How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!

Pax

Victoria

 

Publishing second book very soon…

Hello readers,

Victoria here to announce that my second book, which is not really a sequel but more of a spiritual awareness while having this disorder, is in the works to be published by Covenant Books!  Very excited that I won’t have to do the publicity and whatnot.  Also, have third book in the works.

It took me a year to write the first one, of which excerpts from it are in the second book.  And it took me a total of 8 years for the second one and this third one it is taking me one week to put it all together along with some writing I have been doing for about 2 years.

Don’t know if any of it will sell but hopefully because finances are bleak right now:(

But I trust in God in all things so His Holy Will be done!

Pax

Victoria

A realization…

 

I had a fleeting thought today that I could work again…

I used to do so much at my old jobs.

It would seem as if post diagnosis with Schizophrenia since 2008 I have gotten progressively worse off.  With each failure, whether it was quitting, going on disability, or getting fired, I have each time digressed to a lower level of functioning ability.

This last time when I got fired, I now suffer from anxiety much worse than before.  I take two anti-anxiety medicines plus heavy mindfulness and I am ok if I do all that.  Exercising helps too, can’t forget that.  Today I didn’t exercise much but did some heavy housecleaning so got my heartbeat up.

It just seems as if my life is not getting better at least work-wise.  But I will look for a job after the holidays.  After my dear daughter comes home for a week.  She is my biggest supporter and really helps me sort things out on our long walks everywhere.

At least I can manage my home, bills, pets, teenage son, spontaneous husband and 2 aging parents.  I am not their caregiver but do help them throughout the week sometimes daily.

I am blessed to be alive.  I wanted to be dead at one point but no more.  No, I want to live my life fully and I am grateful for every day I can do that.

Pax

Victoria

Why is it that we define ourselves by our work or lack of?

Why is this I ponder?  I am an able bodied woman in her forties who can’t work due to my condition schizoaffective disorder.  People look at me and don’t understand why I don’t work but I find most people are polite and don’t get into it and I am thankful for that.  But there is always that awkward silence when being introduced, when the question comes up, what do you do?  Right now I am able to answer that I am a stay at home mom who helps her elderly parents.  I don’t mention my vast education that is unused at this point in my life, nor my former work as a therapist intern which I worked at for 4 years after earning my Master’s degree in psychology.

That seems so long ago but it was only last year.  I have learned much in the time I have been off.  I have learned to be more present for my family and friends and that I love to entertain.  Getting the house and lately the gardens in order gives me a sense of purpose and excitement for the upcoming event.  Gardening has become my new passion and the class I am taking currently helps me to do it right.  I have some days when I spend the whole day looking after the yard and my gardens and at the end of the day I am tired but satisfied to play with the earth.  Spring right now is beautiful with all the flowers and greenery surrounding us where we live in California despite the drought.

My dogs also are my constant companions at other times of the day.  They lay next to my feet and are much happier now that I don’t work.  House cleaning hasn’t been as much as a painful chore and I like the days when I get to cross off my google keep list another chore done!

I go to my AA meetings too and get inspiration to keep going without using drugs and alcohol to deal with stress although I don’t have much these days except now and then.  I read and watch my shows throughout the day and even joined a book club which is stimulating for the mind.  Right now I am reading Stephen Hawking: the unfettered mind.  In all his disabilities he kept going and really left his imprint on this world.  I am really enjoying reading about his life although the science is over my head for the most part.

So back to my original question.  Why do we feel defined by working or not?  I don’t anymore but others may not feel the same way.  The only reason now why I would try to work again is because we really need the money but at what cost would that take place if I end up in the hospital again with another hefty bill?  I am going to try to write a book like Stephen Hawking did and solve all my financial woes although right now I am actually doing ok with the finances but that is because I am still receiving disability.  I am going to write a book about fulfillment outside of working I think.  Something to do anyway with some of the free time I have left!

Some of the brief benefits are easy to notice as I have shared on here.

Have a great day everyone, I am going to start my book and see where it takes me!  If anyone has any ideas on how to get published will you let me know?  I self published through Create Space and didn’t sell very many copies.  I would like to reach more readers not just through Amazon.

Pax

Victoria