Even when I was flat broke, which I am now…God had my hand…

God tests us sometimes and right now is that time.  Testing my patience with the medication which makes me tired and not hungry, testing me with my finances being so bleak as I await on a job I applied for that is in my field.

I am reminded of God’s goodness all the time though even while waiting for something to happen…

I see a bird, a flower, an ocean, a cup of warm coffee…I see God in every comfort and in every suffering I feel that I share in some of what he must have felt as He hung on the cross of Calvary for our sins, past, present and future.  It is to this blood that I appeal now and all my days.  I am not suicidal but look forward to the day when God decides I am done here.

Today I took care of me all day and am relaxing some more.  With this medication adjustment I don’ t know when I am hungry, tired etc…

But for today I trust in God Almighty, and bow down before Him!  In my lowliness, Lord show me the way!




Decision rendered, “unfavorable”.

That was all that was sent to me by SSA disability.  unfavorable.

But perhaps it is the very best thing as I already have a job lined up where I used to work as an outreach consultant at a school for my base.  I have very much missed working with children these past two years and with no grandchildren in sight it will be good to work with kids again.  I am strange, I often prefer to spend time with kids than adults.  Much more interesting and I just love their passion for learning new things.

I have already cleaned up my resume and printed it and will go in Monday morning first thing.  Can’t wait till Monday…

I’m not going to say that I’m not scared at the idea of working again, I am, but I choose to be brave and trust in God.  He has brought me safe thus far and I will continue to rely on Him!



Music soothes my soul….

In the mood to blog, hope everyone is doing well.

Music really helps me a lot that and my essential oils…

I find music on Youtube for free and buy some CD’s when I want to play my music while I am working on the kitchen.

Today is my anti-shopping day.  Not one thing, we’ll see, it is hard to resist Amazon Prime.

Right now I am listening to Jason Mraz, Mr. Curiosity.  So amazing!

I am also addicted to the music of Sara Bareilles, I choose you, 100 times and more….



Schizoaffective disorder isn’t the end of it all…

I was diagnosed in 2008 with this dastartd affliction and not a day has gone by that I have felt normal but on this new medicine I have such high hopes.  Sure the blood tests weekly suck but it is worth it.

I just came off Risperdal which I have been on since 2008.  It kept the voices away but I believe there is more and I want all that is due me.  If it is a life of misery then I accept it but I feel it is going to be so much more.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate.  I over ate today in celebration of the occasion.  Didn’t feel well much of the day due to either a tummy bug or withdrawl from the Risperdal.  Hopefully will feel better tomorrow.

To anyone newly diagnosed, seriously check out Clozapine.  I have hopes I will be able to work again soon and that is very exciting.  I get bored sometimes being home a lot and often go for drives by myself just to listen to my music and chill…..



Saw my psychiatrist today!

After giving him a very good report, he said, “ok, now we have to try it without your other medicines”.

I was sooooo happy to hear that the first one to eliminate was the Risperdal.  It did save my life back in 2008 but I want more out of life than just not hearing voices.  I want to live again and the past week I have really started living again.

More social, more well balanced, less vices,  a better feeling of well being.

The Risperdal has so many side effects I am really looking forward to tonight when I go to be and increase the Clozapine to 75 mg from 50 and not take the Risperdal.  Next will be the Latuda to go and then the anti-anxiety medications I now take.

I have had such high hopes for this medicine to be the answer to so many things.  I don’t even mind the weekly blood tests ha ha!

Thanksgiving starts tomorrow for our family, with a pre Thanksgiving dinner I make then to my sisters on Thursday for a larger gathering.

Sneak in  a few visits to my dad and it will be a perfect Thanksgiving except for my daughter being away.

Can’t have it all but what I do have is pretty awesome…



Beyond the yellow brick road….

I so desperately want this medicine to work.  I find myself fantasizing that I am no longer ill, but stable and able to hold down a job even if it’s an easy one.  I dream of the day when this disorder no longer controls me.


So far the new medicine is helping with:

connecting to family God and friends more and feeling deep emotions

I am hungrier again (gotta watch that one, don’t want to regain all my weight)

no longer delusional, don’t believe I am the greatest person to ever live anymore.  What a relief!

using music as a major coping skill while I sift through the laziness or drowsiness caused by the new and old med

How I am still suffering

unmotivated at times to do the simplest of tasks

feeling overmedicated being on three antipsychotic meds

poor memory, and judgement

question every decision many times


May God bless you all as He has me!



The waiting game…

Hello to all!

One week on Clozapine now and much is going on while I wait to increase it next week and then slowly wean off my other medications.  I have high hopes that I will be much better on this medication.  It has been a long emotional week and then some depression set in today, mild though.  Anxiety was at its peak yesterday and there was nothing to stress me out.  I don’t like that but did have a job interview scheduled for today which I canceled until next week.  I am pretty much praying for a miracle.  It is a job I have always wanted but I might not be ready yet with the adjustments so I am taking it day by day and will decide next week if I am at a better place to work again.

So so far it is a waiting game.

Being mentally disordered sucks!!!!!!


Vi ctoria