  I have made one good friend within the group, which I find as I get older is more rare than common.  My “creation” piece is almost outlined and then I will start embossing certain areas.  I will post a pic of it when it is done.  I will still need to mount the pewter to wood and add finishing touches.  I don’t work on it every day but only when I am in the mood and then it is therapeutic.  If I work on it when I am not in the mood it feels forced and isn’t enjoyable but more of a chore.

As I continue to branch out and get involved in the community I have more hope.  I still may work again but that remains to be seen so I am not worried about it right now.  Still waiting on my permanent disability hearing.  It has been a year but my lawyers say it may take 18 months now:(

Pax

Victoria

 

had a relapse with alcohol…

So I don’t talk a lot about my struggles with alcohol but it seems I can only get about two years sober and then I relapse.  I had one glass of wine and began to obsess about being a normal drinker.  I am not a normal drinker, I have proven that for many years in and out of the program.  I had dreams of drinking a bottle of wine for new year’s eve and red wine ahhh red wine.  Makes me feel so fine.

I need to be checking on my mental health.  I have an appointment with my pdoc soon, I think next week so that is good.  My diet and exercise have been hit and miss, some days good some days lazy and eating because of the holidays.  I have a fridge full of food!

But the important thing is that I don’t drink no matter what!

Pax

Victoria