Navigating murky waters…

Good evening all! or good morning or afternoon!

We are 93 million miles from the sun! Wow! Just in case one didn’t know.

I tried to do something diet wise without checking with my pdoc. It wasn’t wise. I tried to do a fruit and veggie cleanse but by today the second day I found myself not doing well with my psych meds on just those. So I stopped…

I do not consider this a failure except that I should have checked with him. But there was all this encouragement so I did and it was fun for one day. Lesson learned. I am learning to love me even when I mess up.

My theme for August is patience which is a virtue I am getting better at but have a long way to go. I realized tonight that I need to practice it with myself first…

I have a mental health disorder that needs to be babied at times. That is the truth. I say weird things sometimes and am totally uncomfortable in many social settings but do better one on one. I am learning things about myself just when I thought I was done learning.

I am starting to study again. Right now current studies are alchemy, empath energy and anything fitness. The home gym is coming along nicely and have used it for a week and a day! When I have a gym membership I have great intentions when I sign up but never end up using it. Now I have a free gym in my backyard my kids put together in an old shed and I love being out there especially when it is sunny.

Also been gardening quite a bit which is huge progress thanks to my supplements. Got my son to start taking it as he suffers from lack of motivation and can’t see I notice a difference. I felt it right away I think. Poor memory still at times…meds side effects stink.

Lastly, wanted to touch on a topic Fractured Faith recently blogged about. Recovery from anything really and in my case is recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. To recover means to return to normal. This is impossible to me, please share in the comments if you feel differently. I love to hear others stories! I will never be the same as I was before I received the gift of Schizophrenia in 2006 at age 36. 50 now and doing the best minus today than ever.

Thank you for reading.

Be with God,

pax

Victoria

Don’t run I tell myself…

The minute things get hard I run or want to anyway.

When I was little I ran away from my friends when they hurt my feelings, I ran away from home several times. I grew up in California and still do live there, I ran away to Arizona, New York and anywhere I could think to be away from internal problems that manifested externally.

I ran last night.

I felt cornered, like there was no way out other than the difficult decision to do something that would change my life and the lives of many…

But God intervened and my mind was set to ease after a long evening with my best friend, a good night’s sleep and a text from my husband, which made everything ok. two words changed my decision…and he knew…

Marriage is hard enough but add to it all that is going on in the world along with my own interior battles having a mental health disorder makes it even harder.

Who is sick of quarantining? Me

A lot of good has come out of it. But I miss the days when I could sit in my sister’s kitchen and drink a glass of wine. I miss so much as I am sure all of you do too.

Just saying

So major life change diverted. I credit it to God, who alone knows what I need. I finally got honest with my husband today about a few things. We are starting with a clean plate, almost. One more last thing. Save it for another day.

A lot has transpired over the last few weeks.

Got tested for covid because I was having symptoms. But they were negative after 5 days waiting for the test results.

The energy in the world is very active right now.

I am getting paranoia with going out, but with good reason right?

I am rambling.

I am tired.

I pray for all of you to be safe, strong as you can and in the peace of a loving and forgiving God…

pax

Victoria

We are brave…

Say what you want to say fellow bloggers! We are brave because we keep going day after day and mental health disorders suck! and then some of us blog about it, which is helpful for readers and bloggers, at least I am inspired when I blog and read others blogs, with the sweat and tears at times!

We are all at a different place with our disorders, and some of us are loved ones of someone with a disorder, or just interested in the functioning of the brain.

We are all brave, each day we wake up, take our meds or not, and keep going, despite what life throws at us. If you are reading this you are one of these brave ones. And if you know someone who is not online that has a mental disorder, tell them. You are brave.

Life has so many unanswered questions~ Jason Mraz

says along with that life is weird, he says it twice and it is true.

My mantra used to be “Never give up” and I still think it but I am at the point where I am so full of love and hope and joy, although not every day is great like today, that I have changed my mantra to “I am brave” and if you really want to be inspired listen to Sarah Bareilles belt out the words that help me keep going…

“I want to see you, I just want to see you, I want to see you be brave”

~Everybody’s been there, been stared down by the enemy

which for me is brain dysfunction. I have had my days where I felt like I was losing….

but then I reached out to someone who cared for me and helped me get the help I needed.

Now I have a team of support, God (He’s the best) who gave me the best daughter one could ask for, a husband who cares for me deeply despite his misconceptions with mental disorders, wonderful imperfect parents who gave me life, two awesome sons and a daughter in law and one best friend among many friends, well does four count? A therapist I get to see for free because my dad is on long term hospice, my psychiatrist I have had since being diagnosed (2008), and a brain that still works with defects at times. Wow! I am blessed and don’t deserve such a good life, but I’ll take it and count my blessings, while being brave because I need them all in my life, until they go away, and then I adapt and move on.

Life is much more simple these days. Been getting rid of a lot of things but there is always more…

I also need to be alone a lot every day, anyone else?

Hope you had a good restful Sunday!

Pax

Victoria

You really did it…

Life is about choices really:)

I choose life today over the opposite…

I try to not think about that much these days if at all although I do want to be with God one day…

But not now – no- I have so much to live for, my loved ones and I try to do good..

I perceive that much of what I try to do as failures but am going to turn it around and think rather they are mistakes that I have learned from.

And I am constantly learning, that was a joke but truth in every joke.

I hope you all are doing well.

I had a bug this week but was still productive. Got tested for covid but whatever it was went away after I armed myself with Shaklee my latest obsession.

I just can’t believe that I am so productive even when I was not feeling well this week. I credit it to what I have been talking about with brain health month here on mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia blog since 2013!

Mental acuity plus by Shaklee. You can check this out on my Shaklee brain health support website here and click on shop and order it. But it is backordered still sadly… hope I don’t run out, going to start taking one a day (currently taking two and see a difference from one) just in case.

I am working now again as a property manager for several properties. Only 6 hours a week max so fitting it in along with managing the house, family and me!

God is good!

pax

Victoria

Telepsych medicine observations…

Here is my story with telepsych~

When Covid-19 hit and I was forced into doing all my mental health appointments on video, I was like no big change because I am doing so well right now. But I was sadly disappointed in the appointments after a while because it just wasn’t the same as in person.  This was a gradual observation that the visits were brief and I wasn’t sharing all I wanted to with my psychiatrist which I have seen now for 12 years!
I really struggled with what I perceived to be a lack of solid mental health care especially when I found out that my office which is an hour away would not be opening up anytime soon, due to the small waiting room not conducive to covid-19 and many mental health practitioners on site.
So after my last appointment which lasted maybe 10 minutes and feeling dissatisfied, I racked my brain and prayed how I can make this work and I realized these few things~
First, I decided to share with my psychiatrist my dissatisfaction not in his service but in the lack of my ability to share with him my going-ons. 
I also realized that I wasn’t prepping for my appointments which I used to do on the hour drive to his office and then taking time driving home afterward to reflect on any changes or insight he had into my mental state. So I went back to making a list and checking it twice! 
I also took the morning to prep myself to share with him all on my list and took some time afterwards to reflect on his observations.
The result was amazing!  I felt much better about continuing in this fashion long-term and will continue to take my mental health more seriously because as we all know stress especially in these unprecedented times can cause a decline rapidly for me and others and now I know what I need to do to make this work.

I think of others who are not doing well or just starting to get treatment and feel so bad for them that they can’t do in person appointments when so much might be missed through telepsych medicine.  Body language and trust building come to mind as downfalls to telepsych.

Feel free to ask any questions and comments are always welcome!

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

pax

Victoria

Negative symptoms solutions…

Dear readers,

Welcome to my blog (first published in 2013) which journals my road to almost complete recovery from schizophrenia since diagnosed in 2008. For my brief bio click here.

This month I want to talk about what is least understood by many, the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia, which can cause poor quality of life in many. Loss of motivation, previous things that gave pleasure don’t please, lack of focus and attention to detail and there’s more but these are the main ones that have affected me. For a great article on negative symptoms click here.

Since my bio was written though I have had another breakthrough with new supplements I have been taking for over 6 months and have seen amazing results! See my story below especially if you suffer from low motivation, energy and focus. For proof of how far I have come taking it check out my May series 2020!

Now to my new transformation story~

I have suffered from lack of motivation, energy and the ability to do more than just sit in my chair and do nothing ever since I stopped working in 2015 due to stress which has caused me to relapse before. 3 hospitalizations since 2006 isn’t too bad I think anyway.

Don’t have positive symptoms like delusions or voices anymore and I know that is because of my psych meds which I take along with supplements now and together they help me to be recovered as much as one can be from schizophrenia.

I was barely able to get the basics done. I have always found comfort in having a tidy and clean house; but my daughter used to clean the house for me up till recently. I just didn’t do it or if I did it was quick and without attention to detail. 

And the gardens, I would get them going for a while then let it go due to lack of energy and motivation.  Life sucked. 

I felt really bad about not getting anything done all day especially since I don’t work anymore due to my disability and how my husband would complain.  I would rotate from being on my phone in my meditation room, to the kitchen table where I sit now on my laptop and if I blogged I felt like I had had a productive day.  Gardens lay in disarray and I accepted the fact I thought that I would never do more than this the rest of my life…

Well, now the good part!  I started a new supplement regimen last year, adding Vitamin B-12 sublingual for energy ($4 at walmart), which my daughter now takes too and we both have noticed our energy levels increased since starting it. 

I also take Goterpy CBD oil full spectrum, which has helped with the delusions and stress.  It has also helped me to quit one of my vices… 

And then in Feb of this year 2020, I started taking and now selling Shaklee Mental Acuity Plus for memory and focus and motivation.  It started helping me right away be in charge of my life once again. 

If you are interested in taking this product consider buying it from me. I will help you out personally and I’m thinking about starting a facebook group for new users to journal about their transformation too, specifically persons with schizophrenia. Anyway email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and I will send you the link to my website and to the product that I am so wishing I had taken sooner.

To read more about how it has affected me during this pandemic continue below if you’re still with me.

Then the pandemic hit whoa!!! And I was forced to be at home all day and thanks to my regimen I found myself thriving at last despite the world’s current chaos.  My house is cleaner and tidier than ever, my gardens are expanding nicely and my focus, memory and attention to detail are sharper each day. I do take a good lay down nap every day and rest on Sundays.

I am content at last although the work never ends in the garden or home because it is like life- it never stops changing, shifting, growing, dying, giving beauty and food for the family!  I still sit in my chair but only in the mornings and evenings now.  I pay more attention to detail of inner work (spiritual) and external (house and gardens, bills etc.…).  I cook dinner mostly every night where before it was occasional and I do the dishes before bed every night.  Life is good so I have to share.

I believe the combination of these three supplements are what are contributing to my well-being.  I don’t blog as much anymore because I am too busy with all my projects to sit and write.  I do keep a journal though so I am still writing, just not for the world as much anymore.

A portion of all my profits will be donated to my favorite non-profit CureSZ.  And I will gladly support you along the way via email or phone! I want to really help others feel as great as I do.

Email me with any comments or questions you may have about any of these products at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all!

Pax

Victoria

Hello from the other side…

I must have called a thousand times.

Hard week for sure! Anniversary of my dad’s stroke, 4 years as of July 2, 2020. And he still blesses me…

That is our song by Adele, Hello. I do not have him with me in the same way anymore but we still have a strong connection and always will…

No more words on that.

I have decided I am no longer Catholic. 20 years wasted but it was the course I thought I was supposed to be on.

I love Jesus…

nothing more other than I am a child of God as we all are. In my Father’s house there is a place for me…

With that I shall leave you.

Good night my readers and visitors.

May the peace of the Triune God be with you all!

And may you find peace in Jesus also…

pax

Victoria

I’m a work in progress…

Sorry, another Jason song running through my head…

But it’s true! We are all a work in progress, none of us are better or worse than another, except in the end we shall see what God says.

Been thinking a lot about heaven and hell lately….

I know I want to be with God and my grandma and the many loved ones who have gone before me. I believe in the Mercy loving of God though so hope that He remembers me when He comes into His kingdom!!!

Been talking to God a lot lately. But no worries He doesn’t talk back thank goodness. But there is one thing I feel He wants me to do but I can’t do it as it would put my relationship with someone I really care about in jeopardy and I don’t know how I would handle another loss of a friend.

I lost friends when I became Catholic and continue to as hard as that may sound in this day and age. So much judgement from well meaning people for the most part. But I don’t judge them for that, no not me. I know they are just doing what their religion tells them to do. What is even scarier is that some of them even quote the bible in their needed break up of the friendship. Well I can quote scripture too and seriously it stands on my side.

Enough on that!

Now down to the nitty gritty how the heck are we all doing?

New trick~ the body scan

coming soon!

I’m ok, lots of minor ailments and I cut my own hair last night and woops, had to go get it fixed today. Haven’t been to a salon since November! Weird the timing of things in this regard but that is a story for a never day. Too boring!

There are signs around us everywhere if we have eyes to see. Today my dear friend who lost her husband recently had to make a decision and I told her to pray an Our Father to help her know God’s will in this situation. And within minutes it was resolved.

I prayed it with her and do that throughout the day. So right now am going to go lay down and then play with my dogs. Will do body scan and get back to you on the details tomorrow.

pax

Victoria

Am I losing heart?…

Not yet and hoping this continues, productive days coupled with relaxation and finally giving my pups more attention.

It’s so strange but simple things that others find easy used to be extremely difficult for me up till this pandemic. Now that I don’t go anywhere I am actually focusing where God has me, on my family, pups, home and gardens. It feels so good.

I also take time for reflection and this blog allows me to look upon my progress with all I do each day and feel good and accomplished. I’m speaking of external, interior and eternal things…

Prayer is at the center though of all I do. Today I dedicated a little dance in the kitchen for a friend who had a hard day.

I think of God often. He always thinks of me. I try to wake up each day in prayer but some days I am more attentive than others. He knows my heart and the medicine makes it hard for me to wake up in the mornings but today I tried something new that got me busy in the am. I shall share~

I wanted to be with my friend who lost her husband this Friday and actually go somewhere serene and beautiful, we chose Morro Bay in California. But I knew the only way I could go would be to work extra hard today and so I did. I usually don’t get productive until 5pm but today I started at ten! Lots of breaks to attend to my needs but worked all day and that is a first in a long while.

I am also attending to detail much better and I believe that is because of the Mental Clarity from Shaklee that I am taking. I am more focused, have a better memory and need my vices less.

I still need help though; yesterday with my therapist’s help, I was able to make a decision about where to plant some pretty flowers I bought several weeks ago. This decision was very hard as I wasn’t sure I was ready to take care of another section of my land. I do well for a while then I fall back into a rut and lose heart and motivation.

I chose the planter out on my back porch and left room in the middle to plant a geranium that I propogated (to make a plant from an established plant) that my dad told me how to do. It isn’t ready for transplant just yet but in a few weeks it will move over there and I have another way to remember my dad.

He is still alive believe it or not and the grief therapy that I receive every week for free because he is on hospice has provided much comfort and ideas how to navigate these hard times. I have acceptance for God’s will and every time I get to talk to him I am grateful for more moments with him.

I am very blessed in many ways. I choose to no longer suffer but rather embrace my disorder as a small part of me and even though I may have another mental break again, I am happy I have not had a hospitalization since 2018. But I am also not trying to work for money so hopefully never again I will be in that state. God’s will.

Enough rambling for tonight.

Godspeed

pax

Victoria

Call it gumption he sings…

Jason Mraz has done it again for me with where I am at and where I want to be. He sings in his older song, Song for a Friend, about all the strengths we have inside, and the gumption we possess inside and also that only we know if we are trying. I listen to it every day. It motivates me. No one else can say if I am trying. Nobody but me and God truly know.

Prior to this pandemic I sat all day as I have shared. I barely got the dishes done every day and some days I took advantage of my adult daughter and would ask her to do them. That’s how bad it was. i didn’t cook dinner every night like I do now. I didn’t take care of myself to the best I am now, or the house or gardens.

It is amazing but this pandemic has forced me to get busy. I do not feel good about my days unless I am busy. But busy means lots of things these days I am finding. yesterday I spent the day with my dear friend who lost her husband recently and just sat with her in her grief. 6 hours of conversing, laughing, crying, singing and some energy work. I was exhausted!

The day before I spent the afternoon/evening at my son’s new home with his wife and our immediate family to celebrate my daughter’s upcoming birthday. So I was busy being with family. It was a Sunday anyway which means a rest day for me but it was so much fun and we were there 8 hours!

So busy also means getting the house in order most days, gardens some days and working on myself too. Been doing a lot of grief work with Dave Markowitz. Oh yes Jason I’ve got gumption.

His song I won’t give up spoke to me when I was passively suicidal and was just trying to look up to God in desperation. This song has been my main support song. I won’t give up ever I think now so don’t listen to it every day anymore but it’s there on days that may be less than perfect and it’s a good reminder of where I have been.

Jason Mraz isn’t the only music writer who writes about things that help but his meditative music is so relaxing and just has a great vibe to it that resonates with my soul. When I am having a hard day it is Jason music I go to.

Thank you Jason for listening to the Source of Life and bringing such wonderful music to the world in a time so desperately needed!

Today my daughter is picking up my medicine an hour away for me. Thank you to all caregivers who do things like this. So much appreciation today…

pax

Victoria