Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine. Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being. I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.
Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…
Closer to God than ever. I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning. Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.
I am willing to continue this new life. I have been connecting with family too which is awesome. Family is everything to me. My friends are right there too though. It is good to have both really.
Life is so wonderful! I feel more like my old self every day. Hate to go to bed lol.
Sometimes life just gets hard. It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness. I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder. I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed. It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.
I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.
The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things. Negative people have a very small place in my life. If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard. I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck! But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.
I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day. It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),
Every now and then I have breakthrough and this weekend I had a few. There are so many ups and downs with this complex disorder as I have written recently (check out recent blog below- this disease can be brutal a few weeks ago). But there are some good moments too and when one of these occur it is worth noting.
Yesterday, I went to a funeral for one of my husband’s coworkers. I did not know him well but my husband worked with him for many years. I didn’t really want to go but knew it was important to support my husband of 24 years who has stood by me and my disorder although he doesn’t understand any of it, only that he will support me as best as he is able. So yesterday was my turn to support him and I did. Not only did I go dressed appropriately for a funeral but I made myself available to his needs. Toward the end of the funeral he put his arm around me and pulled me close. He was hurting and although he has rare displays of affection, I think he was overcome with emotion and reached out to me and I allowed it, leaning into his embrace and remained that way till the end of the service.
Often I lack the ability to experience emotions due to the negative symptoms of this disorder. I wasn’t emotional yesterday but my husband was and I was there for him which is HUGE! My daughter pointed out after I explained what had happened that I always provide comfort for him, always she repeated. This observation put me on top of the world. There is hope for me.
On another note, I have been very busy lately taking care of my parents. This gives me great pleasure to be a blessing to them. And the fact that they appreciate it wholeheartedly makes me even more happy. I gave them so much grief as a teenager (a premonition of mental disorder to come perhaps) that I find myself these days really missing them the days they don’t require my help. Today I took them to Church and they treated me to an amazing breakfast! So even though I am not working now, I get to help them and my sixteen year old son and know that it would be much harder my days without such great purposes in my life.
We all need a reason to live. And today I have several reasons, my husband, 3 children, my elderly parents and a few good friends. I also have people who support me too when I am having a hard time and they know who they are!
Through these observations this weekend and past months, I find much hope and encouragement to fight those feelings of not wanting to be alive and that just feels right. Write to me if you are having a hard time finding purpose in your life if you are open to sharing and are willing to look at difficulties in a new light. Each time I conquer one of the many facets of this disorder I want to scream it from the rooftops, there is hope!
For the first time post diagnosis I feel surrounded by people who love and care about me. I never thought this was possible because there was a time when I felt so alone and I am glad to be on the other side now.
Tonight I unintentionally hurt my best friend. I was so sad. It was a situation which got out of hand because of the disease of addiction (not me, been sober a long time now) but involved another friend I have been trying with all my heart and soul to get sober. Unfortunately, this disease of addiction can ruin the best people and I had to withdraw my help with tough love and she understood although she was pretty wasted. My best friend understood too although I couldn’t give him too many details having to protect her anonymity. I will not stop praying for her though and although it is painful, I feel it was the necessary step.
On another note, my aging parents, who I am so happy they are still alive, have accepted my help to come over 3 days a week to help my mom walk and get back her strength. I love them with all my heart and soul and feel so blessed to have them as parents. I am also grateful I can still talk to them and that they both have their wits about them. They have been there for me every step of the way from birth to now and I love that I get to spend more time with both of them! They understand me better than most and have been the best parents anyone could ever want. I love you mom and dad if you are reading this!
I also have some other people in my life right now who are great supporters, my daughter, my sons, my husband, my good friend Julia, and several others who love me unconditionally. This means the world to me. I know that as someone with a mental health condition support is vital. I pray for all my readers, that they have the necessary support they need not only get by in life but also thrive despite this tragic disorder. God bless everyone of you!