Pray that the Universe is kind to all today especially a dear friend who I had to let go of yesterday due to her toxicity. It was years coming and I don’t feel relief today but a deep sadness which overwhelms my every pore.
Some people are all about drama and I am finding that the longer I stay sober and clean (still working on vaping though) and the more I recover from this debilitating disorder the more I seek after friendships that support me in my recovery….
But it is very hard to let someone go and for that I am putting my podcasts and book promotion to the side for now. I feel I have nothing to offer right now as this sadness is taking over my thoughts and all the great ideas I had have quieted for now.
I am going to focus instead on my upcoming teaching job which starts in less than 3 weeks. I have also gotten away from my AA meetings but went last night and it was exactly what I needed. I am dual diagnosed with Schizo-affective Disorder and alcohollism so meetings really help to just be with my tribe and hear how people stay sober and sane despite lifes’s happenings like letting go of a friend…
Wishing you all well and a happy day and weekend. God bless you!
I will leave you with my morning reading theme for the day and hope you appreciate it as much as I did, by Isadora Duncan, “All that is necessary to make this world a better place to live is to love- to love as Christ loved, as Buddha loved”. Amen
I am also off two medicines I have been taking for years~ Risperdal (an anti-psychotic) and Buspar (anti-anxiety).
I am still on Latuda (an antipsychotic) and attivan (anti-anxiety) for my mental health and synthroid for my thyroid.
I see my psychiatrist on the 19th of this month and will be pleased to give him a good report of the new medicine, Clozapine.
It still makes me tired a lot but I think and hope my body is adjusting to it. I take naps but not today…
Today I ran my household tight. Shopped, cleaned, cooked and got it all tidy. I’ve been doing much better lately with the household and I know that is another benefit of this med. I am more motivated, creative, and in a better mood.
I also feel much stronger to work again. I have applied at two places that I would use my degree for the job if I get hired, if I get an interview….
That was all that was sent to me by SSA disability. unfavorable.
But perhaps it is the very best thing as I already have a job lined up where I used to work as an outreach consultant at a school for my base. I have very much missed working with children these past two years and with no grandchildren in sight it will be good to work with kids again. I am strange, I often prefer to spend time with kids than adults. Much more interesting and I just love their passion for learning new things.
I have already cleaned up my resume and printed it and will go in Monday morning first thing. Can’t wait till Monday…
I’m not going to say that I’m not scared at the idea of working again, I am, but I choose to be brave and trust in God. He has brought me safe thus far and I will continue to rely on Him!
I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there! I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary. Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.
For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others. I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for. But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him. He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense. I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.
On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again. I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this. I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.
I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time. It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that. But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.
After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability. I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree. Perhaps I will do that. Who knows what the future holds. Not I, nor do I want to know the future.
Well that is all for now. It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.
Victoria here and happy to say that work is going awesome so far! The people are great and I love the company I work for so far. Very fair and honesty is their mantra.
That being said, I must say that I was more productive this past week than most of the year I was off on disability. I kept up with my house, cooked some great meals and enjoyed time with friends. On my days off, Thursday and Friday, I relaxed one day pretty much and was bored on Thursday but today, Friday, I made a long list and actually accomplished 95% of it. I was a little stressed because there was so much I needed to do to make my work week go smooth but shouldn’t have worried because everything went well.
I even got to spend time with my dying father. We drank coffee and told each other that we loved each other which we he hasn’t said it for a while (he has been in the hospital since early July). He even added after he said he loved me that he loved the kids too!!! Wow, it was bittersweet of course because he is not getting better but I was overjoyed that he still thinks of us and his love for us.
Well it is back to work tomorrow and I have my lunch packed and ready to go. I am so glad my husband insisted on my working especially for this company. It is sales so there will be ups and downs but I will make good money and hopefully have more productive weeks like this one.
I see my pdoc next week and can’t wait to share the good progress report. My mental health is pretty good, no time to sit at my computer and stare anyway ha ha seriously that was much of my day when I wasn’t working I am ashamed to admit. Knowing I have to be at work I have to be very careful with my time although I still play around and goof off on the computer just in smaller increments.
Why is this I ponder? I am an able bodied woman in her forties who can’t work due to my condition schizoaffective disorder. People look at me and don’t understand why I don’t work but I find most people are polite and don’t get into it and I am thankful for that. But there is always that awkward silence when being introduced, when the question comes up, what do you do? Right now I am able to answer that I am a stay at home mom who helps her elderly parents. I don’t mention my vast education that is unused at this point in my life, nor my former work as a therapist intern which I worked at for 4 years after earning my Master’s degree in psychology.
That seems so long ago but it was only last year. I have learned much in the time I have been off. I have learned to be more present for my family and friends and that I love to entertain. Getting the house and lately the gardens in order gives me a sense of purpose and excitement for the upcoming event. Gardening has become my new passion and the class I am taking currently helps me to do it right. I have some days when I spend the whole day looking after the yard and my gardens and at the end of the day I am tired but satisfied to play with the earth. Spring right now is beautiful with all the flowers and greenery surrounding us where we live in California despite the drought.
My dogs also are my constant companions at other times of the day. They lay next to my feet and are much happier now that I don’t work. House cleaning hasn’t been as much as a painful chore and I like the days when I get to cross off my google keep list another chore done!
I go to my AA meetings too and get inspiration to keep going without using drugs and alcohol to deal with stress although I don’t have much these days except now and then. I read and watch my shows throughout the day and even joined a book club which is stimulating for the mind. Right now I am reading Stephen Hawking: the unfettered mind. In all his disabilities he kept going and really left his imprint on this world. I am really enjoying reading about his life although the science is over my head for the most part.
So back to my original question. Why do we feel defined by working or not? I don’t anymore but others may not feel the same way. The only reason now why I would try to work again is because we really need the money but at what cost would that take place if I end up in the hospital again with another hefty bill? I am going to try to write a book like Stephen Hawking did and solve all my financial woes although right now I am actually doing ok with the finances but that is because I am still receiving disability. I am going to write a book about fulfillment outside of working I think. Something to do anyway with some of the free time I have left!
Some of the brief benefits are easy to notice as I have shared on here.
Have a great day everyone, I am going to start my book and see where it takes me! If anyone has any ideas on how to get published will you let me know? I self published through Create Space and didn’t sell very many copies. I would like to reach more readers not just through Amazon.