Quality reading and experiencing psychotic symptoms again

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there!  I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary.  Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.

For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others.  I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for.  But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him.  He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense.  I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.

On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again.  I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this.  I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.

I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time.  It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that.  But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.

After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability.  I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree.  Perhaps I will do that.  Who knows what the future holds.  Not I, nor do I want to know the future.

Well that is all for now.  It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.

Pax

Victoria

Advertisements

Not really my style and update on new job

Welcome to my blog! Please feel free to read this short bio if you are new, return readers can scroll down to new post, thanks.

My name is Victoria and I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder (SA), which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression; this blog journals my progress from fall 2013 to now although I was diagnosed in 2008. I have experienced both the positive (hallucinations and delusions) and negative symptoms (lack of motivation, flat affect. social difficulties) of Schizophrenia and while the positive symptoms have been under control with Risperdal, since being diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder by UCLA in 2008, I have still suffered from the negative symptoms until recently when my psychiatrist added Latuda. Post diagnosis I received my Masters Degree in Psychology and used to work in the mental health field until stress caused me to try to go on permanent disability in September 2015. I was off for one year on disability but it took so long I found a job 2 weeks ago and it is low stress but not in the mental health field.  I am doing sales and doing well so far in my training.  I go live November 1st and look forward to making some good money as well as help people with products I believe in that are good for their health.
I started this blog in fall 2013 which journals my personal recovery from Schizophrenia. The earliest entries chart my psychotic period 2006/2007 with much in between and my current focus is managing the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia. I welcome all feedback and enjoy meeting new people through this blog and other articles I have written. I have also written a book which is available on Amazon by me, Victoria Marie Alonso- My personal recovery from Schizophrenia, which is for loved ones or those afflicted with this disorder. This blog has been viewed over 8000 times and by over 50 countries! Bienvenidos a todos! Welcome to all!

Please feel free to email me to share your story or that of a loved one at:victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Other mental health providers or researchers are welcome to ask any questions, as well.

New Post:

 

I wrote that I will be blogging more but that is not my style.  I blog when I have something to say about my recovery not just every day stuff.  So I will not be blogging more, but keeping it to my blog every now and then.

That being said I would like to update you all and let you know how my work is going.  I am doing really well, love the company and people, and am progressing in my training as a sales person for mattresses.  I am helping people get a good night sleep and feel very good about the service I provide giving people a fun experience when they come into our massive showroom with so many mattresses.

It is a lot to remember and I fear I won’t ever have it all done but then I remember that people without mental disorders have the same learning curve so I am not so different.  I think I will get the hang of it, my goodness it has only been 2 and a half days since I started working full time.  And what do I think I am going to know it all????  Very unrealistic perspective, one that is changing as I blog.

This is why I blog.  Sometimes I work out my problems as I type and solve my many problems!

So for now this part time blogger is going to just relax and be gentle with herself and know it will take time to get it all down.

Pax

Victoria

In Limbo, not liking it

I’m not one to usually complain but the facts are that I am in major limbo right now.  My dad is not getting better but is also hanging on because he is such a strong person.  I go to the hospital every day and spend time with him which is precious and know he could have another stroke at any moment but I have a choice to make which I feel my finances have already made.

I need to work!  The bills dictate it and aren’t going away…  I am waiting on this one job in particular which would solve all our financial woes but the waiting is killing me.  On the one hand I love spending hours every day with my pa but if I get this job I will be limited to only visiting him as often as my schedule allows:(  And my mom needs me too but is managing to take care of herself pretty well these days.

My teenage son started a homeschool program because of his mental health disorder for his senior year and today we finally started it.  I am hoping he can get the work done and graduate…..

So many parts of my life right now that I am holding my breath on.  I know I need to trust and pray and live in the moment but it is very hard.

My disorder is under control although I still have bad days each week where I can’t find the motivation to do much but other days I am on fire.  I definitely have bipolar tendencies along with Schizoaffective disorder.

Did some therapy online which was helpful but completed that so now I just vent to friends and God.

What are some ways you stay sane when in limbo????

 

Here is to getting some answers soon,

Pax

Victoria